How am I doing? Need some encouragement......

[nw626]

Hi Sam
Losing 70 is a really big change for anyone.
I think it affects women more because they tend to concern personal appearance more than men.
Since she has lost the weight, she looks and feels better about herself. She now has the confident that she can show the outside world. She doesn't need to stay home and hide anymore, play video game and watch TV.
No one really knows your W changes are temporarily, only time will tell.
If the changes are not temporarily, are they bothering you?

NW626

[Tawnya]

{{Sam}} Just figured I would return the favor of you stopping by my thread..it sounds like you are doing great with the babysteps with your wife and just to keep on keeping on!

Did you get your tree?

Tawnya

[Sam1007]

No, the changes in itself are not bothering me, especially the video games thing. I never was that much into it as she was, but I did enjoy playing every once in a while. And about tv, we were watching 2 or 3 shows a week, so it's not like we were couch potatoes or anything. I did enjoy those times though and talking about it. Actually, I love most of the changes! I have always told her I wanted to get out more often. I wanted to do things with her other than stay inside.

What's bothering me is that now that she FINALLY WANTS to do that kind of stuff, she doesn't seem to want to do it with me!! These are things I have told her would make her feel better about herself. I have told her these for a long time. I have tried to increase her self-esteem for years by complimenting her a lot (when I was depressed I probably did not do this as often though). And now that she has better confidence, she decides that she's not in love with me anymore? How am I supposed to feel about that!!?? It seems like she's keeping herself very busy and I think that is keeping her thoughts away from thinking about our sitch and where it's going.

So, now that I talked myself back into negative patterns again, I have to remind myself of the positives: whenever we get together we always have a good time, no arguing, we have fun together, she has not mentioned a D at all since this all started, always saying that she wants to work on getting back together, says that she's trying to get her feelings back (and her actions do confirm that most of the time).

I would also appreciate a woman's perspective on this!

[Sam1007]

Thank you Tawnya!

I did not ger a tree yet and I don't think I will. I saw some being sold on the side of the street while driving with my W and she reminded me that she's allergic to the real trees. So, unless I don't want her to come over at all, I should just use the fake tree that we already have. I am planning on pulling it out and decorate it with the boys on Sat!

[Tawnya]

Gotcha..yeah we got a fake tree last year as well, which I don't mind..we will be putting it up I think this weekend too..if hub doesn't get it out for me by then I will have to get my son or daughter to help me lug it out myself!!

Tawnya

[Sam1007]

Tawnya or LHS,

Any opinions on the weight/personality issue I mentioned above from a woman's perspective?

[lovehimso]

I was reading an article about people that have lost a large amount of weight and how they sort of lose their personality temporarily. It said it can take a while to find it again. I thinking this is something that could also have an effect on my sitch. Anyone have any experience or knowledge on that?

Hi Sam. Saw your message on my thread and thought I'd pop over to give some insight (for what it's worth).

A little background about me: I have struggled with my weight for years, since before I met my H. When I met him, I was at my lowest weight in several years, and was still on my way down. However, in quick order I had two kids, and the weight creeped back up. Then the marriage started to go bad, I got depressed, and the weight REALLY piled on. I am incredibly embarassed to admit this, but at the beginning of this year I was up to 265 pounds. I was an unattractive slob. I vowed to myself to make a serious dent in that weight, or else look into a lapband in 2009. Up until the point my H left the house (9/30), I had only lost 12 pounds.

After he left, I was so distraught I could not eat. I mean, really, I just could NOT physically eat. I would get sick, almost to the point of vomiting. I started losing weight quickly, as you can imagine. That stabilized after a couple of weeks, but I did not really regain my appetite. When he admitted his PA (10/23), it got worse again, back to the feeling sick when I ate. More weight came off.

Now here it is December. I don't get sick when I eat anymore, unless I eat too much. And too much is not THAT much, it's what a "normal" meal used to be for me. And I've only done that once or twice. I have found that my habits have really changed for the better. Even though I COULD eat more, I find that I don't want to and I'm not using food to mask my depression like I used to. I'm not even really that hungry, and food doesn't have the escapist appeal it used to. It's like I was forced to start new eating habits, and now that I could go back to my old ways, I don't want to. So, while I really wish that my H hadn't left me and wasn't having an A, these circumstances forced a change in my lifestyle that I had not been able to do on my own for years.

