Thanks so much for the support, Bettou. It's really difficult to not be hard on myself these days. I'm normally a very confident, self-assured person, but right now I feel as though I'm on eggshells all the time.
I'm still navigating the board and catching up on threads, although I'm starting to respond a bit. Trying to make sure I give good advice first. I'll definitely check out your sitch. Thank you so much for stopping to check in on me.
I can't stop thinking about all the things I've done to get us to this point. I know that he's also made mistakes, and everyone keeps telling me that I need to get angry with my H (even he says things would be easier if I was angry at him), but the thing is, I really can't be angry. I was for a few moments here and there, but in the end I'm mostly angry at myself for not being there for him for years. I feel like I've come to all of these epiphanies a day late and a dollar short.
I ended up texting him at 7:00 - light and breezy saying that we're good (dog and I) and making an inside joke about the way our dog sleeps. He responded pretty warmly (and immediately). Told me to tell our dog he loves her, that he'll come over at 8:00 AM on Saturday to take care of the mortgage check, and told us (me and the dog) to take care and be safe. He sent three messages. I was brief and did not respond to the last "take care and see you later one." I'm trying to have PMA and tell myself that the fact that he's at least thinking of us is a good thing.
I'm terrified to see H on Saturday because I know I'm going to really have to prep my behavior ahead of time. I'm surprised that he's coming over to the house to pick me up and go to the bank. I'd pretty much expected to meet him there. On one hand, it could be a good thing - gives us more time and is more in line with our "normal" behavior. On the other hand, I'm really worried that he's going to pick up more of his stuff to take with him.
I'm just going to pray and try to stay calm. Trying to think about how to do a 180 on Saturday, and so far I'm thinking I'll: 1. Wear something that's not a business suit. That's tough since I always wear a suit of some sort, and I don't really own jeans or anything casual other than PJs. 2. Going to be friendly but not very attached. Breezy, as you say. No R talk. No "I miss you." Nothing about the financial situation unless he brings it up, and if he does, I'll ask for his advice. The good news is that my boss agreed to take my quarterly bonus and break it up monthly, so I think I'll be able to carry the house by myself for a little while. 3. Maybe I'll bake something the night before - like muffins - and just have them on hand. That's so not me.
Tonight is the first night that I've stayed alone in our house since he officially left on 11/20. My mother had been staying with me until today. It's so difficult to be here. The halls are hollow and his ghost is everywhere. I feel a deep emptiness as I sit here and type, a loneliness that seems boundless. I can't quite put my mind around the fact that I may never kiss him again. That perhaps we'll never watch horror movies or go to the shooting range or play Scrabble. I miss crying on his warmth and his humor. I miss us so much i can barely stand it.
I made the mistake of coming home and flipping through some of our old love letters. I found his stash of my old letters and cards, and they broke my heart. I read letters he'd written me in Afghanistan and wanted to kick myself for being a stupid kid that was too proud to write him back except once in a blue moon. He'd written me every single day - sometimes multiple times. I have hundreds of notes written on scraps of cardboard scraps of MREs that I didn't even bother to read at the time. Back then, i was too busy smoking in cafes and running free to care to read his "redundant" letters.
I cannot stop from thinking that ending things now would be such a waste. We have so much history and closeness and love (despite my bad behavior). He's so lost, and I feel for him; I have to continually fight my impulse to try to reason with him that what he's going through right now will pass. Lord knows I've been there myself. I just never physically left, although I've been mentally checked out many times before.
I can't help but wonder if I'm misinterpreting everything by trying to view what I know of his sitch through the lens of my own emotions and experience. Perhaps he really is ILYBNILWY, although he's never said that. I just couldn't blame him for not being in love with me. All of the signs point to him still loving me, but who knows. I could be deluding myself.
I suppose it doesn't matter in any case. I know I need to have a PMA and GAL right now, but the problem is that before all of this happened, I did have a fairly decent PMA and I certainly had a life.
Ah well. Going to think about putting myself to bed soon.
I'll definitely check out your sitch. 
Thank you so much for stopping to check in on me.
