Not yet, Puppy. But that is what was on my mind this morning. My grip on the rope is loosening. I haven't dropped it yet, but it feels imminent.
I've got to take some time to think this out, decide what to say, and practice it (I think you were the one who suggested this). I want him to understand that even though I still love him, I can't go on this way forever.
I just think that phrase (or some version of it) is CRITICAL in these "standing" situations, and yet it's almost always MISSING.
Usually, one of two extremes happens:
1) The betrayed spouse gives the wayward spouse an immediate ultimatum (and rarely are they prepared to follow thru on it); or
2) The betrayed spouse either says -- or conveys -- that they will wait forever, or they say "Take your time, I will give you as much as you need."
BOTH are BIG mistakes, in my view. I think the correct view is one of "I love you, and I don't want a divorce, but I cannot wait forever you to make up your mind. At some point soon, I'm going to have to protect myself, emotionally and otherwise, so I hope you'll decide soon before my love for you erodes beyond the point of repair."
There's also a third mistake that people make, and that's to give a specific deadline. The problem with that is, say you give them 90 days. Well, you've basically just given them carte blanche to carry on their affair for the next 89 days, unencumbered. Then on the 89th day, they will make all sorts of promises -- the moon, the stars -- ANYTHING to either come back, or -- more likely -- to ask for more time.
It's best to let them know that there IS some deadline, but not convey what it is, and that they'd better hurry the F up and decide.
Puppy
P.S. It IS, however, a good idea for the betrayed spouse, FOR THEMSELVES, to set some deadline -- 60 days, 90 days, six months, a year -- whatever they feel they can handle. It gives them an end spot, and it's comforting. Just don't convey to the cheating spouse what that end spot is.
