Not much to talk about for today...I had some friends come over for dinner and made them some authentic Peruvian food - that was a lot of fun - and it was a joy to have them spend some time with my baby boy too.
When my W came by to pick up our son, she was cold and distant as usual - though I brought out some of our son's Thanksgiving art for her to take home.
It was an uneventful interaction - though I did have this strange moment of looking into her eyes and just not recognizing her at all...like I was staring at a complete stranger - it was very odd - and so after she took our baby into her arms (yes, she's actually taking him from my arms now), I went back inside to join my friends at the dinner table.
Looking back on that "stranger" face that I saw, I realized just how far apart we are - and just how far I am from her. I do love her - I think I just always will - but I don't see the same person in her eyes anymore - not the person that shared memories with me - not the person that married me - not the person that used to enjoy my cooking...It was like looking at someone that I had never met before...
So...it's quiet in this house now...and I'm thinking about moving out and finding a new place sometime in February or March. Not that I want to move away from this neighborhood - there are lots of pluses to it - I think I just want to be in a different space - something smaller - something that doesn't have so many empty spaces filled with meaning...
We had been talking about buying a place before we moved in here...thank goodness we didn't...
...a woman made prolonged eye contact with me in the gym this morning...nothing came of it...but it was nice to feel noticed by someone...
I'm going to that men's ground again tomorrow night...their support and compassion is so very helpful...
I'm still not sure about this weekend. I have to be back here early on Sunday morning, so I may just make a simple weekend of it instead...thinking of going camping with some friends or maybe just heading someplace a bit closer than San Francisco...
