Its that time of year.....

[Dawn of Hope]

well alot of the depression is actually brought on by the lack of daylite...not the holidays. Of course they dont help matters any. We suffer too. I started this thread for people to come to to realize they werent alone this time of year when spouses behavior rocked the ricter scale.

It's always nice to know you're not alone. My H just moved out last week, three days before Thanksgiving. That's my current version of holiday Hades.

I found out about OW#1 in early December of 2001, and at that time I had just started ADs but they weren't working yet. I remember that Christmas quite well; I was sitting at the table for Christmas dinner with H's family, and one of H's siblings announced an engagement and the other announced a long-awaited pregnancy, and I was sitting there thinking about the contrast between the excitement about all of that, vs. the fact that I was so suicidal that I was dubious that I would still be alive when either of those events came to fruition.

Last year, Christmas was only about two months post-bomb (discovery of ongoing A with OW#2), and I was expecting H to tell me he was moving out sooner or later, so things were strained, and I remember when I saw H's large, noisy (but generally warm and likable) family for the holiday, I was sad, thinking about the fact that it might be the last time I ever saw some of those people. And now H has moved out, so I'm sure I won't be seeing any of his family soon, if ever again.

And the holiday lights and decorations are going up all over the place now, and before this year, I always loved them...but now it makes me sick to my stomach to see them. I am so sad to see that I have turned into my mother, who has hated the holidays ever since I can remember. I really don't even want to acknowledge the holiday season. H was always the one who was the most into decorating for it, and he doesn't live here any more.

My father died suddenly on December 14th, when I was 7 years old. Two of my grandparents also died during the holidays when I was about 12 (consecutive years, I think). My mother never made any secret of the fact that she hated the holidays, but she tried to make it enjoyable for me and for my brother (5 years younger than me). There is a LOT of depression in my family; I think it was pretty inevitable that I would have it too, since everyone else in my family has had it.

Maybe we can all help each other see the holidays in a better light here on the board.

Peace,
Dawn