(((((T))))) I'm looking forward to getting the book. It should be interesting, in any case.
W is angry and resentful. I really and truly can't think of anything that I did that was "that bad". She says I don't support her when she wants to do things, yet she has always had the time and money to do her hobbies, go to school, etc. I haven't always done the best I could with housework. But, still! She complains that she is the main disciplinarian with the kids. If feel like she took that on herself, and won't let go of it, anyway. She reminds me that before we got married she said she didn't want to become the stereotyped domestic housewife. She ways that is what she has become, but it sure doesn't seem that way to me. She has a resentment of men, it goes deep, and I don't know where it came from.
I'm gonna swing hard and fast here, OJ...
I want you to at least be honest with yourself if no one else.
Prior to coming here and learning new things were you generally lazy and submissive?
I know I have a part in this. I wasn't lazy, lay around the house, can't do anything for myself lazy. I have always done a fair amount of the cooking, and cleanup. I've didn't do it often enough, bu I knew how to run a vacuum. I cleaned the toilets every six months, whether they needed it or not.....
I can't find the last version of the letter but I'm pretty sure I don't remember you mentioning to her the years she spent doing everything while you did little more than go to work, eat and take a shower.
I did quite a bit more than that. I've always done quite a bit of the cooking and cleanup. And a portion of the other housework, though not as much as I could have done. And of course, not the way she would have done it.
I guess lazy is a matter of interpretation. She thought she was doing everything, but it really wasn't close to that bad. At least in my opinion.
Jeff- I think you need to STOP thinking that you know how she's feeling or what she's thinking about the R. Most people have a tendency to simplify things to try to understand them, and I feel like the reasons for your sitch are much more complicated than you think. Go back to focusing on YOU- you've been doing that so well! Hugs...
Unfortunately this is not the kind of letter we used to write to each other years ago. I am writing this letter to share with you what is on my mind about our marriage and although I would prefer that you and I could sit down and discuss this together, I'm not sure I would be able to say all that I feel and also be heard. So for now, I am hopeful that this letter to you might help.
For some time now, I have felt like my contribution to this family is only to bring home a pay check, take care of the kids, and maintain the house. These are life's responsibilities of a father and a husband and I am doing my best, but I don't think that's all a marriage and a family are about.
A marriage is not only responsibilities; a marriage is also a relationship that gives the spouses joy, emotional security, companionship. That is what I am missing from our marriage. I need the friendship, the caring, the tenderness. In other words I I feel a huge lack of intimacy. Not just physical but also emotional and this troubles me deeply. I don't know how long it has been since we've shared a joke, a relaxed conversation, a smile, or a simple tender gesture of any kind. Not to mention how long since we shared the same bed, except when the guest room was being used. It's been years since I've received a hug or a kiss, or really even had you accept one. It's been even longer since we've made love.
At this point I have withdrawn and as you pointed out I've “switched off”. I don't disagree with that, I have switched off. To be honest after feeling physically and emotionally rejected for so long, it was the only way to protect myself from feeling hurt and I didn't know how else to react or how to even reach out to you.
Still I've stayed and I’ve tried to do my best, for myself, and the kids, and even for you. I have been trying to improve myself. It took me too long to get motivated but I am slowly getting a grip of my life. As you must have noticed I have changed a lot of unhealthy habits and have lost 15 pounds, which is important to me, and I plan to lose 15 more.
I have been going to a therapist for months now, trying to find out what I can do to improve things. For me personally but also for us as a couple. I asked you to go with me, but my attempt to reach out to you was declined. That said something to me, and it didn't leave me feeling too hopeful.
Maybe because this is the second time I feel that I am the only one that wants to save this relationship. Remember when we went to Retrouvaille? You promised at least one hug, or touch, every day. It managed to happen once. Dialog also ceased. I should not have let that happen, I think it could have helped. But I was told that I was the problem, and that there wasn't anything more to be gained. I can't help but feel that these issues were and are only important to me.
I have come to realize that we are not setting a good example for our boys for their future relationships and marriages. You have asked me this question many times: what example do I want to set for them. Well, this isn't it.
The worst part for me is that in switching off from you, I've also switched off from them to some extent, and that really disturbs me. I want to change that, yet I also know that some of the problems in our marriage are not mine alone to bear, and it troubles me to see little or nothing being done to fix our issues.
As I see it, our choices on how to proceed are very limited. Maintaining the status quo, as we have been, is no longer an acceptable choice for me. I can't continue to live the way we are. It seems to me that the only other alternatives would be to separate, or to commit to improving our marriage.
If we separate, things won't be as good financially as we had planned. It will be much harder to come up with the money we had planned to give the kids to help with college. And the state of the economy certainly doesn't help. But, I don't think those are problems that can't be overcome, though the solutions might not be perfect. Neither one of us would be as well off as we are now. But, I am not happy with the current state of our marriage and I am not willing to spend more years deprived of companionship and love because of the financial aspect of this.
I hope it is clear that my first choice would be for the both of us to fully commit to improving our marriage. We have a history, and we've created a wonderful family together. I have come to believe that love is a choice and a decision and I am willing to make that choice and work hard to create a better relationship with you that would make us both feel satisfied and happy. It will not be easy but it's not easy either to simply walk away from what we have created together.
I also want you to know that although sometimes I fail to let you know and show you I appreciate your commitment to the family, the boys, and even to me. You do so many great things for all of us, from helping with homework, to making great quilts, listening for interesting things to do, and not least of all working hard to make up for savings that I didn't make sure happened over the years. That's not to mention years of homeschooling, moving halfway around the world, and supporting a lot of my long business trips on short notice. I know that you are still a kind hearted person, I see how much you care for all of your friends. I'd like us to be friends again!
I remain hopeful that both of us are able to put our best foot forward towards improving our marriage. Not just for us although we both deserve a “better”, “happier” life, but for our family. The boys deserve every possible chance that you and I are willing and able to give them. I would much prefer this to the alternative.
Please think about this for a while before you respond, but please do respond. And respond any way you'd like, whether in another letter, or a talk. If we talk, I'd rather not do it with the kids around, so a letter might be easier from that standpoint. This is really hard for me to do, but I have come to the point where things have to change, and this is the best way I could think of to get that started.
