{{Mules}} I agree that you were right on what you told your son..no one, not even us, should try to dictate what is in their hearts and minds to write about..and we shouldn't try to snuff out their creativity
Hugs to you!
Tawnya
Thanks Tawnya! Absolutely. Can't say that I am surprised though. Thanks for always checking in here - hope you are well.
Hugs back at you.
M 43 W 44 M 17 T 22 S16,12,9 Bomb 2/05/08 I served her 1/06/09 S'd 3/15/09 D'd 12/21/09
"Tough times don't last, tough people do." --My Dad to me years ago, me to my boys now.
Journal - Ok - last night we take the kids to family counseling for the first time. It's the first time me and my W have ridden in the same car since August. Felt strange. We get there and it was clear to me that W had filled therapist into her side of the story. Kids were very quiet.
Therapist asked me what my expectations were. I told her that I didn't have expectations, that this whole thing came out of left field and that my only concern was for the well being of the kids. I told her that I think they are suffering already from low self esteem, lack of confidence and are sad. It has affected all their activities and school work as none of them are at the same level they were at pre-bomb.
The therapist then met with the boys for about 20 minutes and called us back in alone. She told us that the good news is that they don't blame anyone for this and seem ok. She then described the interaction.
She then asked again how each of us feel this is going to work. My w said that this has been building for a long time and that she has been unhappy for a long time and finally built the courage to do something about it and that it didn't come out of left field at all. She said that we alternate days on the weekends with the kids.
When it was my turn - I said that if this was building for a long time and she said nothing but just acted out then to me it obviously did come out of left field because it was the first I was hearing of it. I then told the therapist I have issues with a lot that has been said. First, I don't want a divorce and I don't believe in divorce (W had insinuated this was a mutual decision). I said that I was blindsided by W's decision to leave the marriage. I then turned to W and asked when was the last weekend day that she spent alone with the kids. She then reiterated that we split it. I laughed and said by my calculation the last time she did something alone with the boys on a weekend was September. She said that she went to ONE of our sons' games this weekend and helped in the kitchen at the game. She said she does what she's SUPPOSED to do. I said that is the difference between us - I went to ALL of our sons' games this weekend because I WANT to and don't look at it as an obligation.
I then asked her what she did with the kids during this weekend after she spent 3 hours with them on Thanksgiving. She then says that the reason she doesn't do anything with them is becuase I am always around and don't have anything else. And if I'm around they won't want to spend time with her.
Well I had to laugh again. I then reminded her that she had said that she was going to take the kids on Sunday, but when she got up she decided that S7's game was too far away, so she decided to go to the gym and shopping instead. Me being in the house had nothing to do with that decision. I then also said that I have plenty of things I could do, but my first choice is to spend time with my family. It's my favorite thing to do.
I also couldn't help myself - I then told her that this entire hold up was on her end. I know that her lawyer has been sick but if this is such torture for her why couldn't she work through her associate or get another lawyer. I told her it was time sh!t or get off the pot.
When we got home I got a call on my cell from a friend. While I was on she was screaming at the kids about something. A pretty drastic change from the all good mother show she put on in the therapist's office. I don't know - I may be reaching the end of my rope.
On a side note - my SIL called me and said she has been talking with my W the last few weeks. She apologized to me and said that she can't believe her and the way she is treating me and the kids. She said from now on she can't support her at all. She doesn't even like her any more. She said Thanksgiving was a disaster without me there. She then asked if I would please come to the holidays from now on even if it means my W won't come. She said it was clear to her and her parents that she didn't want to be there and got out as fast as she could. She said my W ruined their entire day.
I have to admit - she always keeps it interesting.
M 43 W 44 M 17 T 22 S16,12,9 Bomb 2/05/08 I served her 1/06/09 S'd 3/15/09 D'd 12/21/09
"Tough times don't last, tough people do." --My Dad to me years ago, me to my boys now.
