Tower

[Bagheera]

Cinco,

I'll reiterate my former advice that you two need to find a pro-marriage couple's counselor / sex therapist who can listen to and advocate for BOTH OF YOU to get what you want out of the relationship. She will probably never listen to you 'preaching the gospel' to her, and she will probably never read -- and put into practice -- the books that you hand her: they come from YOU, and in her mind, therefore represent YOUR point-of-view only. It all looks like YOU trying to fix her, and she will resist it as much as she can.

She'll resist seeing a counselor too, and you may have to put your foot down and make it a condition for your staying in the relationship, but if things keep on the path they're currently on, your relationship is severely threatened by her current inaction, anyway. You've tried the 'carrot' approach for months now -- it may be time for a little 'stick'.

Now, I'll be the first to admit that going to a counselor and discussing the most intimate aspects of your life is uncomfortable...very uncomfortable sometimes. And if you find a good counselor, they won't 'pick sides' and will be just as likely to call you on the carpet as they will your wife. The little experiment that my own counselor has my wife and I working on has us BOTH squirming and uncomfortable at the moment, since it puts us both out of our 'comfort zones' and working to stretch our personalities into new territory. But we both trust him: he took the time to really understand our respective personal backgrounds and personalities, our marital history, our current wants and needs for the relationship, and is working to get us to develop a common ground where we are BOTH happy and getting our needs net.

And if part of your hesitation regarding finding a counselor is that your past 'secret sex life' will be revealed, I would very frankly say: own it, take responsibility for it, forgive yourself, and move on. DO NOT let it hold you back from doing what you need to do to repair your marriage now, if that is truly what you want to do.

Take care, and don't forget that you can't go "raincoat free" until 6-8 weeks after the surgery, AND a sperm count test saying that you're free and clear of little soldiers.

-- B.