Whether, what & when to tell kids?

[AlexEN]

Puppy, Gucci, others...

Now let me throw this into the mix. The main reason I haven't talked to the kids about it is my wife has already tipped her hands as to what she'll do. She's deathly afraid of being the "bad guy", so if I were to mention her affair (no matter how it was couched) she's going to tell them what an a-hole I've been for 22 years. I don't really care that she thinks that (because some of it's true, but, she played a role in it, too... and, yes, while I'm changing for ME, she "ain't changing for nobody" and, unless she does, I don't want "us" back anyways, but I digress... and don't write as well as you) but I don't like how that plays out in front of the kids and truly don't know how much they need to know. Having said that, I'm less and less inclined to "protect" her. So, my question is this, in this set of circumstances, what's the more important end (a) not having the children have to be subjected to what could get ugly; or (b) letting them know what's going on BEFORE wife actually files? I guess part of what I'm trying to determine is where to draw the line in protecting the kids from the cr*ap that no kid should have to deal with and not living a lie in front of them?

Not sure I asked that right...

[marriedCrazy]

My kids are S7 and D4. My W has told them that she is moving out to an apartment. They know that they are staying here with me. She told them that some times people do mean stuff to each other and it's hard to forget. That they just don't get along and cannot live together. Bovine Excrement. We've gotten along fine; but maybe there's truth in the "mean things" dept.

I told my S that I didn't agree with what your mother wants to do. However, as adults people are free to make their own choices and I cannot stop that. It doesn't mean that we have to like their choices; just respect them for it. That's all I've said. I do not plan on telling them the reason. When they get older, if they ask; I might tell them some things. The answer they get will depend upon how they ask it and how much they already know.

I'm a child of divorce, I had a suspicion of why my parent split. I was 10 when the split occurred. Later as a young man; my father told everything about his exploits like I was his "wingman." It made my mother furious; but he fessed up to everything. But I was in my 20's at that point.

I think that kids don't need to know the details; they know who's more at fault. Trust me on that. I can see it in my kids.

Good Luck figuring out how to handle this. It's not easy. I just wanted to give some insight from my perspective.

[hope3343]

Alex, When my H found out that our D15 knew he was not a happy camper. H kept asking how could "you" do this. I said I did not do anything -- you did this. I also told my Ds and my SIL that yes there were issues in the marriage and yes I take responsibility for my part, but they were workable and that my H did not want to work on a 21 year M because of the A. H was shocked that I revealed his A. Usually I try to keep everything private and it was a 180 for me.
If your W is asking for a D and tells the kids then yes tell them why. She will tell them that you are an a.. but that is to cover for her discretions. Say to your kids yes we made mistakes but I believe in my M and want to work it out. Then she will have to deal with your honesty.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Alex,

I don't think there's anything wrong with the kids knowing BOTH of their parents' flaws (told in an age-appropriate way, of course), and also how their parents have dealt/are dealing with them.

But I don't like the threat. I would tell her "Please don't use childish threats when dealing with something as important as our children. If you'd like to tell them the truth, I have no problem with that. I'm perfectly willing to own up to my own sins and flaws, and I will also let them know what I've done, and am doing, to try to deal with them."

Puppy

[marriedCrazy]

Nice Puppy. I like that.

[AlexEN]

Any guidance on any posts as to age-appropriate descriptions for 8, almost 11 and almost 14?

Puppy, how'd you get so mature so late in life?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Any guidance on any posts as to age-appropriate descriptions for 8, almost 11 and almost 14?

Puppy, how'd you get so mature so late in life?

Betrayal. It grows you up real fast.

[AlexEN]

Interesting point...

Back when I was pursuing, I made the observation to my wife, who was telling me she didn't believe the changes in me were "real" or would "last" (and which I now realize had nothing to do with whether or not I had or had not changed, but that's a different topic) that one of the things that should give her comfort was that I now knew things that I didn't know before... My point, and I know you were saying it a little bit tongue-in-cheek, but betrayal and the things it causes us to do, really does make us look at ourselves more. So, as usual, your one word answer hits the nail on the head.

[AlexEN]

Want to shift gears on this thread (since I'm accused, rightfully, of being in too many places at once, and didn't want to start yet another thread)...

I want to know how LBS feel about wearing their wedding bands.

I was at some friends' house (who know what is going on in our relationship) and they noticed I didn't have my ring on (my wife eitehr didn't notice or never told me that she did notice). I told them that as far as I was concerned, I wasn't "married" anymore because, for all intents and purposes, my wife has left our marriage. This couple was adamant that I put my ring back on. They pointed out that she is the one who is being a hypocrite by wearing her wedding band and I would not me as I still want to fight for our marriage. They also thought not wearing the ring would give her what she wants, an aknowlegement of sorts that I accept her position that a divorce is inevitable. Moreover, they said, if my kids were to ask, what would I tell them. If I'm not ready to tell them about what's going on, I should not take the ring off.

The flipside is when I was out with a group of betrayed spouses. Many of them did not have their wedding bands and said they had even confiscated their spouses rings.

I think it feels more honest to take the ring off, but only if I/we are prepared to tell the kids their mother wants a divorce. Given that it's the holiday season, and I'm *thinking out loud* here, I'm inclined to go that route but only after the holidays are over. Would hate for the kids forever associate this time of the year with what is going to be traumatic for them.

Puppy, I guess this is one of those instances (proving your point) where what is right doesn't necessarily mesh with what would make me feel better about myself, as I think the interests of the children are best served by holding off for the time being.

Does anyone know of any threads where the wedding band topic is bandied about?

Thanks,

AlexEN

[hope3343]

Hi Alex, I asked that question on T2L stich. Some took their rings off. My H moved out Oct 1, but I have chosen to wear my ring at this time. My H has only worn his ring first year even though he was not running around till this year. It is a personal decision. I feel I want to stand my my marriage even though I am the only one of the 2 of us that feels that way for now. Have I thought of taking it off, many times -- but it also makes me feel safe right now since I do not want to give out a signal that I am free. I feel too vulernable right now and don't want to appear as if I am available. As I said you have to do what you feel you are ok with.