I am now down to 220. My goal is 210 by the end of the year. From there, I still have 50 to go, but that doesn't seem so daunting anymore.

Okay, now, finally to your question! :-) From my perspective, I don't think that someone who loses a large amount of weight loses their

[Tawnya]

I agree with Love..you don't necessarily lose your personality. However, I do know a gal that was really heavy and then lost the weight and became quite skinny..she definitely DID do much more flirting and had much more "guy attention" obviously and it did cause problems in her relationship with her fiance.

Also, it will definitely give you more confidence more than likely because you will feel better about yourself and hopefully that will spill over into other areas of your life. On the other hand, it really makes you have to "deal with your issues" because you don't have the weight to "hide behind"..

So, I don't think they lose their personalities as much as get sucked into getting "new" flattering attention and not knowing how to handle it, i.e. if someone has always been "pretty" they are use to it, would blow it off, or just take it and go on, if you know what I mean by that?

I'm sure that really didn't clear up anything LOL!! But, I hope it helped some

Tawnya

[Superstar]

Well, my wife was always "chubby", but not exactly obese.

I married her like that and I had no issue with it. I never once asked her to change, and in fact, I came to appreciate the curves of a real woman.

She, on the other hand, would complain about her weight and make comments about skinny girls on TV and how she would like to lose weight. I know now she has self-esteem issues.

As she approached 40, she was more serious about her appearance and I was supportive. I even cooked her special meals for nearly a year while she exercised and the weight slowly came off. She went from a size 16-18 to a size 4 in this period and suddenly found herself attractive to other men for the first time in her life.

One thing led to another, she hooked up with an OM from her work, and here I am now. I think it no coincidence that our trouble began once she completed her weight loss.

I admit I am a bit bitter about this fact.

[lovehimso]

Okay, this really sucks! My answer to your question got totally cut off! WTH?

Let's see if I can remember what I said and try this again. I know I won't be able to say it the way I did the first time, but I'll see if I can come close.



Okay, now, finally to your question! :-) From my perspective, I don't think that someone who loses a large amount of weight loses their personality. When someone gains a large amount of weight, there are usually emotional and psychological issues involved. I think what happens is the "real" person gets lost under all of that, and when the weight comes off, you struggle to remember who that person was. I know I am struggling with that myself.

And I don't think it's the weight loss, per se, that causes it. It's the fact that no longer are you trying to "eat" your problems. You're having to find different ways to deal with your depression, marital problems, whatever it was that you were trying to avoid in the first place by busying yourself with food.

When you're heavy, I think you tend to drop into a depression, even if you were already depressed before the weight came on. But the weight gain exacerbates it. You begin to feel worse and worse about yourself, not only about your appearance, but about the fact that you feel like you do not have control over it. You begin to question if you have control over anything. You don't go out and do things as much, because you're down and because of the weight you don't have very much energy even if you WANTED to go do something. Which continues the downward spiral of depression and eating to try to drown all of those scary thoughts.

Once you break that cycle and the weight starts to comes off, you are faced with all of that emotion, all of the questions about yourself. You begin to realize that you don't really know who you are anymore, because you haven't done anything for yourself because you thought you weren't worth it. You're still not sure you're worth it, because look what a failure you have been all this time!

Anyway, I don't know if your wife is going through any of these issues, but I would guess that she is. She's struggling to find herself again. She has to learn to feel good about herself again. And that's a whole new way to live, which can feel very scary because you're not used to that. I know that's how it is for me. And I'm not even really at that point, yet, completely, because I still have a long way to go to get to the weight I want to be. But, I am no longer dealing with my emotions by drowning them in food. I'm having to face things head-on. It's really a whole new way of life, and it's uncomfortable. It's a good thing, but it's not my comfort zone.

It's amazing to realize how much TIME I used to spend with food. Planning meals, shopping for food, cooking, thinking about what I was going to eat next, cleaning up the dishes from all those meals and snacks. Now what do I do with all that time? Gotta find something to fill it, and I can't even remember anything else that I like to do.

I hope that helps, Sam. I know I kind of rambled, but I hope you can glean something from my experience that will help you understand your wife a little better.