Thanks, SMW. It's amazing how even our vocabulary can shape our beliefs, and not the other way around, isn't it?
Puppy
Exactly! I just started reading The Secret and it really hits on this. I do not consider it metaphysical, as it is tied to the belief that Our Lord, as a higher power, has the ability to reap benefits in our life, if only we are willing to accept Him and ask for the blessings.
SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
I just started reading The Secret and it really hits on this. I do not consider it metaphysical, as it is tied to the belief that Our Lord, as a higher power, has the ability to reap benefits in our life, if only we are willing to accept Him and ask for the blessings.
SM,
Great points. I too, have read the Secret and other "law of attraction" types of material. I think it can be applied religiously, spiritially or metaphysically. When I was at my most desperate point, my thoughts (and vibrations to the universe) were so focused on a D, that I'm sure I was driving my W to wanting one more. I still focus on me and my wife on the beach in Hawaii, and keep that visualization handy. But, I also have visualizations for me and my happiness if, for some reason, God does not have this destiny in my plans.
We might as well kick Mr. Rogers in there as well. That guy with all his sensitivity, sweaters and comfortable deck shoes sure messed with my head in the 70's.
How about SAFMIBWAM=Shaken Awake From My Ignorance By Wife's Adultry Male? Too long, not intuitive enough, too negative still? IDK?
What was the original question here?
Do I think I hold a grudge against my W? My W made more $ than I did. Twice what I did for awhile. I tried to make up for it by doing laundry, keeping the house clean, yard work, cooking, taking care of the kids. Then she decided she hated her career and quit. Three weeks before my dad died, just calls me bawling and says she can't take it anymore. No other job, not even a prospect of another job, just quits. Seven months go by, then we blow through my retirement, then hers and I hear "I need you to be a man and step up and get a better job!" So now our financial problems are my fault? "I want to be a stay at home mom," she said. Four months later she was back to work, "I tried to be a stay at home mom, it wasn't for me." Meanwhile, I was still doing the laundry, cooking, cleaning and being Daddy and working at my job that wasn't good enough. We moved four times because it was what she wanted. We had two kids because it was what she wanted. I didn't marry her because of any other reason than I loved her. Am I mad? Yes. Do I think this is all my fault? Yes. Do I hold a grudge against her? The more I understand how she is, the less anger I feel. However, there is a grudge.
M42 S12/D9 T17/M12 Bomb 1 3/22/06 Bomb 2 7/11/08 Bomb 3 7/31/08 W Filed 8/1/08 D granted 12/17/08 D Finalized 1/29/09
A man who compromises his principles never had them in the first place.
Most men are "fixers." It's how we are wired for the most part I think. That's why, when confronted with a wife who suddenly wants out of the marriage, our first thoughts are to FIX the marriage.
And boy, can we be relentless.
How many roads will a man go down before finally admitting defeat and asking someone for directions? Ok, maybe not all of us (and isn't in great that we now have mapquest and garmins), but most of us will go through every conceivable approach to FIX something before ever giving up and trying another approach.
And that's often the kiss of death in these critical marriage issues.
Pursue, pursue, pursue, change, plead, promise, pursue some more, go dark but in a mean spirited punishing kind of way, then pursue a little more. Add a dash more of promises and pleading, along with a large dollop of trying to "teach" our wandering spouse the error of her ways...well, let's just say that the final result is rarely what any of us were looking for.
DB'ing IS in fact based upon saving marriages. But it's absolutely true that the premise behind the DB'ing strategies is to become once again the man that your wife once found sexy and attractive. DB'ing sends US on a journey to find the true MAN that we once were, but chose to sacrifice along the way to married life.
There are no guarantees in this stuff. Some of these marriages CAN be healed, and to be honest, some cannot. If your DB'ing skill was all that was required, I can think of some good friends on this board who would currently be reconciling instead of going through the final stages of divorce.
You can't DB with a fixers mindset. You have to DB with a mindset of a man who acknowledges that there are things in his life that have slipped. That he has become LESS than he always dreamed he would be. That kind of mindset is the one that leads to effective DB'ing - that is, in the sense that you will DB with results that empower and strengthen who YOU are.
How odd that often our wandering spouse is in the same boat that we find ourselves to be in post-bomb. Maybe there is a sliver of truth to their statement that things have been bad for some time and THEY knew it. Unfortunately, rather than look within, as DB'ing calls US to do, they looked AROUND themselves and tried to finger just what it was that made them unhappy. Somehow WE always seem to be on the other end of that finger.
