dealing with infidelity after R

[garyjlost]

Thanks, Scotsman.

You said:
"I hear what you are saying about things being fragile and you feeling you have little bargaining power. The only thing I would say to you is that you may hamper your R efforts by appearing "weak" in her eyes by letting her carry on things with the OM or allowing her to contact him to say goodbye."

I hadn't considered appearing weak in her eyes. You're right. I need to take more definitive action on bringing the affair to a conclusion.

You said:
"You didn't say if the OM is married or if he and your wife work together?"

He is not married. He's the kind of guy who hangs out in bars. That's his life. He and my wife do NOT work together.

You said:
"I would call your wife at her word. If she 'believes' in R with you, she will do all she can to satisfy your needs in formally and completely ending her affair."

Good point. She has disregarded my needs for a long time.

You said:
"I think in terms of 'diminshed bargaining position', I think you tolerating a cake eating and untruthful wife will undermine you much more than setting out firm and fair boundaries and follwing through on the consequences if she does not cease all contact with the OM."

Good point about failure to act decisively having an undermining effect.

You said:
"I think total no contact with the OM has to be your ultimate line in the sand and R with you is not possible as long as she still has any contact with him at all."

You're right. This situation has to be brought to a conclusion immediately. She can't be allowed to drag it out any further. Total no contact must be the goal.

Thanks for your input on my situation. I really appreciate your insights.