Indulging my stylish side....

[shinybear]

Oh Sage...How can I do justice to 27 posts, such excellent stuff!!!!! Especially whilst running back and forth from the kitchen....

Oh, yes...the recency effect...major kudos to BOTH of you for that phone exchange. You know, Sage, I still do that kind of innocent-seeming, but still controlling or at least doubtful stuff....LIKE "you couldn't hear the phone ringing?" Same deal.

I'm so PROUD of you for calling him back AND I'm incredibly proud of him for how HE responded too! I really should try this as I think CJ would feel the same.


I'v gotta run, but there's definitely some gems I'm copying from here for MYSELF later tonight!



For followers of Sage who were in on the forgiveness discussion (BTW I concur with her on every point...scary sometimes, hon! )...check out my first post of today.

Later

Shiny

[nikatnight]

Sage,

I think you hit the nail on the head when you wrote:

I guess, in closing, the biggest change I've tried to make is to accept the fact that my h. is not under my control...that dropping expectations and ASSumptions, dropping the notion of SHOULD when it comes to him (he should be doing this, etc) that combined with appreciation and gratitude for his presence in my life...well, that's been a winning combo.

nik

[KutieKat]

i concur with the rest, you handled it just fine, and it seems he handled well also

kudos to both of you

remember the positives, dont dwell on the negatives, you are my hero!!!

kitti

[KutieKat]

sage, finally got back to catching up to your story, just finished the third thread. these are some points i wanted to keep from that thread:

An interesting thing Dr. Phil said the other day: That our capacity to trust hinges on really, only one thing: Knowing that WE WILL BE ALRIGHT, no matter what our S's do. In effect, the trust is not necessarily in THEM, but rather, in OURSELVES.

someone posted this in your thread, and it really hit home. i am dealing with the forgiveness issues pretty well, but i am having a hard time convincing myself that i will be able to trust again. hmmm, this point really hit home

It's always been hard for me to convey fears, concerns to H. w/o somehow leaving him with the impression that I was judging him and his actions.

oh gosh, i read myself in this statement. i have thought about the times my H and i would have conversations (albeit very FEW) about our R and it would always end up him getting very defensive and saying "it's always MY fault" type things. i never wanted him to feel that way, but now in looking back i must have given him that impression, the whole MOM thing. this is something i have been working on as well. trying NOT to act like a mom to him, but a friend. letting him make his own mistakes and learning from them.

Absolutely -- on good days, I can manage this unfinished business on my own. On not so good days, it's just absolutely astonishing to me that my H hasn't grabbed me and passionately told me that his A. is over and that he's unbelievably sorry for the pain that it caused. On REALLY not so good days, I wind myself up into thinking that the reason that he hasn't done it is because it's NOT over.

what? we cannot expect these words from our S? LOL - ok ok, i am down with that ... ok kitti, let's not live in a fantasy world

Acorn wrote: I can tell you what I'd like. I'd like to plan a time with my H when we are going to put the A behind us. I would like for him to answer a few questions, tell me that it is over and all contact has stopped, that he is committed to our M and monogamy--including no emotional affairs. I would like to come up with a plan for what to do if either of us starts having thoughts of straying. Including, telling the other person immediately, counseling. I would then like to forgive him, promise not to throw the A in his face, and ask to be able to ask for reasurrance when I need it in a way that won't be accusatory--a simple "everything OK?" occassionally, maybe. Then, say vows to each other, and go out and buy a special item to celebrate letting go of the past and valuing a future trusting loving R.

i think this is gonna be a goal of mine, oh don't get me wrong, i am gonna rewrite it to fit my likes but this is wonderful. whoever acorn is, thanks

Well, this morning as I was driving into work, I had the realization that "I will not invite infidelity into my life. I will have a relationship that is entirely faithful."

touche woman, touche - another motto for me.

you are remarkable. i love following your sitch. i swear we have H that were separated at birth

kitti

[shinybear]

HI Sage, Hi Kewlkitti!

I may just get over to your thread one of these days kk! I do have a little time off work now.

That Dr. Phil quote was courtesy of yours truly, I believe!

Shiny

P.S. thanks for pulling up gems from the past...nice to see this stuff again, huh Sage?

