I guess some people take longer than others. I'm one of them.
So, please help me accept this is the way it is.
Frank, your biggest problem is letting go and detaching. You may know all about what it is, but you surely dont know how to put it into action.
I think what you need to do first and foremost is go see an experienced lawyer. Tell him/her a condensed version of your long story and what you want. Prepare a list of questions. When you find the lawyer you are comfortable with, they will help you develop a game plan. Dont rely on your morally broken and lost wife to be calling the plays because this quasi marriage/hidden divorce could go on for years.
Once you can move on, I really believe that there is the happiness and love of someone else out there for you.
Frank, she has acknowledged and has shown appreciation from time to time. I sense, however, that you want her to wake up one day and feel that she needs you, and that she needs to be with you. But if this ever happens - and I bet it will (eventually) - you still won't be satisfied nor convinced, because you'd know that came back out of need, and not love.
You do know that you don't need her, don't you? Do you really want a woman to be with you out of pure need? Would that give you security or instability?
Besides, you've been down this road before. Why don't you try something different this time Frank?
One reason this may be so hard for you is the history of "leaving" in your life. Maybe you feel like you can somehow stop this all from happening (again). You hold on so tightly to this hope of reconciliation because you know, first hand, the brutality of being "left". Frank, you didn't have any choices at the other times in your life. You were victimized by the people who should have been protecting you.....for whatever their reasons.
You are not a victim in this situation. You have choices. You can have a very big say in how this unfolds. Try to look at this more from the vantage that you are choosing a healthier life for you and your children instead of it being a situation where your W is abandoning you. Maybe that will make it easier to do all the ground work that is necessary to protect yourself. I know I've said this to you before. There are no "do-overs" in divorce. You've had a lengthy marriage with someone who has mainly been a stay at home mom. This may not go down exactly like you expect. Research. See a lawyer. Soon.
I hope that makes sense. I hope it helps.
And, sorry friend, but Amy does a great job calling you on your crap. Listen to what she is saying and some of the interactions you have with W will improve. Less is more, in terms of your talking "at" her.
Hugs, Spitfire
Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest. Mark Twain
You are not a victim in this situation. You have choices. You can have a very big say in how this unfolds. Try to look at this more from the vantage that you are choosing a healthier life for you and your children instead of it being a situation where your W is abandoning you.
I hope that makes sense. I hope it helps.
And, sorry friend, but Amy does a great job calling you on your crap. Listen to what she is saying and some of the interactions you have with W will improve. Less is more, in terms of your talking "at" her.
Hugs, Spitfire
You know me so well. This is the thing I need to overcome. It's hard. Abandonment.
You are getting a lot of good advice here Frank. Hope you are listening.
Best things I did after my separation:
Go see a lawyer and get some books/websites and get up to speed. The day the doorbell rings and the process server is on the other side is not the day to think lawyer.
Really set boundaries, not just talk about them. Best do it legally - get the visitation schedule nailed. Your kids deserve no less. She has the kids at her place, not yours. On set days, not every day.
Set a budget and who is responsible for what bills. She is also responsible for the kids. Stop paying all her old bills. She is responsible for them too. Maybe 50/50 is not fair but neither is 0/100% if she is working even some.
Those are the minimum.
Interesting you used the word "indifference" a few posts back. Trying to fall out of love Frank? If you figure that out please let me know how you did it b/c I need to know the secret. The best we can do is focus on us and remember the love and come to grips with the fact that they need to move on.
What you are doing is to hang on so tight that you are enabling her behavior. In fact you are hurting her in a way since she *needs* to move in a different direction and your responses are in a way preventing her form doing that.
Finally, where is Frank in all this? You post your W's every move but nothing about Frank except for work.
I asked you some time back what is your five year plan? What is your purpose?
The way you are going I can easily see you in exactly the same place as you are today. With D12 now the new D17 going on D18 and ready to leave the nest.
Have you ever checked into Divorce Care? It is a great program for seperated and divorced men and women.You can check it out on the web. A great healing process. Bible based.
m-54 w-44 children-4 bomb-sept 21 2007 t-21 m-20yrs bomb-sept 23 2007 divorced but not giving up hope, not yethttp://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#post1224023
Hmm, just picked up D13 from school to go home sick. Told her to call her mom since W is supposed to pick her up to go to the dentist. I told her to get some rest so maybe she could still go.
When we got home, I asked her what W's plans were for tonights weekly visit at the house. D13 said that W told her this morning that they'd have dinner and then she was going to do some decorating. D13 said she told W that she shouldn't be decorating because Dad wants to decorate with the girls. W told her that she wanted to do some also, and was going to talk to dad.
D13 then told me that she was tired of mom acting like she still lives here.
"W I'm not comfortable with you doing things as if you live in this house. It also hurts the girls because it gives them a mixed message. We need time to heal and you need to respect that"
