It does take time to get there. The funny thing is, that it seems that many guys start wanting to be more like sensitive girls. The man the cheating wife is with is not all feminine and sensitive. It's good to be a listener...but not a doormat. As Puppy said (or was it Gucci?), you make the changes in yourself, for yourself, without giving up your self-esteem. I think it's quite all right to feel, "know what...I feel good about myself. I don't have to give chase. If she doesn't accept the person I've worked to be, then it's her loss."
The sad thing is, that American society starts conditioning our boys from a very early age NOT to display masculine traits. "Tag" has been replaced at recess by inane games like "Circle of Friends," because it was said that "tag" "promoted stalking behavior." If I kiss little Martha Smith at recess in kindergarten (and I did!), today I'd get expelled for "sexual harrassment." Boys are told to "Calm down!" and doped up on Ritalin and other medications, and taught to become more like girls.
In the '70s and '80s, women said they wanted a man more like Alan Alda and Phil Donahue. In the 1990s, they started to realize that -- now that they had him -- he wasn't sexually attractive to them.
Women have proven over and over and over and over again throughtout the history of man....
They are ATTRACTED to confident, strong, funny, men who have a BACKBONE and are decisive..........
And YET.... Are sensitive to HER needs... (notice I didn't say is a "sensitive man")......
Sensitive to her needs is a man who is .. thoughtful...(Let me carry that honey........ Here is the remote honey.. turn on whatever you would like..(all the while he knows there is a big game coming on).......
strong... (don't worry honey... I can handle it)...
wise......... ( yes... you are right honey... I did say that in a demeaning tone and I am sorry....
One of the smartest things I have ever learned in my relationship with my wonderful wife is this....
Yes honey... You are RIGHT..... (then shut up)
I find it fascinating when I tell her that she is right (and she usually is right) or how sometimes I am a "know it all".
she almost always comes back and says..."yea, but you are MY know it all"......
Learning to say to her "you are right" has been one of the biggest things that have helped me in many many years of studying women....... It took the pressure off of me..I have found that most all people like to be told.. "you are right"..
I hope some of you will give it a try and watch and observe how well it really does work....
"you are right"... be sincere....(then shut up and happily change the subject or go on about your business)
And listen to Puppy.. He really DOES get it and I can assure you that his advice and advice like his will be one of the smartest things you can do....
Once you GET it.... You won't go back to the old tire unsuccessful ways that don't work anyway...
I'd suggest everyone start by eliminating the "Dumb-Ass Male" acronym from their online vocabulary. It's demeaning.
Amen....I willingly admit to being an a$$hole to my wife over the years...pri*k, bast**d...take your pick...I was one at one time or another. The husbands in the AWAW threads?? They are me...without the abuse and infidelity, though.
But...please do not call me a Dumb-Ass.
Hey...how about "Smart-Ass Male"...no that probably wouldn't work either, eh??
The sad thing is, that American society starts conditioning our boys from a very early age NOT to display masculine traits. "Tag" has been replaced at recess by inane games like "Circle of Friends," because it was said that "tag" "promoted stalking behavior." If I kiss little Martha Smith at recess in kindergarten (and I did!), today I'd get expelled for "sexual harrassment." Boys are told to "Calm down!" and doped up on Ritalin and other medications, and taught to become more like girls.
In the '70s and '80s, women said they wanted a man more like Alan Alda and Phil Donahue. In the 1990s, they started to realize that -- now that they had him -- he wasn't sexually attractive to them.
PDT,
You're onto something here...most things "masculine" are discouraged and sometimes out-and-out banned. Society on the whole has become less masculine. The political correctness movement; the rampant use of litigation when things go wrong; the elevation of the wants (not needs) of children over adults. Indeed, 30 or 40 years ago, the OP in many of these situations would have had their a$$es kicked for messing with someone else's wife and family. Men from the old-school, like my dad, are completely baffled over how men behave today than in the past (and I'm not arguing for the return of sexism or racism); just that many men from our generation have sacrificed their masculinity once they got married and started a family.
I also believe that concurrently we, as a society, have coddled our children too much so that they come to expect that all of their wants will be fulfilled. This carries over into adulthood. Unfortunately, live does not work this way. And neither do marriages. Speaking from my situation, both of these dynamics were at play. I moved away from being a "man" and my W was/is used to getting her way ASAP.
I have personally noticed many (5+) marriages of acquaintances and friends falling apart because the WOMEN in them are unhappy. There is no abuse; no abdicating of financial responsibility; and no lack of involvement in their kids' lives...
Me: 39 W: 37 M: 15 S 14; S 10; D 3.5 A: ? - 8/28/08 (same day I filed for D) My Story
I know this thread is for the guys, but i wanted to chime in. On the DAM thing--I did it at first, too, but a month or so ago, i had an epiphany about it. talk about creating a self-fulfilling prophesy! How can we ever expect a man to change if we continually belittle him and denigrate him, simply because he is a man? I also stopped referring to my DH (darling husband) as just my H. He is still my DH, just not acting like it right now.
Speak what you want out into the universe. IF you speak negative, you will get negative back--it is inevitable, as that is what we condition our minds to. I am working on only speaking positives so I can reap the benefits of the PMA I get from it, as well as the blessings it brings into my life.
SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