[KutieKat]

hey sage

just spent almost TWO HOURS reading your 4th thread, wow, what a lot to digest

the underlying theme i gathered from this thread is that this whole "piecing" thing is not easy. it seems to be a bigger rollercoaster than the actual "post bomb" period

oi vea - lots to digest here. i noticed a lot of bad pma days, something i am having today. out of nowhere it comes to haunt me once again

i didn't get much sleep last night, and i don't function well under the no sleep premise

ugh, looking forward to your next thread

kitti

[sage]

Cripes, Sage, I'm sorry! Have you forgiven your folks or are you still trying to deal with their foolish decisions/comments?

The never-ending question...

Strangely enough, I never overtly harbored anger at my father for what he did...all of my anger was directed at my mother....it was only when I went to therapy after finding out about h's a that I realized how much unspoken anger and hurt I had towards my dad...primarily for not protecting us from my mom...for "choosing" ow over me...I'm honestly not sure WHERE I am in that process right now...I've haven't been going to therapy that often lately -- been feeling like I needed a break.

As for mom, well, we've always had a stormy relationship...and I feel like I've tried many times over the last 2 decades to develop a more positive one with her...of course, I've spent far too much time thinking that she should change...I suppose I should DB with her!

But, actually, a few months before I found proof of h's a, I went out to lunch with mom..I wanted to understand her m and our relationship better. During that lunch she told me that she has been having an affair with a married man for a few years....she gave ALL the OW justification -- it's primarily the w's fault when the h strays (remember, this is a woman whose h -- my dad -- cheated on!), his wife must not care since she most certainly knows and hasn't done anything (note that OM and his wife have been married for 40+ years...), etc.

I'm sure it's not healthy and I'm sure it's based on the wrong reasons (as the BS) but I decided at that lunch that I just can't pursue a real r. with my mom at this time...she doesn't know about my h...(and never will!) but the simple truth is that I cannot deal with her justifications and lies.

From my perspective, I have (I think) forgiven my folks because I realize they were so lost in their own pain, they failed to see the affect it was having on everyone else around them. Although, to this day, they still behave foolishly...but that's because they choose to continue to repeat their painful patterns. I'm convinced they will die unhappy.

This seems wise.

I'm not sure where my forgiveness quest will end up...right now I must admit I'm focusing on me and my m instead of mom and dad. That feels ok.

Sage

[sage]

you are remarkable. i love following your sitch. i swear we have H that were separated at birth

kitti

You have no idea how badly I needed to hear that today!

And yes, shiny, it's too cool to see the stuff from the past -- it amazes the gems that DO exist on my thread -- SO MANY from my wonderful BB friends!

Sage

[sage]

Hey friends,

Didn't have a chance to post this weekend and our internet at work has been down all day! I only have a few minutes before I head home...I think I'll get on later tonight to catch up with you all!

This weekend was a good one..lots of positives...time spent together, NO fallout from my doubting/apology (well, except positive reinforcement from h!), lots of ILYs, hugs, kisses, etc. H starting making plans for a vacation to NYC in December(!), read to me from his law books, books for fun, etc.

Today, though, I let myself get embroiled in insecurity and doubt...I couldn't get on the boards to get to you guys!!! I think it was some residual ow crap from last week plus h starting law school tonight (stupid, stupid "he's going to meet someone there and fall in love with them"), then h was gone for hours around lunch time today....I made myself SUCH A BASKETCASE. When I finally talked with him he was SO loving, so excited to speak with me!

Here's another reason why I think I'm such a mess today...

Found out yesterday that one of the couples in the "social circle" has separated. I didn't know them particularly well (just getting together 3-4 times a year) but it totally freaked me out. When I told h...I SO wanted him to take me in his arms and say "I'm so glad we dodged that bullet". (he didn't)

Can you say EXPECTATIONS?

Heck, can you say ASSUMPTIONS (my modus operandi today)?

Can you say "not giving h the space to be who he is"?

The GOOD news is that my mini-meltdown was not visible to the naked eye.

I am so irked at me!!!!

But I'll forgive myself!

Thanks for listening

Sage

[Mfl]

Hi Sage

thank you for your continued visits, support and advise to my thread. I can't express my gratitude enough - I can't find the words I find it difficult to figure out my feelings, form them into thoughts and translate then into plans and actions. Often the words you write make me go "Bingo!" in my head. You express yourself wonderfully with words in a way I never could, so forgive me if you ever read your own exact words in my convos with my H. (hey, is it plagerism if I don't reference you in the convo )

I regularly read your thread but do not post as sometimes I am in awe of how remarkable you are. I just think you are great. You have dealt/are dealing with so much yourself and still you give to others here on the BB.