Each day I find something on here that reminds me of what a freaking a$$hole I was.
LOL..NDS...that' happens to all of us. at the same time, that's how we are all wired. we are DAM's and really didn't learn to communicate that well.......did we mean it? No. it's just the way it happens....
ME:32 WAW:31 D #1: 3.5 D #2: 2 Together: 13 M:6 Bomb Dropped: 2/15/08 Sep legally: 6/18/08
"Tommorrow there'll be sunshine, and all this darkness past..." -Bruce Springsteen Land of Hope and Dreams
The big thing that concerns me though, is watching most (and yes,I do mean most) of the men on this site floundering with trying to "right their wrongs", while their WS is pushing them away or having an affair. I see failure after failure of men on here not having the tools or are now "ignorant" of another issue.
The issue is "How do I get her back and yet be STRONG?"..... How will she know about my changes if I don't talk or see her? "If I let go, she will think I don't care"
What most of you men "think" will work... is NOT working.... Yet you keep doing more of the same.... How sad....
Most are not listening. That is my big concern. Yes, they may have been awakened to their past ignorance while in a relationship, but I believe many are still in ignorance of the best way to get a woman back when it "appears to be too late"...
I am glad to finally see a handful of men who DO get it.
Puppy dog is one....... Gives fantastic advice... HE gets it...
Once you really GET it... You will NEVER go back to the "old ways of trying to win a woman back"...
Come on guys.. Some of us CAN help you...Please let us...
I'd suggest everyone start by eliminating the "Dumb-Ass Male" acronym from their online vocabulary. It's demeaning.
Yes, sometimes us guys ARE dumb, just as women are sometimes. And sometimes it's just ignorance (there is a difference -- look it up). But other times, it's just that we weren't MIND-READERS, and instead of coming to us to work on our marital problems, together, our wives made the daily choice to have an affair with someone else, and tell their husbands "Well, you never understood me."
I'm generalizing, of course -- but I do see a LOT of this.
I think perhaps THE biggest misunderstanding about Michele's DBing principles is that you DB "to win them back." You DB to win YOURSELF back, and hope that the "new you" that you create will have the added bonus of being attractive to your spouse. But if there's infidelity involved, it's a very, VERY tricky path to navigate, as you DON'T want to reward (or even enable) the bad behavior by REWARDING the wayward spouse with your attentions.
Basically, you want to convey "Oh yeah, I did a lot of soul searching and I DO get it now, and I AM making these improvements. But they're not for YOU, they're for ME. In fact, even though I still love you and don't want a divorce, I'm not even sure, based on what you did to me, that I can even trust you or even want to BE with you anymore. We'll see. In the meantime, I'm working on ME, and it's exhiliarating."
That's a crude way to put it, but that's the gist of it. It's NOT supposed to be you saying "Oh please, I'm so sorry that I treated you so poorly that you decided to have an affair! THIS IS ALL MY FAULT!!! PLEASE notice my changes, and give me the chance to win you back!!!!"
Good stuff again. It's a migration point to get the mindset you describe.
Originally Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails
I think perhaps THE biggest misunderstanding about Michele's DBing principles is that you DB "to win them back." You DB to win YOURSELF back, and hope that the "new you" that you create will have the added bonus of being attractive to your spouse. But if there's infidelity involved, it's a very, VERY tricky path to navigate, as you DON'T want to reward (or even enable) the bad behavior by REWARDING the wayward spouse with your attentions.
Basically, you want to convey "Oh yeah, I did a lot of soul searching and I DO get it now, and I AM making these improvements. But they're not for YOU, they're for ME. In fact, I'm not even sure, based on what you did to me, that I can even trust you or even want to BE with you anymore. We'll see. In the meantime, I'm working on ME, and it's exhiliarating."
I finally get it, but it takes different people different amounts of time to get there which makes me wonder why the natural inclination is the wrong way. I think, and this is pure conjecture, that it's because we, unlike our wayward spouses, have a conscience and realize that we certainly DID have a role in the deterioration of our relationships. We're manipulated, subtly, by the cheater into thinking the whole thing is our fault (it's their way of protecting themselves and "justifying" their actions). I think that may be what makes it a hard pattern to break and why different people take differing amounts of time to get to the point where they realize that by improving for their spouse (and accepting the blame) they are only empowering the cheater. It takes a few 2X4s to realize that, but only then can you get to the point you and gucci are describing.
I don't think it's inconsistent though (and I don't think you're saying this), to accept one's role in the deterioration of the marriage which may have been due to some SAM sh*t as long as it falls under the umbrella of changes that one believes one should have whether or not the H/W relationship can be salvaged or if it's one you'd want to carry into your next relationship. If it's neither of those and only to appease then it serves no real purpose.
New: What a Weekend
H-48 WAW-49 M-22 S-14,9 D-11 EA disc.-11/07 PA disc.-3/08 EA2?-6/08 to ?
PDT---great post. I shall endeavor to remove that from my Vocab. Cuz i sure as hell ain't dumb. a bachelor and masters degree can actually mean something. But i didn't get a mind-reading degree. altho i wish sometimes that i did.......
ME:32 WAW:31 D #1: 3.5 D #2: 2 Together: 13 M:6 Bomb Dropped: 2/15/08 Sep legally: 6/18/08
"Tommorrow there'll be sunshine, and all this darkness past..." -Bruce Springsteen Land of Hope and Dreams
I think perhaps THE biggest misunderstanding about Michele's DBing principles is that you DB "to win them back." [b]You DB to win YOURSELF back, and hope that the "new you" that you create will have the added bonus of being attractive to your spouse.
Puppy,
Great point and made me think of something I read recently about the AA or AlAnon 12 step program metaphor story. Went something like this:
There was this island across the water that was called Paradise, where life was beautiful, perfect and serene. There was this amazing cruse ship that was ready to depart, full of lively passengers and fun and games. The ship was call "Therapy and Treatment". Then, there was a small group of looney people, ready to take off in an invisible boat to go to the same island.
When asked on what boat a passenger wanted to take, the choice was easy - the cruise ship. The ship loaded and took off, went about half way and then turned around. When the passenger questioned on why the ship turned around, the captain said that "Therapy and Treatment" only gets you half way. If you want to go all the way, you need to get in the invisible boat. The invisible boat was the "12 step program".
The passager went down to the looney group and they told the passenger, "hop in!" The passenger said, "I don't see any boat", they said, "hop in anyway". Then they said "grab an oar" - passenger said "I don't see one" - they said, "grab one anyway".
After a while the passenger started to see the boat and then the oars, and the boat meandered away. The group didn't know where they were going and they really didn't even care.
Like you Puppy, I am doing more for me, and less for my M and W. I'm starting to feel like I'm in the "invisible boat", and I don't know if I'll ever reach the destination that I thought I wanted, but I'm beginning to have a good time doing it.
I don't think it's inconsistent though (and I don't think you're saying this), to accept one's role in the deterioration of the marriage which may have been due to some SAM sh*t as long as it falls under the umbrella of changes that one believes one should have whether or not the H/W relationship can be salvaged or if it's one you'd want to carry into your next relationship. If it's neither of those and only to appease then it serves no real purpose.
AGREED. You do them because that is the man (or woman) you want to be (and/or, if so inclined, it's who God would have you be) -- it's a matter of personal integrity to you. Not because you're trying to appease the wayward spouse, or hope that they reward you with their affection and fidelity.
