How about you drop trying to apply RIGHT and WRONG labels to this?
W hurts and the thing to do is to extend compassion.
You both got into a new R and a new M way too early. Changing partners doesn't change the issues. You both still have to work out your old issues from your XMs. You still aren't over your XW. It seems to me that gives NewW good reason to feel insecure. Her insecurity is emerging through her OWN issues. Try not to make her issues about you.
It seems to me that you are being rather withholding with W because you are personalizing this. You KNOW she is insecure about this because of her history (probably combined with the ambivalence you feel toward XW that she senses). Can you step back to an objective place and respond to her pain and fear without making it about you? How about some comfort and reassurance for W? "W, I'm so sorry that scared you. I love you so much and I want you to feel secure in my love and desire for you. You are the one for me, you are beautiful, sexy, and I find I really don't have a wandering eye at all. I can see why that kind of thing made you nervous, but remember, this is me, not your XH. You will always be the one that captures my gaze and my heart."
Was being withholding ever a problem in your XM because of resentment toward your XW?
I ask because if you want this M to work, you are both going to have to work through your old issues. For instance, you have to come to grips with the fact that you leapt into a new R before you were adequately healed. As long as you remain in denial about that, it is going to continue to interfere in your M. I don't in any way mean to suggest that you want to reconcile with your XW, or that your new M is doomed because you didn't wait long enough to start a new R. I just mean that you have a TON of work to do and if you can't face it directly, it will eventually sabotage your new M.
