I don't know how to explain how I forgave myself. Basically, I think of my younger self as being young and naive (and selfish), but mainly naive, and unknowing. And I did some things wrong, for whatever reason, but I did some things wrong. But that isn't who I am now. Now I am wiser. Now I understand the consequences of my actions. Now I make better choices. So I like the person I am now. And I don't think about how I was before. It doesn't matter, because it is past. It can't be changed. It can be forgotten. And I move on.
I was hoping you would post something. What you said is a good way to look at it.
To me, I feel that what I have done is so awful that even though I am remorseful now and have learned, I have no right to forgive myself. I know that is bad thinking, but it is what happens in my head.
It's like if I was a murderer.....and then realized,later, I was ill and that it was wrong...how could I ever forgive myself for taking someone's life?
I go to God. That's all I can do. It's all that matters. He has a plan for me. My eyes are open now, where they were shut to so many things before. So many things that mattered to me, I now realize mean nothing. I view the people around me differently. I cherish every small thing that happens in my world. Today, I found myself looking out at the snow and just thinking how beautiful God made our world for us. I look at our newly cut Christmas tree with all of the decorations and think how lucky I am to have these beautiful things all around me. I sinned a great sin...maybe that was God's plan...Now, it is up to me to forgive myself for having to sin in order to accomplish His plan.
Boy, just writing that out has helped me. Thank God for this forum and all of you.
Didi, I'm so glad that you are able to see things through new eyes. You are doing so well, and I'm so happy for you. The new year will be here soon, sounds like it will also be a brand new wonderful beginning for you and your H!
Hugs, Yoyo
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
I'm glad you feel better from writing that. But you really are being too hard on yourself when you equate sex with murder. Yes, what you did was wrong, when you stand back and judge it. But you have recognized the mistake, admitted it, and asked forgiveness. It is over. You have more important things to deal with in your life than regret over the past.
This is an unnecessary burden that you are carrying around, and making part of your life. It is garbage that you are allowing to fester in your house. It is like the wastes in the space shuttle. You have to jettison it, throw it away. Perhaps you need to have some kind of ceremony, where you burn some thing that reminds you of this past. Get rid of it, and move into the bright future that you see around you. If you can't do it alone, then perhaps you should get counseling for this specific purpose.
Thanks so much yoyo. I like to think that this year will be the brand new beginning we need.
Sara- You are right. I think I will set New Year's Day as the day I won't look back. You're right, it is festering. It made me wake up early this morning and I couldn't get back to sleep. If after the new year I can't let it go, I will seek some counseling. I've had that in the back of my head, but with all of the counselors and bad experiences of the past I was trying to avoid it.
Thanks for caring about me. I've always been able to count on you to look in on me when I need it.
Hey WDID, when you get a minute, could you please drop by my thread and give me some advice? I could really use your input on this. Thanks.
M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
I'm going to take a hiatus from posting. Just need to take a break from here for awhile. I'll check in off and on, and hopefully be back more in the new year.
I just need a breather. I'll be back. No need to worry. Things are really good with me. I haven't been this happy in a long time. I feel bad that I won't be here to help for awhile, but I just need some time to get a project for work done, enjoy the holiday time with my H and son, and just step back from here for a bit.
