Guys...chime in

[lovehimso]

I think the correct view is one of "I love you, and I don't want a divorce, but I cannot wait forever you to make up your mind. At some point soon, I'm going to have to protect myself, emotionally and otherwise, so I hope you'll decide soon before my love for you erodes beyond the point of repair."

EXCELLENT!

This is exactly how I feel. I have avoided saying this because I thought it would feel like pressure, and I am trying really hard to avoid any R talks.

However, I think this really needs to be said. I have definitely been in camp #2 ("take your time"), and am not ready or willing to issue a direct ultimatum, because I do still love him and am still hoping for a reconcilliation.

But he's just going to keep on doing what he is doing as long as he thinks I am just going to be sitting here waiting for him until he's done fulfilling his fantasy of being with OW. He's had an EA with her since July, and a PA since the end of October, and not one thing has changed. In fact, he has moved even further away from me, judging from the fact that he no longer sees his moving out as a "temporary" thing, as was evidenced by the fact that he was still living in a hotel, but is looking for an apartment now. He told me a month ago, when he renewed the hotel for another month, that he wasn't "in that place" where he wanted to look for an apartment. Apparently he's now "in that place".

I don't want him by "default", just because he got tired of the OW, or because she dumps him. I don't want to live in fear of her contacting him at some point in the future and him running back to her because she is who he really wanted all along; I need it to be HIS decision. I need him to CHOOSE ME, when he still has the option of having HER. I know there are no guarantees that he won't someday change his mind and go back to her, but I definitely think it's riskier the other way around. I don't want to be the "consolation prize". And this I HAVE told him. But it probably bears repeating.

I know that DR advocates waiting the A out, since most end within 6 months. But is that really the most attractive option for the LBS (considering the "consolation prize" issue)? I guess waiting it out isn't the same as "allow your H to have his cake and eat it too." Stop allowing the cake-eating, but still leave the door open, just in case, as long as you are still willing to. Is my thought-process going in the right direction here?