A family member ran into a friend of the Ws and got to talking. the friend indicated that she asked the W if we would get back together, she said no. My family member went into a meltdown, all upset. I calmed them down. they said they wanted to to tell me because I am still hoping for a happy outcome and it won't happen. I didn't really get into but indicated to this family member that action speaks louder than words. When she files ofr divorce, and the decree has been met, then its over. Telling this friend that we are going to get back togehter is the same as saying they made a mistake. So i calmed their fears. I feel good being able to say it, but once again her words ring. I know I am not supposed to believe anything she says, and I don't. This comment ws made a while ago, few weeks anyway. The firend did indicate that she didn't look good, she acted happy but they could tell it was an act. More confirmation.
Posting this because it bothered me. More because the family member was so distraught that they needed to tell me to stop hoping and kick her to the curb. Seem to be getting a lot of this since church on Sunday....
AmyC in response to your post to me, yes i did consider everytime I have an emotional reaction that it was a setback or backslide because I need to not get this way. I fel better knowing this. I have read the book 3 times, I think a forth would be good right now since my detachment process is heavy in the works.
I have found a way to keep her in my head, but in check and not get into the drama. Sunday nights episode and todays. when I sat back and thought of what it was that meant the most to me in both of those situations, my D17. I have been thinking today of what issues keep brining her into my head. Obviusly the thought of her and him are very upsetting to me. So I think of something I am going to do that makes me happy in the next 24-48 hours. It doesn't take away the pain, but it takes away the image.
These calls about her getting married, telling people we're nopt getting back together ever, etc...have not discouraged me as I am concentrating on Saturday, my D17s health, helping her with other things and calming down!!!!
I am thinking some times, that by being so dark and doing these things makes my opportunity with her virtually impossible to ever be. I do recite my words, if she is with him there is nothing, no expectations, no nothing, move on down the road a ways. I think I am really getting it now. I think I finally have found what it is I need to do. As long as I now know that if I emotionally crack, cry or pain because of feeling for and towards her is not a setback, backlside or anything negative to my current status, then i absolutely feel better. I just thoguht I would have to keep getting up each time and restarting. Now i Know all I have to do is pick myself up and continue from where i left off. It does give me some real good peace of mind. thanks,
Seem to be getting a lot of this since church on Sunday....
You will always, always, ALWAYS get slammed after you think you've gotten a revelation via church.
I can not express that enough so you might as well start to anticipate it if you keep going. The family has an Advocate and the family has an enemy. Which one do you reckon you're pissin off by seeking revelation?
You need to decide soon what you believe and what you want and then you need to decide if, when and how you will fight for it.
Otherwise, quit and file.
But stop being moved in whatever direction the wind blows from one day to the next.
Also, tell your family to suck it up when they think they need to tell you to quit hoping.
If they are not a part of the solution then they are a part of the problem.
There's way too much talk going on around your sitch.
Thats my stand, I thought I had that point through on my last post. My thing about seeing more of it since church was a sarcastic remark to my self. Yes the farther I get, the wider the view, the more I will see and hear. I choose to hear, but not listen, I choose my fight and I am here doing it. I have more tools and "weapons" now, today. I have things in my head. Something clicked with the D17 having to go to the docs and then the hospital. What i thought was most important, wasn't, what I thought was important is the most importanat and my energy needs to be there.
Yes way too much. I think the holidays have too many people pitying me, I don't like it much at all. I am fine really. I am sounding here and taking your advice as Gospel, I mean it. You know me by now and you know which way I am moving. Again, I post things that disturb me so they can be gone from me. tha is why I asked about the journaling. I feel better seeing it in print, it is down and done. It no longer requeires a place in my head.
Every time I move forward i expect a blow. But as I posted, something truly has clicked. I don't know if its because of Sunday. I believe it is. I believe my signs are clear. The uncertainty in my head after Thanksgiving, Church and the situation with my D17. She was, I bleive reaching out for atention with her actions. And I believe she was looking to see who it would be. there was obviously no doubt in her mind who it was goiing t be. But it did establish in my head things i am neglecting while paining for the W to get out of her fog. today with the D17 and her problem made me feel very good about myself. I felt very connected to her. She looked at me like the big man I am to her. I don't know if you know that look, but it is very endearing.
Yeah, I'm doing it right and I think I have been for a while. thanksgiving was good, but its over. Again, if she is with him,there are no signs from her. end of story, turn the page. I feel real good right now and will try to stay out of the wind. I understand that for every step forward I take, something or someone wants to push me back. For every time she gets hit with something contradictory to her decision or situation, she tries to justify her actions in her mind. I know all of this. It doesn't hurt any less, so I let it roll.
Its been great with my kids for the past two weeks, no talk about their mother, at all. If they offer something I tell them I don't want to hear it. Haven't talked to the MIL for over two weeks.
Now you understand why I am telling everyone i don't want to hear it. Like in my previous post, when am I the most happy, when i don't see her, hear from her or about her.
