My wife and I have been seeing the same C, but seperately. I've really enjoyed this approach and can recommend it. This is something that MWD recommends herself. Here is a copy of a post MWD made somewhere on this board: (lost the location)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I do a great deal of training for marriage therapists. I teach them that it is a cardinal sin to continue to see 2 people who have divergent goals for their marriage conjointly precisely for the reasons you're suggesting. Let me explain.
If the therapist sees both spouses together and they disagree about the future of their marriage, over time their disagreements and differences will become even greater. Here's why. When therapy begins, the therapist wants to know what the goal is. Person A states s/he wants to stay married and offers reasons for this position. Person B, hearing this, feels the need to let the therapist know about his or her ambivalence about the marriage and offers a somewhat negative view of things. When Person A hears this perspective, s/he counters by sharing positive memories or thoughts about the marriage, which triggers person B to dredge up even more pessimistic thoughts and feelings. By the end of the session, or several sessions, things escalate to the point of the couple being completely polarized, even more so than when they started!
There's a better way. I see spouses separately. This way, I can help the pro-marriage person strategize about a better, more effective way to try to turn things around IN THE ABSENCE OF THE OTHER SPOUSE. I can give the reluctant partner time to voice concerns or negative feelings about the marriage and make sure this spouse feels heard and understood. Once people truly feel understood, they often give themselves permission to look at things with more of an open mind. Reluctant spouses when seen alone often tell me, "Well, things aren't that bad, but I didn't want to say this before in his/her presence because I didn't want him/her to get his/her hopes up."
But the fact of the matter is that once the words have been uttered- "Things aren't that bad," the dye is cast. It's a good thing. I thank this spouse for his/her honesty and send the person home focusing on some individually-oriented goal. We work toward saving the marriage slowly and subtly.
The long and the short of it is that you can't talk "honestly" about your feelings in therapy if your spouse has half a foot out the door. It doesn't work.
So check-out how MWD talks about 'divergent goals' in her first paragraph. That relates directly to what Beth was saying about stages of R. It's not until the third stage that you both finally get the same goal (to reconcile). In the first two stages you have different goals. So you need to see the C seperately.
So, as MWD notes, my C helps me 'strategize' about a better, more effective way to turn things around. He tells me things to do or say that he would never be able to say in front of my wife.
There is still alot of value in seeing the same C, even if it is seperate. He can't tell me things W says for confidentiality reasons. But he can <use> that knowledge when he suggests things for me to say or do. So it is very valuable.
My thread, Carpe Diem #4 Orig Thread: Carpe Diem #1
