I think perhaps THE biggest misunderstanding about Michele's DBing principles is that you DB "to win them back." [b]You DB to win YOURSELF back, and hope that the "new you" that you create will have the added bonus of being attractive to your spouse.
Puppy,
Great point and made me think of something I read recently about the AA or AlAnon 12 step program metaphor story. Went something like this:
There was this island across the water that was called Paradise, where life was beautiful, perfect and serene. There was this amazing cruse ship that was ready to depart, full of lively passengers and fun and games. The ship was call "Therapy and Treatment". Then, there was a small group of looney people, ready to take off in an invisible boat to go to the same island.
When asked on what boat a passenger wanted to take, the choice was easy - the cruise ship. The ship loaded and took off, went about half way and then turned around. When the passenger questioned on why the ship turned around, the captain said that "Therapy and Treatment" only gets you half way. If you want to go all the way, you need to get in the invisible boat. The invisible boat was the "12 step program".
The passager went down to the looney group and they told the passenger, "hop in!" The passenger said, "I don't see any boat", they said, "hop in anyway". Then they said "grab an oar" - passenger said "I don't see one" - they said, "grab one anyway".
After a while the passenger started to see the boat and then the oars, and the boat meandered away. The group didn't know where they were going and they really didn't even care.
Like you Puppy, I am doing more for me, and less for my M and W. I'm starting to feel like I'm in the "invisible boat", and I don't know if I'll ever reach the destination that I thought I wanted, but I'm beginning to have a good time doing it.
PDT---great post. I shall endeavor to remove that from my Vocab. Cuz i sure as hell ain't dumb. a bachelor and masters degree can actually mean something. But i didn't get a mind-reading degree. altho i wish sometimes that i did.......
I tried to get one, but they wouldn't tell me where the classes were held. They said I was "just supposed to know."
To add onto gucci's post.... My W said the major "things" that brought her back to me were: I stopped being her friend, I stopped talking to her and I made a ton of changes to myself." None of this is a$$ kissing. All the a$$ kissing I did wasn't much help.
What did help is that I told her exactly how I felt. If I was thinking of her, I would tell her that. If I missed her, I would tell her that. It wasn't, "I miss you so much, I love you, I'm so sorry, I'm a dope".. It was, "Hey, I was just thinking about you. Hope your having a good day". This took a long time for me to figure out.
To add onto gucci's post.... My W said the major "things" that brought her back to me were: I stopped being her friend, I stopped talking to her and I made a ton of changes to myself." None of this is a$$ kissing. All the a$$ kissing I did wasn't much help.
What did help is that I told her exactly how I felt. If I was thinking of her, I would tell her that. If I missed her, I would tell her that. It wasn't, "I miss you so much, I love you, I'm so sorry, I'm a dope".. It was, "Hey, I was just thinking about you. Hope your having a good day". This took a long time for me to figure out.
As well as you do write (and knowing that you don't ahve a mind-reading degree), my guess is you have a degree or two. You have a way with words that most posters do not have. If not from good schooling where did you learn to write so well?
-AlexEN
New: What a Weekend
H-48 WAW-49 M-22 S-14,9 D-11 EA disc.-11/07 PA disc.-3/08 EA2?-6/08 to ?
It's NOT supposed to be you saying "Oh please, I'm so sorry that I treated you so poorly that you decided to have an affair! THIS IS ALL MY FAULT!!! PLEASE notice my changes, and give me the chance to win you back!!!!"
It does take time to get there. The funny thing is, that it seems that many guys start wanting to be more like sensitive girls. The man the cheating wife is with is not all feminine and sensitive. It's good to be a listener...but not a doormat. As Puppy said (or was it Gucci?), you make the changes in yourself, for yourself, without giving up your self-esteem. I think it's quite all right to feel, "know what...I feel good about myself. I don't have to give chase. If she doesn't accept the person I've worked to be, then it's her loss."
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
