I was really confused last night about how little you seemed to react to your W's proposal with the VA benefit. I know you've already heard this from everyone else, but DO NOT LET HER DO THIS TO YOUR SON. I am 28... I can only imagine being 20 and having a parent approach me and ask me to take on debt for their behalf. DO NOT LET THIS HAPPEN.
[example: I have a good friend whose (abusive and manipulative) mom took out credit cards in friend's name without her permission *the day before she left her hometown to go to college*. WTF? It totally ruined her credit score and was another nail in the coffin on her relationship with her mom.]
If W cannot figure out how to use her OWN resources to set up two households, she CANNOT use your kids. Even under the pretext of getting one of the kids into a better school.
You need to give your son his financial independence. Even if it seems in his "best interest" not to.
Plus... it does not make sense for him to buy a house at age 20. He is just starting to blossom into adulthood and get a sense of what he might want to do with his life. He does not deserve to be saddled with a mortgage and tied to one place. He should wait until he's actually had the experience of paying his own bills and renting and thinking about where he might want to live before putting a downpayment down anywhere. Even though this is an awesome market to buy, it is a b!tch market to sell in and if, like any reasonable 20 year old, he decides in a few years he would like to explore other parts of the US and/or world, getting rid of that mortgage is going to suck some serious balls.
I almost bought a place when I moved to Atlanta 2 1/2 years ago and now I am SO GLAD that I didn't because I would NOT be able to sell it right now.
Homeownership means something really different when you are in your 20's.
And even if the plan was for him just provide the downpayment and not have his name on the mortgage or something... that is cheating your son out of something he earned with his blood sweat and tears. Don't do it, Jeff!!
I am confused by your equanimity. Why didn't this make you really angry?
Also, PLEASE read "passionate marriage" if you haven't yet. Your W is in a classic "2 choice dilemma" situation. You can't stay in that situation forever. you have to move forward one way or the other.
