Guess I'm a bit confused on your sitch. Last I heard, your wife was cavorting around with OM, leaving used condoms in the trash for you to find.
It was my understanding that you were going to make a stand here... detach from her and go dark. Tell her clearly that you won't be around her if she is still with OM.
Yet now you are going on a date with wife? What's up? Did she suddenly renounce OM and I missed it?
Bringing roses to dates is not a recommended way to detach.
My thread, Carpe Diem #4 Orig Thread: Carpe Diem #1
LOL This date was planned before the OM sit came up. I have been debating what to do about it. W knows how I feel about OM. I have all but stopped going out to the house. Can't stand the way it makes me feel. Stopped doing everything around there for her.Stopped paying any of the bills. No flowers in the bath room, no more laundry, dishes house cleaning, yard work etc. If she wants that she knows what to do to get it back. I told her that I can't wait around forever for her to make up her mind and that I need to move on. She knows I still want to work on 'us' but I need the space now. The date thing comes from out caoch. We have had a deal that we date each other twice a week. Had gone pretty well up until three weeks ago. I refused to go out the past two weeks. She asked me out, first time she has taken the lead, so I thougth I would go and just have a nice time. The date went well. she even insited on paying for the movie, then she asked if I wanted to go to the gym with her. No conflict so far so what the heck. Had fun there got a great workout as I was able to take my pent up feelings from the whole night and let them out in a productive way. she just thought I was in great shape:) One funny thing I did was have Christmas music playing in the car CD player. Not me at all!!! She picked up on that and asked what I was doing listening to this. Told her its my way of keeping a PMA, and its something different for me. She told me it freaked her out. I love mystery, she has now clue what to think. As long as she asks me out I will go. As long as OM is in the picture I refuse to do anything for her. If she figures out she wants to start putting more effort into 'us' and boot OM I am willing to do more for her, a little at a time. I know I should put my foot down harder but for me this is my baby step getting to the big one. So that kind of sums it up. I am hoping that my changes and GAL will help her want to be with me agian and drop OM. I know the past few days have got her thinking and doesn't know what to expect from me. Everytime I have seen her in past three weeks I have been dressed in new clothes, not my usual denim pants and t-shrt. She even mentioned that she was perplexed by how nice I have been dressing. Told her got to look good for the ladies:)
Well, just so you know, there are some veterans on this forum who are very, very hardcore about how you treat WAW when they have an OM. Go over and check out 'A in Ohio''s thread and see the posts from Puppy, Pheonixduex and Little Engine.
But I am a bit more moderate. If she reached out to you and you're interactions are positive, then perhaps it is OK as a starting point. But at some point you are going to need to make it clear to her that it is you or the OM, not both.
If you wait too long to confront her on this topic, you are just setting yourself up for hurt. When you force her to chose, she may very well choose OM. And then you will have gotten your hopes up while she was just enjoying the chance to have you both.
Good luck my friend.
My thread, Carpe Diem #4 Orig Thread: Carpe Diem #1
techguy. I lean toward the middle on this. I know that I need to call her on the OM thing but not sure I am ready to hear the answer if it doesn't go my way. Hopefully soon. Last night was as if she was reaching out. Something I haven't seen in a long time so I took her up on it. I will go check those others post, always looking for ideas. thanks again B
W called me late tonight, 1130, to tell me good night. Not out of norm for call, out of norm for time. I stayed calm and was pleasant with her but could shake the feeling that she was calling so late because OM had been with her. I don't know why I let that get to me so bad. My gut starts to fire up, heart starts beating out of my chest and I breath fire. I need to learn to at least let this be a smoldering feeling not a full blown burner. Whe was very happy, giggled a few times when I made a few jokes. Told me she had thought about me when she got home today. in my mind "hey om look how hard b is trying to win me back, lets go do it on his side of the bed". Not helping the burn. But at the same time she didn't rush to get off the phone or act like she wanted to say bood bye. There were several silent moments where I wondered what was going through her head. It was like those, said this before, when you are dating and those silent moments are just time spent together. Make sense? I finally said that I needed to get some paper work done before I could go to bed. Not true but needed an out. We hung up and for soom reason the emotion of the past few days blew up. I am learning that I have a lot more tear production now then I ever did as a shild. Shouldn't it be the other way a round! I haven't had a good bawling session for a long time. I am sure I read into way to much of our talks. I can her in her that she does still care, I can hear the guilt in her when she has been around OM, I here that she does still care, I here that she this she that......... These are the times it is very hard not to break down and plead my case with her, pursue if you will. I have never done anything in my life so backward feeling as this. Maybe thats why I struggle with doing the concepts. On paper it all makes sense but whe trying to apply this feels so backwards of what you want to do. UGH.
I hear you... it all seems so backwards. One of my 180s is learning to feel one way and act another. Sounds like you are doing an amazing job on that already. Way to go... and I'm happy to hear that your W is calling you, not the other way around. That's my latest goal... not calling my H but waiting for him to call.
Today is a new chapter. Knew this was coming soon but it still stabs at the heart. The final, jugde signed, divorce papers were in my mail today. Feel like somebody kicked me in the groin and yanked my heart out. Feel like I am kidding myself about us getting back together. Know its not the end of the world but for today the world has stood still.
But, there are plenty of people on this site still DBing and fighting for reconciliation after divorce. In fact, there is an entire forum here dedicated to that topic. Check it out. I am sure there are folks there who can help lift your spirits.
Also, I read on another post that the D is just business and that youshould try to think of it as just that.
Its been a few days so I thought I would add something. Not much has changed, gone on in my sitch but I did have a very humbling experience last nite. while not DB related it was a good lesson for me. We had a house fire last night, always seems more sad this time of year. Anyway a young single mother @25 and her very young infant were able to escape the fire. Their hous and all tis contents were destroyed. While we were cleaning up 3:30am, a lady walked up to us and asked if she could give this young family some money. She wanted to be a secret friend. She gave us $1,000 cash to give to these people. Talk about random act of kindness. This lady is my hero. Giving of herself to people she didn't even know. Atrue angel. Makes me think that what ever pain I am going through and what I feel my troubles are there is always somebody more in need than I of smpathy. I'm out to GAL tonight. My works Christmas party for my platoon. Going to have a great time and no contact with now XW. Taking me a lot of effort not to call or txt her. She did let me know she has been having a couple of bad days. Even called last night to say good night even though she said she ddin't want to talk. Up and down where we stop nobody knows.
Thanks for sharing that story, it really is uplifting to hear those things. I like thinking the best of people and that woman and her kindness is a good reason to keep doing so.
Glad you are getting out to have fun, it truly helps. Kepp posting and talking with people here.
