Wow, Jeff, lots of ground covered on here today...I agree your W should not get the VA loan from S. You have made no secret of the fact that your wife has made herself the one who 'runs the show' around there, at least from this point of view. DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT. Don't LET her run the show!!! Tell her that using the VA loan is flat out NOT an option. I know it is really up to S20 since it is his loan, but it is time for you to put your foot down. You agree I need to do the same in my situation....do it for yourself.