I am stihled to this and committed in my fight. going to church is my exclamation point. I don't care what anyone says, especially her. her words are mixed, she is not rational, as you also indicated, so there is nothing to judge. Believe it or not I really am good. Just throwing thoughts today. No one appreciates your feed back more than me. sometimes I am looking for my own validation, you are always there to give to me. Love you for that.....
Good day today. Spent last night thinking and really doing nothing other than clean up up BILs room. what a freakin mess....
Me and D17 had a nice dinner together, pulled pork, came out fabulous. Talked about nothing. She wants to go to school for psychiatry. With all this she should ace it. had contacted her guidance counselor and she is going toarrange for some interviews and get some scholarship paperwork going for us.
We talke dabout Xmas shopping. She is putting together her music for her dance recital solo. she remixed a couple of times, she is very good at it. Sounded good to me. She has chosenthe song "Too Late to Aplogize" and the songs she cut in are on the same emotional message. these are songs from a CD she made me recently. She cares about me very much and she is concerned i don't have anyone. Told her its OK. She says its not, its not fair and you're awesome, somebody should be with you. It was very nice to hear. She wants whoever it is to be named Emily. she likes that name.
I am going Xmas shopping tonight. Store going out of business with ubelievable deals. Walking arond boaston Saturday may not be her idea of fun, its suppose to be in the low 30's. she's always cold, like her mother.
We'll give it a run anyway. I was going to take the train, but I'll drive istead, that way we can leave onour own schedule.
Started doing picture collage of my friends. Ran out of recent pictures. I have to develop all the film she had not. there is about 50 rolls, no kidding. I'll take a few down and see wats on them.
redid some filing and things like that, busy work while I thought. AmyC has given me plenty to think about with regard to wher eI want to be. I am where I want to be and I am doing what i believe needs to be done. I am alone emotionally, I feel it, my father is gone and so is she. Looking forward to Saturday. might scrape up some money and take her to the Nutcracker. I think she would love that. Busy tonight with some Xmas shopping, only about an hour though, shopping gives me a headache. Will stop by FIL and say hello. Thursday I may meet some friends at the local 99 Restaurant for drinks (mine will be cranberry and club). Won't stay there long. Playing cards Firdy night, Saturday with D17 and Sunday, housework and football. HAve a couple of buddies that might come over, play a little cribbage, maybe a glass of wine (living on the edge here).
Yeah, AmyC, you're right. It seemed like something was definitely slapping me for going to church. I usually don't believe in such stuff, but it happened to me, so there it is.
I can handle it. I have set goals for myself and removed any goals for R/M. I'll think about those when the OM is gone. For now, just me, D17 and the house.
You are not going to believe this. I got home yesterday and had a message from the W on my phone. I thought it was in response to my text to her regarding my money for the car insurance and separating the policy. Her brake pedal went to thefloor as she was driving to her friends house yesterday. She said there was a loud grinding noise as well from the front. I told her i didn't do the front pads as they were fine and had been done last year. She says it did it again when she picked up my daughter and asked what it could be. Told her to check th brake fluid in her car. Told her where to look.
If she was too nervous to drive my D home, then she could call me and i would pick her up. Told her if she wanted, I could look at the front brakes for her. She says she'll let me know.
The only reason to consider this is that my D is going over to her place more and i don't need her getting into an accident with D in car. If I do check out her brakes and they are OK, she will have to take it to the dealer as it is under warranty.
Once again, her brother is a mechanic and she knows he has Wednesdays off and the OM is supposedly a mechanic. why call me? In light of all thats been gong on, I am wondering if she is playing this game to connect with me or to see if I will accomodate her where i have been so dark. I am torn about this recent failure and feel I need to at least look at them and try to determine if it is something she needs to take to the dealer. I don't want to see her get in an accident. I know I shined on T'Giving as everyone said i needed to do, I shined onsunday night when i took control of the situation with D17, at least in D17's eyes and the W's friends eyes. By being concerned and checking out her car, would this be an opportunity to shine in W's eyes or is this another doormat situation? I'm kinda stuck nd need to get some feedback. Thanks, have a great day.
I agree. I'm sure this is no ploy, I'm sure she is concerned. But again, if she was really scared she could have called anyone else, why me? I have to feel (mayb?)she is feeling me out? Thanks,
By the way, some good things are happening to me. D21 got a loan so she can pay me back and I spoke with a cousin I haven't seen in 5 years. She felt bad for me and understands me giving her time and space to get her head together. She hopes I am well an getting thru the craziness. told I will get thru this, she told me no doubt, in our family you are without a doubt the strongest. funny, you were the one who was always there for everyone when their lives needed a push or help, and now you feel alone. she says its everyone else's turn to help me. She is so nice.
Called the W and i will go out and check her car situation at lunchtime. She kept thanking me and told me to stop in and tell her what I find. As I want to keep my distacne from her, I really don't want a face to face. But i think I have to shine in this situation by going in and seeing her. I am really nervous, what with having ignored her at t'giving and all. She ASKED for me to come and tell her what I find.