I'm proud of you. You stood up for yourself at the counselor's office and told it like it really was. Your wife is really turning out to be a piece of work....I feel bad for both of you (although mainly you). You sound good though. Your kids will appreciate the efforts you've made and because of you may get through this well-adjusted.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
I'm proud of you. You stood up for yourself at the counselor's office and told it like it really was. Your wife is really turning out to be a piece of work....I feel bad for both of you (although mainly you). You sound good though. Your kids will appreciate the efforts you've made and because of you may get through this well-adjusted.
Thanks Phoenix - you just reminded of one other thing she also said. She said we need to stop bickering because I am just bitter. I told her that I don't pretend to know what she's thinking so I would appreciate it if she stopped trying to tell me what I was thinking.
Phoenix - the person I married is gone. There is no part of her that is still there. Even her family is saying the same thing. I know what they mean. I don't like her either. Not like this.
M 43 W 44 M 17 T 22 S16,12,9 Bomb 2/05/08 I served her 1/06/09 S'd 3/15/09 D'd 12/21/09
"Tough times don't last, tough people do." --My Dad to me years ago, me to my boys now.
You handled that really well, Mules. I too am really glad you stood up for yourself, and for the TRUTH.
Please take care of those kids. Your wife worries me.
Puppy
Thanks Puppy - That's all I do now. I love what you wrote to me last week - Fall o the Princess.
It's hitting home to me because everyone who is finding out is coming to me in disbelief saying that I treated her like gold. Well, not my problem anymore.
M 43 W 44 M 17 T 22 S16,12,9 Bomb 2/05/08 I served her 1/06/09 S'd 3/15/09 D'd 12/21/09
"Tough times don't last, tough people do." --My Dad to me years ago, me to my boys now.
{{{Mules}}} Ditto to what the guys said..you stood up for yourself and SHE knows how she is acting and the kids, I am sure, really appreciate all that you do for them day in and day that and, at the end of the day, THAT is what makes the most difference
Tawnya
Me:39 H:40 D18/S12 M20/T21 Bomb 10/11/08 One Two Three Four
{{{Mules}}} Ditto to what the guys said..you stood up for yourself and SHE knows how she is acting and the kids, I am sure, really appreciate all that you do for them day in and day that and, at the end of the day, THAT is what makes the most difference
Tawnya
Thanks Tawnya! She is definitely seeing a different Mules. Not getting the vibe that she likes what she sees, but who cares - because I do.
M 43 W 44 M 17 T 22 S16,12,9 Bomb 2/05/08 I served her 1/06/09 S'd 3/15/09 D'd 12/21/09
"Tough times don't last, tough people do." --My Dad to me years ago, me to my boys now.
It will be interesting to see what the counselor has to say about the future, given the new perspective that you've given her. If she is a true professional, she hopefully withheld judgement on just what was taking place until having a chance to meet with you and hear your side. My guess is that what you had to say significantly changed the picture in the C's mind.
Your old wife is gone, and I know that you realize that already. The thing that no one knows is whether or not this will turn out to be a permanent change. It does seem as though many of the "cards" of life are stacked against her right now. I often longed for my ex-wife's family to be as honest about her as your in-laws have been about your wife.
I'm sorry that things have reached this point. Sorry for you and sorry for your children. There might even be a part of me that's a bit sorry for your wife too, because I know there will one day be incredible pain in her life thanks to the path she has chosen.
But it does appear as though it's time to, as you said, [censored] or get off the pot. It is always a bit curious to me how these spouses who undergo these life altering changes speak so strongly about things having been over for such a long period of time, yet they are so incredibly slow about actually pulling the trigger and embarking on this exciting new life they have in front of them.
Stay the course. You know that the most important things are, in this order...
the well being of your children and that they continue to grow into manhood knowing that they are loved, under the care of a man who can model for them integrity and honor.
YOUR well being and continued physical and emotional health. It's time to do what you need to do to protect your heart, your emotional health, and your physical well being. You may well be the only adult in these boys lives that they can depend upon.
You remain a dignified and honorable man despite the chaos that rages around you. You can be proud of that.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
