Good questions. My goal was to try something different because it was starting to drive me crazy that he was not contacting me.
As for expectations, I truly did not have any. I did hope that he would reply and he did, so in that sense, my goal was accomplished. The problem is that I want what I cannot have, a good step in the direction of reconciliation right now. That is part of the reason I always want to interpret actions.
I get confused with this process, I really do. The DR book says experiment and see what happens. So, don't we have to interpret the results of the experiment? Also, I really try, I swear I do but I cannot understand how letting go will help me keep my hope alive. I am afraid if I let go, then he just keeps drifting further and further away.
Another thing I find confusing, the DR book says that we can change others, that we do it all the time. If we change how we behave, they may change how they react. Yet we tell each other on this board that we can only change ourselves. My hope is that an email like this, which is a 180 for me in that it shows my strength rather than my neediness, brings about that sort of change MWD talks about.
I suppose what I am trying to say is that I was unhappy with the status quo, and wanted to send H a message that I am resilient. I think it is far too hopeful to think it would bring about an immediate proclamation from him of his love for me, but I do hope that I have planted a seed for him that helps him feel more comfortable being around me.
The DB coach said the first stage is all about creating a neutral guilt-free zone between the couple. That the WAS feels very guilty for the pain he caused. The more I can neutralize the guilt, the more comfortable he will hopefully feel in being around me.
Thank you so much for always trying to help me. You probably start to think I am a seriously remedial student. I am not so sure I am as tough as you think, but I am trying to hold on.
Also, I know you have it rough, so I thank you for your willingness to listen to me being upset about my sitch when all you would like at this point is a response.