Do it for you. Do it because it helps restore to YOU a purpose and pride in self that is empowering. And maybe, just maybe, the wheels will turn in such a way that your spouse notices and starts to wonder just what in the hell is going on.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
I'm not a guy, but I'm chiming in because I have WAH still involved in an A, and I am finding this topic very interesting.
Quote:
believe these women have the wrong impression based on how they perceive things... I have been, and also know numerous males that are having or have had affairs. I can't recall any of them being "in this pain" that women on here talk about so much.
In fact,I see it as quite the opposite... Most of them feel FREE.. They have not ONE, but TWO women vying for their attention and doing most anything to "win" him from the other woman. They are actually LOVING it. The woman who falls for the "pain" theory is in denial. He isn't in pain.. He feels OUT OF PAIN...... (until of course, one of the women wise up and take back their dignity...)(hint, hint, read Kalni's thread and see when her WS suddenly woke up)
Gucci, I find your take on this interesting. You've posted on my thread something very similar, and I do believe you are right, that on some level most men eat this sh** up.
For my benefit, could you clarify for me what you mean by "in pain"? Are you saying that men involved in affairs no longer feel the pain of rejection, let's say, by their wives? And does that mean they no longer care that their wife rejected them because they have someone else meeting their needs? I just want to make sure I'm on the same page with you, because I am really trying to understand my WAH.
(After I started reading through what I had written before posting, I think I am catching on to what you are saying. maybe they don't feel this "pain" anymore because all of a sudden, their wife, who was the cause of the pain before, now becomes contrite and has suddenly become this person willing to bend over backwards in order to please her WAH and "win him back". Am I on the right track here?)
Personally, in my situation, I do believe my H was in an incredible amount of pain before he began his A. Pain caused by me. Pain that went on for a long time. And if I am to believe (and I know I probably should not) what he says and does, he appears to still be struggling with something, whether it be that same pain, or just a decision about what he really wants out of the rest of his life.
It seems to me, from what my H has said to me (and my H has a tendency to be brutally honest, even when it would behoove him not to be), that part of his struggle right now is whether or not to trust his heart to me again. Maybe that's not an indication that he's still in pain, but only that he remembers what that pain felt like and doesn't want to experience it again.
I also can see that H doesn't appear to be very happy. Someone who knows him very well has agreed with me that he acts very depressed, and he has confided in this person, as well as me, that the R with the OW isn't "all that".
I'm not really sure what my point here is. I guess I'm just wondering, from a guy's point of view, whether or not once a man gets involved in an A, it means he just doesn't care anymore about what drove him to it in the first place, and only feels the pleasure of having two women vying for his attention, like you said.
I don't doubt what you say about the feeling of freedom; I do believe my H is enjoying that and that is probably the main reason he keeps telling me he needs "space". He doesn't want the pressure to give up that freedom. Which is why I don't think he's in any hurry to divorce me in order to commit to the OW. But he's not in any hurry to come back to me, either.
Just out of curiosity, are there any other WAHs here? All the guys seem to be LBSs. I know the majority of people here are LBSs, but of the WA, they seem to be mostly women.
Me: 38 H: 41 M: 12 D12, S10 H began EA: 7/08 H moved out: 9/30/08 Bomb (sleeping with OW): 10/23/08
My story: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1638048&page=2#Post1638048
Most men are "fixers." It's how we are wired for the most part I think. That's why, when confronted with a wife who suddenly wants out of the marriage, our first thoughts are to FIX the marriage.
i kinda wanna add something to this point that Bill makes....and Bill is like a shaman here....LOL...
if it is true that men are the "fixers" in the R.....if the LBH takes that attitude towards ourselves....IE..fix OURSELVES..obviously after some serious soul searching and admitting to our role in the disintegration of the M...then we are still able to "fix" stuff the way we like to.....which then could very possibly lead to the restoration of our M.....
IDK if anyone agrees with me...but it makes sense if ya think about it....that's just another aspect of Dbing......
ME:32 WAW:31 D #1: 3.5 D #2: 2 Together: 13 M:6 Bomb Dropped: 2/15/08 Sep legally: 6/18/08
"Tommorrow there'll be sunshine, and all this darkness past..." -Bruce Springsteen Land of Hope and Dreams
FYI. I am using this thread as my guide right now w/ the email I sent my W about ending her PA that she wants to keep as EA.
confident, strong, funny, men who have a BACKBONE and are decisive..........
I feel empowered, yes she is spitting sewage at me. That's what I expected. I have a positive mindset. I made my decision and let her know what I want. I'm confident with what I wrote.
As someone put it earlier. Live as if you are building a relationship w/ anyone, not just your W. Have dignity.
