Reading through my most recent posts this morning, I guess I saw some positives...in that she's not threatening to call the police and she's taking our baby from my arms. We're not talking much at all - which is also necessary - and I am finding better ways to focus on my life. I've started trying to dress a bit better no matter what I'm doing - and that seems to make me feel more positive about myself...I've also started wearing contact lenses more often...since I sometimes feel like I hide behind my glasses and don't really open up to people the way I do when I don't have them on.
Other things that I'm working on are just calling out to friends more often (last night was the first time I've had friends over for dinner in ages) and making sure that I get myself up and out of the house more....
Detachment is a strange animal...I've let go of my attachments to my wife - and yet the love for her that I have continues to ache inside of me. I have it under control though, which is why I won't pursue her, get into arguments with her, or talk about our R/M anymore.
I was reading through some stuff I wrote at the beginning of this - when I first logged on - and when I started journaling about my marriage years ago...and the simple truth is that if nothing had changed we would have remained in a terrible marriage. I was not happy...and eventually my unhappiness became resentment toward her...and while I realize that part of it has to do with her, I'm also seeing just how much of it has to do with me - and how complicit I've been in giving myself up over the last few years.
The friends I had over last night are both getting their PhDs right now - and so our conversations were probing and heavy and complicated - and thrilling...the kind of conversations I used to have every day...the kind of interactions that used to fill me with a kind of intense energy and excitement about life...and I've not felt that in years...and that's not my W's fault...it's mine...and I have to recognize that and do something about it...
