W called me late tonight, 1130, to tell me good night. Not out of norm for call, out of norm for time. I stayed calm and was pleasant with her but could shake the feeling that she was calling so late because OM had been with her. I don't know why I let that get to me so bad. My gut starts to fire up, heart starts beating out of my chest and I breath fire. I need to learn to at least let this be a smoldering feeling not a full blown burner. Whe was very happy, giggled a few times when I made a few jokes. Told me she had thought about me when she got home today. in my mind "hey om look how hard b is trying to win me back, lets go do it on his side of the bed". Not helping the burn. But at the same time she didn't rush to get off the phone or act like she wanted to say bood bye. There were several silent moments where I wondered what was going through her head. It was like those, said this before, when you are dating and those silent moments are just time spent together. Make sense? I finally said that I needed to get some paper work done before I could go to bed. Not true but needed an out. We hung up and for soom reason the emotion of the past few days blew up. I am learning that I have a lot more tear production now then I ever did as a shild. Shouldn't it be the other way a round! I haven't had a good bawling session for a long time. I am sure I read into way to much of our talks. I can her in her that she does still care, I can hear the guilt in her when she has been around OM, I here that she does still care, I here that she this she that......... These are the times it is very hard not to break down and plead my case with her, pursue if you will. I have never done anything in my life so backward feeling as this. Maybe thats why I struggle with doing the concepts. On paper it all makes sense but whe trying to apply this feels so backwards of what you want to do. UGH.
