sage, finally got back to catching up to your story, just finished the third thread. these are some points i wanted to keep from that thread:
Quote: An interesting thing Dr. Phil said the other day: That our capacity to trust hinges on really, only one thing: Knowing that WE WILL BE ALRIGHT, no matter what our S's do. In effect, the trust is not necessarily in THEM, but rather, in OURSELVES.
someone posted this in your thread, and it really hit home. i am dealing with the forgiveness issues pretty well, but i am having a hard time convincing myself that i will be able to trust again. hmmm, this point really hit home
Quote: It's always been hard for me to convey fears, concerns to H. w/o somehow leaving him with the impression that I was judging him and his actions.
oh gosh, i read myself in this statement. i have thought about the times my H and i would have conversations (albeit very FEW) about our R and it would always end up him getting very defensive and saying "it's always MY fault" type things. i never wanted him to feel that way, but now in looking back i must have given him that impression, the whole MOM thing. this is something i have been working on as well. trying NOT to act like a mom to him, but a friend. letting him make his own mistakes and learning from them.
Quote: Absolutely -- on good days, I can manage this unfinished business on my own. On not so good days, it's just absolutely astonishing to me that my H hasn't grabbed me and passionately told me that his A. is over and that he's unbelievably sorry for the pain that it caused. On REALLY not so good days, I wind myself up into thinking that the reason that he hasn't done it is because it's NOT over.
what? we cannot expect these words from our S? LOL - ok ok, i am down with that ... ok kitti, let's not live in a fantasy world
Quote: Acorn wrote: I can tell you what I'd like. I'd like to plan a time with my H when we are going to put the A behind us. I would like for him to answer a few questions, tell me that it is over and all contact has stopped, that he is committed to our M and monogamy--including no emotional affairs. I would like to come up with a plan for what to do if either of us starts having thoughts of straying. Including, telling the other person immediately, counseling. I would then like to forgive him, promise not to throw the A in his face, and ask to be able to ask for reasurrance when I need it in a way that won't be accusatory--a simple "everything OK?" occassionally, maybe. Then, say vows to each other, and go out and buy a special item to celebrate letting go of the past and valuing a future trusting loving R.
i think this is gonna be a goal of mine, oh don't get me wrong, i am gonna rewrite it to fit my likes but this is wonderful. whoever acorn is, thanks
Quote: Well, this morning as I was driving into work, I had the realization that "I will not invite infidelity into my life. I will have a relationship that is entirely faithful."
touche woman, touche - another motto for me.
you are remarkable. i love following your sitch. i swear we have H that were separated at birth
