Quoting talitsa: Most of the attorneys I know say you have to go through law school as if you're married to it for 3-4 years, because it's that intense.
Hmmm...I hope he can have "two wives" then!
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
As for husband going through law school and being married to it. I bet that will do good things for y'all. Give him something to talk about and time in which to miss you!
Having gone through it 10 years ago (having dated my W during the first 2 years of it and being married the last yr of it), I can say that is intense, but in a good way.
And I agree with PnT, it could certainly be used as another platform for growth in your R if you both approach it with that somewhere in your minds.
Really awesome insights from Jeannine (posted on kitti's thread):
In regard to your last post in which you listed three things that went well for that day, I would say that the positives were based on what ACTUALLY happened and the negatives were based on something that you FELT. See the difference?
Definitely could have been applied on more than one occasion to my sitch!
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Just journalling a bit...won't be that interesting to you all, maybe, but I want to remember this...
Since h started school (ok, it was only 3 days ago!), I've been doing a lot for him...picking him up at the train, making sure there's food for him when he gets home, etc. That's good stuff...and I believe that AOS are a LL for him...at the same time, one of the things that I think has really been working well for us is the fact that he's been doing stuff for ME, pleasing ME.
I want to be careful to continue to do stuff for him but to not stop letting him do stuff for me, too.
Aside from that being NOT "doing what works"...it's also a direct path towards resentment if I start feeling like I'm "doing it all".
Anyway...guess it's all about balance.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Quote: There's a part of me that feels that closure is only going to come if I see her. There's lots of people who say that the op doesn't owe us anything -- I feel a bit justified in saying that's not entirely true in my case -- she sought me out as a friend during the whole horrible time. She lied to me too. I'd like to face her but I don't know what I'd say. And, frankly, in my head I know that even that isn't going to be wise or provide closure.
this is so a part of my bad pma this week. my desire to confront her. you see, she and i were friends, she took care of my daughter for gods sake. i sat with her kids. i cooked them dinners. we were NEIGHBORS - i talked to her about my husband and my problems at a certain point. all the while she was sleeping with him. that is the extreme ACHE i feel this past week. teetering on the brink of wanting to just go kick her butt into next week, and the other side, of just wanting to sit down and ask her why? and then one other scene is to just come right out and be bigger than her, and forgive her. wow, this is the hard one this week.
the one thing i really got from this thread is how much you realized you were a "i need words" type person and that your husband was not gonna give that to you. he is very action oriented. hmmm, i am gonna file this away and check this out with my hubby. after all, it seems that we are married to twins!
(wanted to throw in here that i am sorry to hear about your cat - i am not a cat lover, but your post about putting it to sleep brought tears - sorry)
thank you to jeanine for this comment
Quote: To feel comfortable in one's own skin is a truly wonderful thing, and to have achieved that, even if just for a day, is still an accomplishment of significant proportions.
i want this, i am striving for this
*********
wow, if there was one more underlying theme to this thread was the orientation you got with yourself and how that led you to all the feelings you were having about your husband and his affair (or the knowledge of whether it was still going on)
at one point you mentioned about feeling love "unconditionally" - i have always put conditions on my love, from child times, so this is an area i have been working on...loving H unconditionally - maybe like begets like and i will be able to receive the same treatment...we shall see
here's my 2 cents on your need for closure - do what ever you need to do to get it. If it means talking, then do it.
In my C session the other day (you may remember form my thread I'm seeing this guy who's authored some awsome books on marriage intimacy and separation issues), we talked some about infidelity (I was going over a moment from my past with my W in which I had to deal with her indiscretion).
He acknowledged that there are two schools of thought on the issue - one says talking does no good, the other says talk it out so you can heal. He's squarely in the second camp, and as I recall from DR, I think Michelle generally is too.
Point is, you can't heal until you reach closure for yourself, and that requires that ALL of your reasonable questions be answered. Now I know that dealing with the OP in this circumstance can be tricky, but I'm positive you can handle it in a way that doesn't threaten your H - and frankly, he'll know deep down that he shouldn't be upset over your need to do this.
