Thank you so much, NW626. It really helps to feel so supported.
I honestly don't know how to go about forgiving myself. I'm asking God for help with that - as with everything - and otherwise I have no idea what to do. I've fallen before (chronic illness) and gotten up, so I know that somewhere inside I can do it. I have to try to find that place and start seeing the forest and not just the trees.
The problem is, the things I've had to grapple with before were things that happened to me, not things I've done. It's a different battle.
I just hope that somewhere inside he knows how much I do love and respect him. He was always my hero - in general but in very personal ways as well. I was just too proud to let him know it.
My family is going to be a battle because they are going to want to take care of everything for me, to get me moving forward. They all love him and want to help him - my aunt is trying to send him plane tickets to visit her and my uncle and get away, my mom and dad want to help him as well as me. Problem is, they have to let us both be adults, and that's really difficult to get across to them. I am their only daughter, and I don't know that they can let me go anymore than I can let him go.
Twisted, but I recognize the pattern. I got into an argument with my mom the other day because she wasn't letting me deal with things in my own way. As I was arguing, I realized that I was doing the exact same thing to him - trying to make him deal with things in my way because of my good intentions.
I'm gonna bake the muffins. And everything will be clean, and the dog will be brushed and fed. I'll be looking good, and I'll make some coffee and have his bills separated for him. Maybe I'll even pack up a few things he might want to take with him - more underwear, a book and a DVD and maybe something else that would make his life easier. He's an AOS, so he might appreciate it instead of feeling pushed away. If I were trying to help a best friend through a hard time, I'd make them a care package, so I don't think it's too desperate-seeming.
