And I'm Still Learning

[VeronicaV]

LHS and NW626,

Thank you both. Good advice. Can you tell I really struggle to stay in the moment? I am constantly focused on the next step with H. Got to keep working on that.

Tonight, rings are on because that's what feels right. And like you said, NW626, tonight is all any of us has for certain.

LHS, I really like what you said, "keep what works and toss the rest."

Beth

[lovehimso]

And Beth, I would say whenever your next meeting is with your H, be honest. Don't take your rings off just for that meeting. If by that time you've taken them off, then keep them off. If you're wearing them, keep them on. I don't think it has to spark a R talk either way. If your H felt pressure the last time he saw you, when you were wearing them, he didn't say anything about it, right? Don't try to read his mind.

[VeronicaV]

LHS,

Thanks! What a great reminder... do not try to read his mind. You are right, he is an adult and he could have spoken up if the presence of the rings bothered him. He did not.

Besides, I think honesty is the best approach because it is authentic.

Beth

[nw626]

Beth
Well said...'honesty is the best approach because it is authentic'
I think you have answered your question....
'I am constantly focused on the next step with H'
We all have a hard time to stay focus on ourselves because we love our spouses. We felt unjust because they just checked out of our M. We all hope that they can snap out of the funk quickly. After all, our spouses will do whatever they want. We can't control that. I guess we just need to keep on detaching /Let go for our own good.
It is easy to say and we all know how hard it is.

I am not sure you have read this before.
I found this from one of the thread.
It is beautifully said.

To let go does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.

To let go is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.

To let go is not to enable,
but allow learning from natural consequences.

To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means
the outcome is not in my hands.

To let go is not to try to change or blame another,
it's to make the most of myself.

To let go is not to care for,
but to care about.

To let go is not to fix,
but to be supportive.

To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.

To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their destinies.

To let go is not to be protective,
it's to permit another to face reality.

To let go is not to deny,
but to accept.

To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.

To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.

To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.

To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.

To let go is to fear less and love more

NW626

[VeronicaV]

NW626,

Thank you for posting that here. You are right, it is beautifully said. It is also particularly poignant for me right now.

Beth

[Tawnya]

Wow NW..that was a great post..thank you for sharing that..

{{Beth}} It seems you found something to do tonight, start a major discussion on your thread about rings LOL I have just decided for me, for now, I can't take it off..and I would like to wear hub's too..I did one night for a while before I went to bed..I think Babygirl said she did that occasionally just to make it seem like hub was near..but his ring is way too big and I can't keep it on my finger LOL!

Well..all I found to do for tonight was rent a movie and watch it with daughter and made choc chip cookies..but it was a nice night after all and got to laugh a bit..which is always good..what did you do my friend?

Tawnya

[VeronicaV]

So I am wondering if if things are getting worse...

Since H left, he has always sent a business-like email to me each time he made a deposit to our joint account. He does this each month. This time - no email. This on the heals of the longest silence since dbing. It's not the 2 1/2 weeks that has me concerned, it's the change in behavior. Further retreat.

The only changes have been the passing of the holdiay and that I looked good and acted calm and talked about me/my GAL stuff at out last meeting. Did I mess up?

Any thoughts?

[Tawnya]

Beth..I don't think that you looking good and acting well and doing stuff for yourself can ever be considered "bad"..do you?

Tawnya

[VeronicaV]

Well,

I just remembered some advice my coach gave me a couple sessions ago: send H an email after some silence to let him know I accept his decision and he should not feel guilty. Also point out that I am stepping up to the challenge of making my life the best it can be.

So, I sent it. No expectations. It feels really good because I basically did a very kind thing. I told him it's okay to meet his own needs and I do not blame him for taking care of himself.

Of course, mildly self-serving in that I got to talk about how well I am taking care of myself - without specifics, see Techguy, I am learning how to be mysterious.

And I mean no expectations. I do not think I will get a response, I just felt I needed to say that to him. So back to my life now.

Beth

[cotoffgard]

"honesty is the best approach because it is authentic"

You're right in that honesty, in most cases, is the best policy. However, when it comes to DB'ing, you need to think first what will help the situation rather than what will satisfy your own psychological and emotional needs. Because DB/DR is grounded in solutions-based short term therapy, we need to focus on what positive actions we can elicit from our partners. If taking off your ring during your next meeting with H will be too much for you to bear and be more of a distraction to you, then by all means keep it on.

However, think about what reaction the rings (or the absence thereof) will have on your H. If by having them on, will he feel pressured and/or pursued? If you don't have them on, will it relieve some of the pressure and guilt he's feeling and perhaps open up a bit more? Only you can judge. Just know that rings are just objects we impart meaning and symbolic significance upon. Other than that, it's just a chunk of metal adorned with crystalized carbon molecules If you're honest within, you are honest throughout! You don't need objects to dictate your moral compass.

I hope tonight's meetup will be a good change of pace for you! The first 5 minutes will be awkward, especially if you've never done one of these before, but that will melt away over good food and wine! Enjoy, and let us know how it goes!