First, I need to mention my new W's exH was a sex addict....
We were on a Caribbean cruise last week. We stopped at the sulfur springs for a tour. My new W and I were standing along the road. An odd Suzuki 4WD car went by.... I looked at it.... I noticed the driver was blasting reggae music.....
My new W went off..... She asked me why I was looking at a girl like that... I said I did not even know there was a girl in the area I was looking... I said I was not looking at the girl..... She insisted I was.........
Now, here is the kicker...... She says she is "sticking to her guns" that I was looking at the girl.... She said I need to take responsibility..... I flat out told her I am not taking responsibility because I was looking at the car and the guy blasting the music.....
Is it right to TELL someone what they were thinking?
RMG
Last edited by RMG77739; 12/03/0801:36 PM.
"The bad things in life open your eyes to the good things you weren't paying attention to before." from "Good Will Hunting"
heck no. This could get really ugly if not addressed now. Even if you were looking she had no right to act that way. Maybe she didn't heal from her experience with the x and is coming with lots of baggage. look up for Imago therapy/counseling, it's supposed to be best, it will teach her quite a bit.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Her ex probably lied to her so much about what he was doing that it's hard for her to believe you at face value now.
I think it might be helpful to give her some empathy, and then stick to your boundaries. If you stay strong, she will feel safe and be able to trust you.
How about you drop trying to apply RIGHT and WRONG labels to this?
W hurts and the thing to do is to extend compassion.
You both got into a new R and a new M way too early. Changing partners doesn't change the issues. You both still have to work out your old issues from your XMs. You still aren't over your XW. It seems to me that gives NewW good reason to feel insecure. Her insecurity is emerging through her OWN issues. Try not to make her issues about you.
It seems to me that you are being rather withholding with W because you are personalizing this. You KNOW she is insecure about this because of her history (probably combined with the ambivalence you feel toward XW that she senses). Can you step back to an objective place and respond to her pain and fear without making it about you? How about some comfort and reassurance for W? "W, I'm so sorry that scared you. I love you so much and I want you to feel secure in my love and desire for you. You are the one for me, you are beautiful, sexy, and I find I really don't have a wandering eye at all. I can see why that kind of thing made you nervous, but remember, this is me, not your XH. You will always be the one that captures my gaze and my heart."
Was being withholding ever a problem in your XM because of resentment toward your XW?
I ask because if you want this M to work, you are both going to have to work through your old issues. For instance, you have to come to grips with the fact that you leapt into a new R before you were adequately healed. As long as you remain in denial about that, it is going to continue to interfere in your M. I don't in any way mean to suggest that you want to reconcile with your XW, or that your new M is doomed because you didn't wait long enough to start a new R. I just mean that you have a TON of work to do and if you can't face it directly, it will eventually sabotage your new M.
Her ex probably lied to her so much about what he was doing that it's hard for her to believe you at face value now.
I think it might be helpful to give her some empathy, and then stick to your boundaries. If you stay strong, she will feel safe and be able to trust you.
WL,
Thanks for stopping by.... I think you are spot on there...
How are things in your world?
Take Care,
RMG
"The bad things in life open your eyes to the good things you weren't paying attention to before." from "Good Will Hunting"
I agree... Making one "right" and one wrong is not the very best approach... I have attempted to talk to her positively as you suggested.... It is just tough to get through to her.... It is frustrating for both of us....
Also, I agree... We both need to work on our issues.... The huge problem I have is she ALWAYS insists she is right no matter what.... It is very tiring....
Take Care,
RMG
"The bad things in life open your eyes to the good things you weren't paying attention to before." from "Good Will Hunting"
