Trixi aka "The Pitbull who can't let go"

[Trixi]

Hmmm....January. I just got some new buyers this week that can only go out on Saturdays, but if we find something in the next couple weeks, I will have a better idea how Jan should be shaping up.

H came over last night. I actually decided that I would stop protecting him from my feelings and said as much.

*Told him I didn't like the lack of communication thru out the week and he was agreeing before I could even finish the sentence.

*I told him that he is supposed to give to me and then I give back; that currently I am doing WAY more than my fair share in the R while he sits back and all he has to do is arrive. I am sick and tired of always pushing the R up the hill while he watches and his big 'contribution' is to drive 25 minutes to my house.

*I told him that I am tired of being hidden away. That I don't like how un-integrated our lives our. He said that he thought they were better integrated now than when we lived together. (ie hiking, doing stuff, etc.) I said a)it USED to be that way, but not lately and b) I meant that I want to be able to meet his friends and not be the 'secret'.

*He said he is still mad for what happened in the past. That he felt lonely and sad. I apologized (again) for being sick and said "I was sick. What's your excuse?" He said "What do you mean?" I said "I had a thyroid problem that made me exhausted. But you would go out til 4am, go hang out with people I never met, basically shoved me out of your life. Right now, I feel lonely and hurt a lot of the time because you are basically ignoring me. You cheated, I have not. What's your excuse for your behavior?"

*I said that I have done all sorts of things that would advance the relationship; can he name anything he has done? (no) In fact, this "Maybe you're winning me over" BS is just that BS. I said that HE should be trying to WIN me back since *I* haven't done anything 'wrong'. I said that *I* was willing to forgive him for what he actively DID and that it wasn't right to hold what I didn't do against me.

*Again he said he was scared he would get bored; that it wouldn't turn out, and he knows that if I move back in, that's it. There is no going back. It will be for the rest of our lives.
-I said that I understood he had been hurt that I 'checked' out of the marriage, but that he has already seen my changes since I started taking medication.

*He asked if I wanted to do Christmas and New Years with him. Christmas would be with the kids too, of course.

*I asked him if he was looking for "the next big thing" (girl) and he said that he was not looking right now. (Yes, "right now".) He has plenty to figure out in his life.

*He said that the past 20 years he has made decisions based on being successful at work and always doing what other people wanted. That he had to decide ONLY for him and what HE wants. I looked at him with a "What a crock" look and he asked what I was thinking and I said "It started with a used truck and ended with a convertible mustang, with all sorts of things in between. There were PLENTY of things you did with ONLY you in mind." He laughed and said "well, yeah. But those are small things. I didn't do that with the big decisions."

*He again said he wanted to see where he would go with the music. Wanted to be playing live by next summer. Felt like he had some really good songs written and that it could go somewhere. I pointed out that Bon Jovi, Sting,the late John Lennon and countless other musicians are married. He said it's not a married/not married thing...then he sort of trailed off. I don't know what his point was.

Anyway, we talked about that *I* deserve better than what I am getting. I think he enjoyed (for lack of a better word) the conversation.

So, for now, I have said what I wanted to say. I actually had thought that he might say "well, I don't want to be married" (or something along those lines) when I started this convo, so having him listen was good. I asked what he thought about everything I said and he said that he needed to absorb it and think about it. I know him and that is what he does. He may not respond right away, but he does think about what I say.

Tonight he is going to his parents' house for dinner and to discuss SS. I told him I want to be there because it all affects me too. We'll see if I end up going. He did say that of all the people in SS's life, that SS respected me the most and then H second. I thought that was interesting. Frustrating and interesting. Frustrating because I am being blocked from actually helping/encouraging changes. My H is trying to minimize how his partying affects SS opinion of things.

OH! regarding FB, he said he would approve me as long as I didn't "hound" him. ?!? I asked him to explain WTF that was supposed to mean and he was never able to. He brought it up out of the blue.

I am definitely thinking I need to get out of Dodge in January.