omg hope your H ow cant still have kids!!!!! she might try to trap him!
M 36 XH 34 3 children If a house is divided against itself, that house will not be able to stand. Mark 3:25 "your mood swings are giving me whiplash" twilight ALIVE FREE AND HAPPY 2010
I already have said that one long ago, she supposedly can't have any more kids. H said he heard that in a conversation, he wasn't a part of, before he was interested in OW. Do I believe that one? Not really. If he does get her pregnant, he is going to have a long road, as he is 44 so that means he will be 64 or 65 when the kid is 20!
At this point I wouldn't put it past her, or anything else.
MT, I've been trying to figure out how to choose the words that I wanted to say to you, that IMO you are too available for your H. He moved out and sleeps with ow now, but what else has really changed?
There's a thread here in Newcomers called Guys Chime In here and Puppy posted this. Maybe you've read it, but just in case -
Quote:
I think perhaps THE biggest misunderstanding about Michele's DBing principles is that you DB "to win them back." You DB to win YOURSELF back, and hope that the "new you" that you create will have the added bonus of being attractive to your spouse. But if there's infidelity involved, it's a very, VERY tricky path to navigate, as you DON'T want to reward (or even enable) the bad behavior by REWARDING the wayward spouse with your attentions.
Basically, you want to convey "Oh yeah, I did a lot of soul searching and I DO get it now, and I AM making these improvements. But they're not for YOU, they're for ME. In fact, even though I still love you and don't want a divorce, I'm not even sure, based on what you did to me, that I can even trust you or even want to BE with you anymore. We'll see. In the meantime, I'm working on ME, and it's exhiliarating."
That's a crude way to put it, but that's the gist of it. It's NOT supposed to be you saying "Oh please, I'm so sorry that I treated you so poorly that you decided to have an affair! THIS IS ALL MY FAULT!!! PLEASE notice my changes, and give me the chance to win you back!!!!"
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
WC - Thank you! I have been thinking it, I know I am too available, all that is different right now is that he doesn't sleep at my house for the 3 or 4 hours he was home at night. I know I have to work on that, and for me that is probably the hardest part, but I know I have to do it. Like everyone else, he was the one I talked to after work and we did everything together. I have never been one to go out and do things really. My friends and I always joked, that MT is not social outside of work, cause I never wanted to do things. In high school, I didn't go out a lot, I would always use the horses as an excuse as to why I didn't go out, and for the most part it was true, but there were a lot of times, I just didn't feel like socializing. Now in my job, I am "on" continually talking and interacting with people all day. When I go home, I liked the quietness and H and I just talking. I would go to Wal Mart at 6:30 or 7:00 in the mornings on Sat and Sunday so I didn't have to deal with people. Once this started my friends told me I needed to be more social, and I have been trying. I go to Wal Mart now at 9:00 or 10:00! LOL. I have went to eat with friends and to the car races too, but I always fall back to do something if H wants to.
I know I have to do something, there is a quote in the movie Something to Talk About, where (Julie Roberts) Grace's sister Emma Rae says, Do something, do something drastic.
I need to do something drastic, and find me.
Thank you for the kick WC! I do need it and a couple hundred others.
Wow MT are we twins? Even down to the high school thing. I am not an "out" kind of person. Never have been. I tried after the bomb but it just felt so fake. That is when I started to find other things. Around home, on the computer, that I enjoy.
I too still wake every couple of hours. Don't really know why but... You will figure that part out. I'm glad I'm not the only one thinking too available. I too was/am too available to H.
Listen, you know where my head is, what H and I have talked about the last few days. Well last night the rollercoaster went off the tracks and may be turning around. H finally mentioned the only person he has ever been able to just accept was GM cuz she never hurt him. How long have I been saying that here? Some other things, the last couple days were good, wondering, but as soon as he really starts to consider, the hurt and anger come back. He is not anywhere near figuring it out but he is maybe moving in that direction. No idea what the outcome might be in his mind, but what a difference from anything he has said for months now.
Just wanted to share that as something to think about. Time is on your side even though it feels like the enemy. But you have to save yourself in the meantime. Or your soul will be crushed by the time he gets there and then what? Start small or dive right in I dont' know which will work for you. But...
Have a wonderful day, I have some reading and stuff to do today, but I will try to be more present. Missed all you guys these last few days, but boy yesterday was productive.
If you focus on the past, you ruin the future. You can only live for today.
That is funny that we all seem to have so much in common, if you put us all together and made one person we would have traits from all us in one person...Did that make sense?
Well I took a baby step (BIG step) for me last night, H had called after he took the steel to the reclaim before I had left work, and said he was heading out. So I called my friend Tiff and went and saw her and her D last night, her H works for the railroad, so he was out. I went home and changed into sweats, now I wish I would have stayed dressed up. H called me at 8:45 on my cell. I didn't answer. I told Tiff if he called me tonight I wasn't going to answer. She gave me a hard time and said yeah right, so it was even easier cause she was with me. He left a VM- Hey, was just calling to talk to you. Talk to you later.
I left around 9:15 or so. Got home and H was there! I was VERY surprised, he must have called me on my cell when I wasn't at home. I said what are you doing here? H said I just came to see you. I said Oh. I don’t know if he was worried about how I was, or what, cause he said Are you OK? I said yeah I am good. We talked a bit, and I fed the dogs some Arby’s. He asked me if I had visited my girl. I said yeah, and told him about her falling. She was running and slipped and hit her head on the door corner, a huge goose egg came up and had a cut. Tiff called her sister n law who is a nurse, she said to use ice and ibuprofen. Tiff didn't have any ice at home. I told Tiff if we needed ice, I could call H and he would get us some, where OW lives is only about 5 miles from Tiff and that is where the closest convieient store is. Tiff said he would for D wouldn't he, I said he would for us too. I didn’t tell him I was going to call him. Told him that we took our ice from our drinks to make the bag of ice. He laughed. I wasn’t real talkative, on purpose. He had turned on the musical tree and had the lights on it going. He laid down with boxer for a while and was playing cards on the computer. He stayed about 45 min or so after I got there, was watching a movie. He left about 10:15 or so. Gave me a hug and a kiss. So I think that is good that he came to see me and I wasn’t there, and I didn't answer. As he was leaving he told me he had left me a VM, I said Oh, must not have heard it.
He did call me this morning really early, was about 5:40, We talked about 10 min on his way to work. I said gosh you are up early. I would say he couldn’t sleep. He never goes to work that early, at least not when he was home, he would have sat around. He was to work about 40 min early. Said he was going to sit around and BS until 7:00 anyway. I laughed.
Yes, I second the motion that you need to be less available. Less accomadating for him. For a time anyway. He needs to miss you and he never will as long as you still have your cake on the table. Time is on your side. The more time he spends with OW in his current situation, the sooner he is going to miss you.
This is where acting "as if" comes in to play. It is not easy, but it is an investment in healing yourself and allowing him to wonder what would happen to him if you were truly gone.
Most of us are about as happy as we make up our minds to be.
