Quoting jethro: Can I assume your parents are D'd, and thus you have fears of abandonment, and need to control your environment since you had no control when you were younger? This is my personal dynamic.
jethro --
Parents divorced after a decade of sitting us down every single year and telling us that they were getting a divorce...(that's why one of my hotbuttons is when people get their kids involved when they themselves aren't sure what's going on!)...they'd go thru a few weeks of making selling house, etc, arrangements and then change their minds...
the divorce was super, duper ugly. dad had ow, mom paraded the entire divorce proceedings in front of us, dad and mom had "anti-custody" battles ("I don't want them, you take them", "well, I don't want them either"). Mom had a nervous breakdown. she checked herself into the hospital after threatening my sister and me with a knife one night. Dad was too busy hanging out with ow to come over when I called him.
Ah, well, more than you wanted to know...but a good reminder for me that I've come a long way, baby!
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Cripes, Sage, I'm sorry! Have you forgiven your folks or are you still trying to deal with their foolish decisions/comments?
From my perspective, I have (I think) forgiven my folks because I realize they were so lost in their own pain, they failed to see the affect it was having on everyone else around them. Although, to this day, they still behave foolishly...but that's because they choose to continue to repeat their painful patterns. I'm convinced they will die unhappy.
Quote: Kitti -- h is 36. He'll be going part time (ha! Have you looked at a law school schedule? Part time is like full time with 1 class missing!). It'll take 4 years...slightly less if he goes during the summer.
hmmm, so realistically he wont start "lawyering" until 40? kewlness!!! i might have hubby look into this
Quote: Your sitch reminds me a lot (!!!) of mine. I have a feeling we'll be seeing you over in Piecing in the not too distant future!
oh gosh, i hope your right sage, you would know eh? if you see the similarities and you can see hope, well then, i am gonna add that to my pma bank and HOLD IT!!!
Quote: I made the decision early on to forgive my husband but it hasn't been a black and white process...I find that forgiving him (and frankly, myself) has been an ongoing thing...I'll strip away layers of resentment and anger and plateau and coast for a while...and then something will happen that will result in an unforgiving thought popping up in my head and I'll realize that I still have a ways to go....
ok, in my sitch, i SHOCKED myself when i told my H the day he dropped the bomb that "we could work this out" - in essense i was telling him "i can forgive you" - but i didn't realize at the time that i gave him NO hope to assume that was even true based on earlier experiences. now, i really feel i am on the road to forgiveness mainly because i don't feel that ACHE whenever i think about the sitch. i just ALWAYS am thinking about how i can make our R better. how i can SHOW him that i know i have contributed to the pain he had and how i am CHANGING for the better. every once in a while i think about them "doing it" or something - and i get this knot in my stomach, but i have learned how to apply the STOP sign and not focus on it.
Quote: does that make sense?
by all means yes
Quote: It IS funny that this should come up now because JUST this morning I realized that I am able to view h. as a wonderful man who did a not wonderful thing. This actually felt like a big thing to me.
it is quite funny, because in all the research i have done about this, it seems that you just wake up one morning with PEACE about the situation and then you know forgiveness has taken place. maybe you are there???
Quote: As for what h knows or doesn't...I have told him a couple of times that I did not think that the a. was unforgivable...that I thought our m. could survive it. I don't know if I've actually said "I've forgiven you".
that is what i needed to know. my next question is then - do you think he knows???
Quote: My h and I don't actually talk much about our R. The few R talks we've had since the bomb have been poorly timed and have actually caused some backsliding. I think we're still very much in the "strengthening" phase...eventually I think (and hope) that we'll figure out positive ways to talk about stuff but I don't think we'll ever be big talkers as far as the r. goes.
all the more reason i should just keep my mouth SHUT - and let the positives KEEP happening and bide my time - maybe we will NEVER talk about our R but maybe we don't need to either
thanks so much sage for insight and taking the time to answer questions
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now sage, i sit here and i am in tears about your family sitch. that was so unkind of your folks to involve you and your siblings in the uglyness of divorce. that is one of the FOREMOST reasons i hang on, i don't want the kids to suffer. i will sacrafice ANYTHING for my kids. my folks were divorced when i was three, but that wasn't hard, it was growing up with constantly hearing "your father is such a jerk - he never sends child support, he is nothing but trash, yada yada yada" and this from my sister and my mother. ugh - no wonder my distrust in men eh??? {{{sage}}}
So...I just tried something a little different ... we'll see how it goes....comments from you all?
The day I found out about the a was a friday...I called h from work around 1pm and he wasn't home...I knew with every fiber of my being that he was with her ... it was the weirdest physical reaction I've ever had...I found out that night that they had been together then...the rest is history.
Well, since that time, I've rarely called h from work. It was too reminiscent of that day...well, today (Friday), I called him to tell him that I had made a vet appt for the kittens...he didn't answer so I left a message.
I tested how I was feeling...a bit anxious and fearful but not overwhelming. He called and said that he had been folding laundry in the bedroom and hadn't heard the phone. I said "oh, I thought that phone in the bedroom was hooked up". I didn't say it bitchy but it was doubting and controlling and BEHIND it was all the fear and worry I have.
we had an ok conversation after that but after we got off the phone I felt crappy. So..I called him back.
I told him that I was calling to apologize. That my comment about the phone had been doubting and controlling. That sometimes I still struggle with fear and doubt and that the situation of calling him on a Friday and not having him answer had stirred some of that up. I said that it didn't happen all the time but it still sometimes did and that I was sorry.
He was silent. Then said "ok". I said "well, see you later". He said "it makes me feel really good that you called to tell me that. Even though I didn't know what you were doing with that comment."
okey-dokey.
Taking him at his word, letting him know I was sorry and for freaking out a bit was ok.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
I think you handled it great. What I liked maybe even better was the way your H handled it. He could have gotten irritated that you brought up the subject or could have just felt uncomfortable and not responded in a helpful way. Instead he gracefully accepted your apology and made you feel OK about it. He's come a long way, baby.
I think you handled it great. What I liked maybe even better was the way your H handled it. He could have gotten irritated that you brought up the subject or could have just felt uncomfortable and not responded in a helpful way. Instead he gracefully accepted your apology and made you feel OK about it. He's come a long way, baby.
Brian
Ain't that the truth!!!
Thank you for reminding me of that.
H's response was positive and supportive and open and ...
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Isn't it amazing how our thoughts and feelings can cause such physical experiences?
I concur with the other posters, I think you handled it fine. My only advice is not to bring it up again - you apologized, fortunately he understood and accepted - now you move on without raising that instance again (just my 2 cents).
And it certainly sounds like the two of you are doing real well together. Enjoy!
