I didn't think I was a doormat either. I was wrong. not letting her control the situation or your life is extremely important right now. going dark and disappearing for a couple nights and an occassional weekend day for the whole day will definitely open her eyes. My sitch has her with OM so really nothing I am doing is helping her work on herself our R/M. But, it has put me on the conversation topic list. I am in control of me and what I do. I deal with everything that I can control and disregard the rest.
You may want to consider taking the kids out for a Dad and the Kids day or movie. do not include her so she can feel what its gonna be like alone. Sounds cruel, but it is the reality of the path she is heading down.
She's so warped, she'll probably think I'm doing that for her so she can have some "peace" fron the kids, since she's "Always the one who has to deal with them"! With her, I'm d*mned if I do, d*amned if I don't... because all she wants to be is mad at me because it makes it easier for her to convince herself she's right.
New: What a Weekend
H-48 WAW-49 M-22 S-14,9 D-11 EA disc.-11/07 PA disc.-3/08 EA2?-6/08 to ?
Exactly, by removing yourself from the situation, taking the kids away from time to time will allow her some space and time to herself tosee that things that are upsetting are not your fault. Do not let what she thinks about you change your plan. Trust me on this. It kills me when I think about her and how can I win her back, when there is nothing I can do. I get great support over at my posting and trust me, you will soon be where I am. Deal with things you have absolute control over, disregard the rest. If your kids bring you joy, spend quality time with themaway from her. You are not getting them to play favorites, you are showing them you. She will be watching and wondering why the change. If she asks, tell her its just somthing you felt like doing. Do not dwell on answers to her questions. If she doesn't start a conversation, then you shouldn't have one with her. It is hard to do being under one roof, but consider it.
Yes you need to validate her feelings and understand why she feels the way she does. No you don't have to agree with them. If she is in a MLC, She can't deal with her own feelings right now, so she can't even think about yours.
Never argue with her about her feelings. The may not make sense to most, where she is right now, they may not make sense to her, but they are real to her. This is just a way to try to make them disappear.
Don't bring up the D topic. If she does then try your best to keep your cool. Stay calm. Your wife will being watching you for any negative emotions. She will be looking to argue. Try not to fall into this trap. If she wants a D bad enough she knows what she has to do.
The everything is ok attitude is a front, she is hurting, she won't let you see it. You can't possibly think that someone filled with so much selfishness and anger is happy and ok with all of this. She thinks this is going to stop all the mess of emotions that she can't handle. It won't, but you can't tell her that.
Take things a day at a time. Take care of yourself and children. Do your best to be kind, but keep your distance and act like your going on with life. It's very tough, but you can do it.
Trapt,
Was going back through this whole topic and you wrote this several days ago. A lot of it didn't register at the time, but now, after some other back and forths on some other threads, I have to tell you it was one heck of a posting! You really distilled a lot into the essence of what/who I am really looking at now and I think this posting may have been what started to jolt me into getting it. So, if I didn't before, I wanted to thank you for these words...
-AlexEN
New: What a Weekend
H-48 WAW-49 M-22 S-14,9 D-11 EA disc.-11/07 PA disc.-3/08 EA2?-6/08 to ?
Glad to help, If this is MLC, remember she didn't ask for this. It helps if you look at this as a temporary mental illness. The crazy behavior is only a quick fix of happy to her. They become similar to an addict. They only focus on themselves and the quickest way to make the feelings and emotions go away, paying no mind to the fact it is only temporary.
It is a process that she and only she can figure out. It has to play out until the end. Nothing you can do but be kind, stay out of the way when the you know what hits the fan, and most importantly take care of your kids and yourself. Keep living life the best you can.
I have been in this hard for 5 months, although there were signs of her going through something for two years prior. I have had it rough and it took this site and some guidance from Snadi2 and AMyC for me to understadn that none of this had anything to do with me. I tried fixing thngs and doing things she would notice, now i don't care wheter she does or not. I am a better person now than ever before. I am financially OK, she i failing miserably. she has OM who lives in his parents basement, is 15 years younger than her and has arriage problems for over 5 years. this is not the first time he has run off on his wife and he is only 31. Talk about a POS. And my W knew all this. But she is a bleeding heart and rather than talk to me, she talked to him because he confided oin her and blah, blah, balh.
