Some good advice. I know when I go dark on her she comes looking for the light switch its just hard for me trying to figure out what to do when she does.Its as she knows all she has to do mess with my head a lilttle bit and then withdraw and she knows she got me where she wants me.
So, if you know her so well, Garry, why not use her predictability to work in your favor???
THINK ahead of time about how she is likely to respond to some "180" you want to do here, and then think about how you .... THIS time.... will respond. Even ROLE-PLAY it. Imagine yourself being confident, positive, and for once standing up to her and handling a situation better. Plan on how you will BOTH validate her better than you've ever done before AND stand up for your own interests.
I was taught this in a parenting seminar once, and it was great advice. The guy's point was that our kids (and I think this applies to our spouses as well) are, really, VERY predictable. And that we get into problems disciplining them because we almost always act out of the anger of the moment, instead of calmly planning ahead of time "How is X likely to respond if I do thus-and-such? And then how will I respond to her response? How will I handle it this time if she does her usual thing of thus-and-such???"
sounds like a plan.I think my problem is I am too focused on fixing the marriage instead of on fixing me and trying to move on and see if she misses me. This is some good advice will definetly try this over the next few weeks and see what happens.i am almost thinking about going dark on her and see what she does,maybe she misses me just s much and just aint showing it like I am.
Also Puppy I am not that strong I know her but for some reason when it comes to her I get weak and can not stay strong she really broke me down to a point where sometimes nothing matters at all to me. I think last night took me back to the beginning.You make it sound so clear and i see it but when I try I cant last for some reason. I need to really break away from her and see if she comes back completely I think the crumbs you talking about is whats going on,and its not enough. Why do i do this to me?
I know I am sometimes I get like that and its hard but I need to stay focused and stop all this stuff I am doing.Maybe wait for her to come to me. know she loves me,but I think thats the problem she takes me for granted and can do what she want while I sit at home waiting for a crumb
I am getting stronger though believe me,havent shed a tears in a hot minute and I can tell that I know whats wrong and what needs to get fixed its just doing it,and staying with it I need help with.
Well another day went by and I didnt initiate contact or tried calling her,I figure I start over and only tke it day by day and see how she reacts. Maybe start keeping a log what work and what doesnt and I can see more clearly that way. I know one thing and thats I needto GAL now and forget howshefeelsand thinks and not let her get in my head
Yes,made it another day,so I thought I give an update and see what everybody thinks. They are not in order or one converstion just things I remember and stuck in my head. Situation over last month or so:
ME: why cant you come home and give this marriage a try? HER: I need time If I dont come home bymyself its not right.Why cant you use the time to find yourself but not with another woman.
ME: I dont want to be your choice but your priority!! HER: I dont know what you mean by that all I do is go to work and come home
ME: What do you think about MC and see if it can help? HER: I dont think!!!
ME: Howmuch time do you think you need? HER: I dont know
ME: So are you saying you want his marriage you just need some time to work on you and have some peace. HER: No I am not saying that,dont want to lead you on.
ME: I am tired of that I am the only one trying to keep this marriage together and you just do nothing. HER:What do you mean I didnt say I was working on the marriage,but didnt I ask you the other day whats playing in the movies,and if you wanted to go.(Which she hasnt done since it all happened) I could kep going on its like she is saying a not coming home but wants her actions to say I might com home. I know she loves me I can feel it,bu something is keeping this women from givin our marriage a try. It is rather she feels guilt and wants it to blow over and then when its ll gone try or her friends is telling her to find herself and not talk to me and other woman and she will see who she wants. Right now I know i am trying the let her initiate any contact and see if she comes to me like the other day and ask for a movie or somehing.I think it hurts so much because now I see that she still loves me but not coming home.Before I see the evilness and that she wanted out but my 180 brought her back to me so that helped but she is not coming home. Staying strong though and this forum is helping alot.
Need some serious Advice!!! Got an interesting phone call last night from Mother in Law. She told me that my wif has talked to her for an hour and poured her heart out which is very unusual.My MOL told me that I need to just back off a little and let her heal. She told me that my wife told her she will be moving back home around the first of the year since I am going for some training on the 5th of January for 6 week. I had to promise her not to let my wife know that I know since she promised her daughter but she thought its something I should know. Now to the advice: What do I do now? What do I do once she moves back before I go to this training. i.e. set down some rules,or whatever? What do I do while I am gone. (call all the time or give her space) Hope anyone can help and MOL also said she might move in right after I am gone depending on how she feels before I go,but she does want to move back. She is not telling me though what else she said ,she told me it be unfair.She did tell me there is hope and this women does love you more than you know. enough on that. Want some serious advice what I should do.
