It seems to me, from what my H has said to me (and my H has a tendency to be brutally honest, even when it would behoove him not to be), that part of his struggle right now is whether or not to trust his heart to me again. Maybe that's not an indication that he's still in pain, but only that he remembers what that pain felt like and doesn't want to experience it again.
From a guy's point of view, and from seeing the antics of cheating guys, I don't know that it's so much a matter of "trusting my heart to you again". I'd say it's more of indecisiveness about which of two women to pick, the one you know from experience you weren't happy with, or the new one that seems good right now, but you are worried might turn into something else. I think a lot of the words of cheating husbands are saying just enough of what the wife wants to hear to keep them on the hook. Plus, many of the wives on here are falling all over themselves trying to prove that they have "changed". Some going so far as to more freely give sex or act more slutty. It's like a reward to a guy for cheating.
Maybe I'm misguided here, but when the cheating guy is kicked decisively to the curb when the affair is discovered immediately start crawling. It's our nature...suddenly something we had is no longer ours.
Remember...believe nothing of what they say. When it's a cheating husband it's the most true. Stringing two women along is great for them. Yeah, it may be true that it's also a cause of stress, but if you say just the right things, you keep the wife back on her heels so that they don't go on the offensive and kick you to the curb for being a cheater...which is what many are afraid of.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
For my benefit, could you clarify for me what you mean by "in pain"? Are you saying that men involved in affairs no longer feel the pain of rejection, let's say, by their wives? And does that mean they no longer care that their wife rejected them because they have someone else meeting their needs? I just want to make sure I'm on the same page with you, because I am really trying to understand my WAH.
lovehimso,
You are correct on the above. I am not sure it is always "pain" that we should be talking about, but more often "boredom" with the old and excitement with the new.
It seems to me that I have seen a number of women on this site that sound to me as if they are saying something like this:
"My poor, poor hubby, who I have caused so much pain and is out having an affair with another woman, is hurting very very badly and I can feel his deep pain. Others that I talk to also agree with me, that when they see him they can see how depressed he is and oooohhh how deep his pain is that I caused him."
You are sadly mistaken if you buy into that. I am not saying that he isn't torn up somewhat at times. However, when the BS takes all the blame and guilt on herself, then he doesn't even have to deal with his own issues. All he has to do is throw it back on you and say.."look what you did to me all these years.. it is YOUR fault"... She allows him to throw any guilt or pain right back in her lap... AND she allows it.....
In the meantime.. He is out with the new woman with no home worries anymore, both women trying to have sex with him most of the time to win him, starts shirking his resonsibility in many areas and on and on and on.....
He really isn't "FEELING" as much pain as you think he is.. OR is it that you want to tell yourself that he is in pain to avoid more of YOUR pain?..... Are you saying that suddenly if he comes home he has no more pain?
Too much emphasis on "his pain" while he is out playing. What about the love he says he "feels" for the other woman? Is that pain? My take is that when you are newly in love that you have quite a few highs and good feelings also.....
I don't see the women on here ALLOWING him to go through much pain. They keep allowing him to avoid it because they let him have his cake and eat it to... All too much and too often. God forbid, if someone like me tells you to get strong and let him possibly think he has lost you and that he needs to grow up. (which is the thing that works the best from my perspective as a man who has done such things in my past and what has worked the best on me and most any man for that matter)
It might be interesting to replace the word "pain" with the word "consequences," and see what the landscape looks like then.
Allowing someone caught up in immorality to feel the consequences of their poor choices is a BENEFICIAL thing, not a bad thing. It is allowing their inner conscience to struggle between their core beliefs and their new wayward behavior, which they know is inherently wrong.
For us Christians, it can be said that the conviction of the Holy Spirit, working on their heart, is a GOOD thing. The Proverbs say that only a loving father reproves a son or daughter.
Put more simply, a cheater SHOULD feel pain. It's healthy, and it shows they still have a conscience, and are struggling with their choices. We do them no favors when we rescue them from it.