I have been your stuff , trapt, and it hits very close home with me. I am doing and continue to do as you have posted. It urts like crazy knowing about her and him and every now and then having that visual upsets me. I doing better than I should be. I am lonely having to be a single parent, soul provider and what not. there are not enough hours in the day to do what I do , let alone go out and GAL in a heavy way. I take the opportunites to go out when they are there, but have to be conscious of D17 at home as well. We as parents, neglected her to our party weekends. I have grown up, she has not. Based on the books I have read, people I have talked to, people on this board and others, there is little doubt she is in MLc. And you are right, she has to do this alone. Nothing I can say or do will help. even her best friends are at arms length, and to the person, say she will not realize anything until she hits rock bottom, the ultimate train wreck or the crash she doesn't want to be in. these are allthe terms they have used. I have been told it will get worse before it gets better. I don't know what that means, but i am assuming it will get worse for her, she will ulimately try to justify more crap and somehow I will be dragged backinto the drama. That is where I get my strength. I have chosen not to get on the ride anymore or get dragged. I have much more control than I thought and that situation presented itself to me recently. I do not flounder with her, get it done, move on, out of the way. If she is watching, she is seeing dust. I am told they watch and they watch closely, why? She has OM and she seems happy with him, in love, ahhhhhhhh....then why does everyone tell me how miserable she seems, how depressed she looks?
Also, this conversation came up last night, is there a certain amount of jealousy that will snap them back>? I have caught up the bills, established a pretty good house cleaning maintenance program wit D17 and seem to be geting along OK. financially she is a mess, personal life is with her friend who she lives tih, her best friend and OM (who I have been told has no friends, he is a cling on). Mine isn't much better, M-F, here is my day
1. Out the door at 6:45 to drop daughter off at school and get to work 2. Out of work at 5:00 (salaried no overtime) 3. Home around 5:30 and start dinner 4. We eat around 6 - 6:30 depending on what I cook 5. Go throguh the mail and talk with D17 about her day when she doesn't go to her mom's 6. Either go to the gym around 7 - 7:30 or do some project around the house 7. Crash around 8:30 9:00 and watch some tube 8. Bed around 10:30 Rinse lather repaet.
She at least has more being around adult time than me, i have more quality time than her. When I hook up with my friendas it is always a good time. I am not allowed to discuss her, or us.
I am told they watch and they watch closely, why? She has OM and she seems happy with him, in love, ahhhhhhhh....then why does everyone tell me how miserable she seems, how depressed she looks?
Also, this conversation came up last night, is there a certain amount of jealousy that will snap them back>?
My wife watches me like a hawk. Her radar is FINELY tuned to pick up any and I mean any negativity what so ever. I think deep down they are still attached to us. Plus their self esteem is rock bottom and she is very self conscious.
Plus they feed off of our negativity, anger, sadness, confusion.
They will not let the LBS see them unhappy, recently my wife has been out right unhappy and complaining then boom way upbeat. She is now starting to let me see this. They are NOT happy at all, they are miserable. The OM is a quick fix just like a hit is to a junkie. They are not in love at all. They are both using each other.
How can anyone that spews anger and thrives on conflict be happy???
My wife does get pissed when a buy something nice for me or the kids.(childish) You don't want to snap them back, ever. They must complete this on their own or else the will fall back into another crisis later and it is WORSE.
I don't beleive jealousy will work, Yes you will piss her off royally at first. Then though you will take away all of her guilt and she will justify what she is doing because she will assume you are doing the same.
I think you are right about the jealousy thing. I know it has to piss her off to see the bills paid, no bills lying around the house, my house paperwork neatly filed, house clean, D17 not complaining about her life or anything. I do waht I can for my family and home, then for me. It makes me feel good, so i like it in that order.
I posted over at my post in Walk-Away-Wives, that she called me about a brake problem with her car. I did her rear brakes about 2 months ago. when I was being the "I'll do whatever so you'll talk to me and appear to be coming back" me. He left. So I went and checked it out because she does drive my D17 to her house every now and then, so safe is safe. Told her to take it to the dealer, fluid is low, probably the booster leaking. get it done before it fails. she asked about putting in brake fluid and i told her to pick it up on her way home. I won't get into the whole thing, but she seemed upset, not mad but upset. Like she expected me to do it, she definitely didn't think I would come into her work and see her face to face, she thought I'd call her and give her the update.
I showed her that she is no longer in control of my feelings, I am no longer intimidated by her presence and she most definitely got my "as if" cool and collected attuitude. Finished out conversation and left, said bye.
She thanked me and called out a have a nice day to me. i had a couple of words for her too, but i let it slide. I love her, she is beautiful and she is not in her right mind. She needs to get rid of OM and start doing things for her like I did for me. then if she wants back, it will work. I ain't bringing in her baggage.
I have just notified my car insurance agent to remove her and her car from my policy and to redo the policy for her own insurance. I emailed her the info to get this done. also, I have asked her to get her own health insurance as my premium is going up on the family plan as opposed to a two member plan (my D and me). Mass health law says you must have health insurance. Emailed my lawyer for advice.
