Indulging my stylish side....

[sage]

So...it occurred to me this AM why I think I've been feeling "the fear".... (well, in part).

I think it's because I was looking for specific reassurances from h that we are "ok now"....I was also looking for CREDIT (this is an all too common theme for me! ) Credit for sticking it out, for working hard on myself, for being patient and .... you know...some "I'm so grateful that you ..." thingy.

I'm pretty sure this would fall under Soup's "self-cherishing" category, no?

So...I did a couple of things...I LISTENED to what h WAS saying (good stuff!)...and I gave myself credit...and I basked in the support I find here amongst friends. Probably still a bit "self-cherishing". I'll work on that...

What works? Some things:

1. Remembering my goals of patience, quiet, calm, peace -- in myself and in my m.

2. Hearing h. -- really hearing him

3. Remembering that I DO NOT have a monopoly on the "right way to love" -- in other words, h is showing me his love all the time in his own ways...wonderful ways...when I can SEE it and HEAR it ('cause I tune into it!), I can FEEL it. When I'm LOOKING for MY WAY, I miss the good stuff.

Sage

[Jeannine]

Probably still a bit "self-cherishing". I'll work on that...

What's wrong with "self-cherishing"? We cherish others, so why not ourselves.

In my opinion, I think the problem comes when we depend on someone else to make us feel that we are worthy of being cherished.

Jeannine

[sage]

What's wrong with "self-cherishing"? We cherish others, so why not ourselves.

In my opinion, I think the problem comes when we depend on someone else to make us feel that we are worthy of being cherished.

Jeannine

Actually...that's more of an apt description of it than "self-cherishing" -- of the three things I listed (h, me and friends here) only the second one was "self generated". I felt like I was relying on stuff from both h and you guys here to feel good about myself..

Sage

[psluke]

Hey Sage,

I'm dealing with that one too!

I am trying to learn that I need to feel worth something for myself and not have to have outside reassurances for the self esteem!

Slow going at times!!! Sometimes great!

But LOVE to see your logical brain working through all this "emotional junk thinking"

[KutieKat]

sage

found tidbits of priceless information in your second thread

Not to be melodramatic or delve too much into my past but DB'ing has slowed me down enough to see what I've brought to the table in terms of messing up my M. Not listening totally, controlling H. and now, it's becoming pretty clear, NOT appreciating his love for me for what it is -- a gift. How many times have I doubted him? How many times have I "dropped the other shoe" so that he couldn't do it first? My H. has been telling me this all along -- that I never seemed happy (and how could I be? Wasn't something terrible going to happen?); that he couldn't live up to my expectations, etc.

oh my gosh woman, i could have written this myself. i haven't thought of hubby's love as a "gift" - up until this precise moment i always thought of it as something i DESERVED - for putting up with all of his sh** - hehe - thanks for this gem sage

i wanted to also let you know how much the notes you jotted down after your telephone consultation with laurie was PHENOM - there is a wealth of information there

i loved the part about you figuring out the whole "friend" issue - something i need to put more into practice

Of course it is EXACTLY this thought process that led me down the "exploding conversation with body parts everywhere" path so I'm trying very hard to manage my anxiety

this one gave me a chuckle, thanks!!!

never been one to look into horoscopes but your little tirade (with others joining) made me take a gander - what a boost!!!!

whew - that took over an hour, but really worth the read. i find so many similarities in our sitch, except that you two seemed like sex was introduced very quickly - that is an area i am still trying to deal with. i want it, he doesn't seem to

oh well, looking foward to your third thread

peace, kitti

[Jeannine]

"exploding conversation with body parts everywhere"

I'm amazed that I don't recall that in your thread Sage.
It's something that I would normally remember because it's so graphically humorous.

Jeannine

[psluke]

I see I HAVE to go back and read some old threads!

[shinybear]

Hi Sage,

Hey, up until April, we could have shared clothes! ...Actually, most of my stuff is size 8-10 now, thank God for stretch materials!

I agree with LL and everyone that we all need to hear the good and the bad here...no one is EVER let down!!!

Peace

Shiny

[sage]

Hey kitti,

I'm really glad that you're finding stuff of use on my old threads! I think I skimmed them last about a month ago (maybe a bit longer...right around the time Calystra came by and gave me a splash of reality -- that was a major turning point for me!) and it was amazing how some of the themes just repeat and repeat.

I received a lot of wonderful advice and support on the boards...I'm glad it's getting some use "second hand".

Sage

[sage]

Had a pretty good day at work today...talked to h a few times, too.

I realized why I'm feeling stuck today. H isn't feeling well. I rarely feel as though I'm comforting or "good" at figuring out the right thing to do. One of the emails that I saw from the ow to h. referred to her "wanting to take care of him while he was sick" so today I got mired in "what would the ow do", "she was so much more SOMETHING than me" etc.

Welcome to my cheeseless tunnel.

2 things came to mind...

hey, why not ask? so I called h. and asked. Told him I was sometimes confused on how to be helpful. He said he didn't know either...but that my asking the question was a sign of my support.

Also, how would I treat a sick friend?

Oh, I guess one more thing...his withdrawal, quieting down, etc when he's not feeling well is NOT ABOUT ME. I need to stop ASSumping and having EXPECTATION.

Sage