"Never shelter an adulterer from the consequences (pain) of their adultery."
Maybe I'm misguided here, but when the cheating guy is kicked decisively to the curb when the affair is discovered immediately start crawling. It's our nature...suddenly something we had is no longer ours.
YEP.... It most certainly takes out the option of him "choosing"...
It seems like most women tell themselves this:
"If I throw him to the curb, he will think that I don't love him anymore"????????....
Boy if I would have known women thought like this when I was single, I would have dated 10 women at a time. I didn't realize that women respond better when you have a few women on the side that when you were faithful.... HMMMMMM
(NOTE: It isn't necessarily throwing him to the curb in anger or in an emotional jealous fit that I am talking, but more of a dignified, confident demeanor, and yet strong that 3 people in a relationship doesnt' work... Not even for Hugh Hefner)
I need to start a new thread. When I do, I will need to have some help from you and some of the guys about how to deal with the holiday situation. I know, for those who have not been military, the situation is a little more difficult to read, but I do value all of the input you give me.
Puppy, I agree with the above about convictions. too. I am just starting to realize the need for this in my own situation. I was too worried about making sure that home was THE attractive option, post-deployment.
SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
This is a "guys" thread so guys, please talk to me!
*H had an affair for over a year. Did not end it until I went and got my own house for me and the kids and then he decided he wanted to come live with us. (We moved back to our home town and both found jobs but he lived w/his parents and I got my own house when I moved up 4 months later)
*H and I went to Retrouvaille, were 'dialoguing', etc etc. Even at Retro he said he still had a lot of anger/resentment at me for a couple of specific things I had done 'wrong' in our M. The biggest "wrong" I did was just a couple months before his PA started and supposedly is part of the contributing factor
*H has done the "I'm in pain, I am tortured, I am conflicted, I can't decide" for two months now. Told me "can't live with you, can't live without you".
*His exact words in an email this week: I have severe doubts about whether I would or will be happier on my own and could regret that as much but I am really really beside myself right now.
*Has told me he plans to move out 'once he finds a place', but he doesn't want to tell the kids before Christmas.
SOOOOOOOOOOOOO, as a guy, doesn't this just let him stay in our home, eat our food, see the kids when he wants, even spend time with me when he wants (although nothing physical he sleeps on the couch), all the while planning his 'escape'?
Trying to decide if me kicking him out NOW vs. after Christmas is the right decision. Don't want to be the Grinch who stole my kids Christmas but I am getting pretty PO'd at the audacity of my H to say, "I am going to leave you, but not until I am ready to."
The answer to your question, BobbiJo, is "yes." But waiting until after Christmas, since it is only three weeks away, wouldn't hurt, for the sake of the kids.
Your attitude toward your husband's "pain" and "conflicted"ness should be:
"Well then! Looks like you have a decision to make!"
Yeah, he made the decision, he is going to leave me, has already looked into getting a second mortgage loan, this one is his name only, so he can get his own place. He just doesn't want to leave until he has his own place and all his ducks in a row...and until Christmas has come and gone.
Meanwhile he wants us to spend family time together, we are getting our Christmas tree this weekend to decorate with the kids, I set us up a December calendar to split time with the kids and he marked "both of us" with the kids on at least 1/3 of the days............We just went out to dinner as a family Tuesday night and had a great time....How does that make sense
I'd love to say kick him out....but yes, you can probably wait, even though it's a hit to the ego. Know any friends there yet? If so, then get out with them when he's the one with the kids. Go have fun. And yes, it's okay to even give him the impression that if you were approached by someone else that you are available. It's it playing him? Yep....better now than when you truly date after divorce.
I've went through the thoughts your husband is expressing. It's kind of weighing pros and cons. It's trying to decide years a head of time whether you'd regret this. Unless you give him a taste of it now, so he knows what he's up against, the only time he'll figure it out is when you are really gone....moved forward and with someone else.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
