No longer pedaling uphill...I'm just coasting now!

[Amy M]

I'm okay today!! I had an interesting convo with H last night...nothing major just an exchange about the kids. It was funny, when I thought about it this morning, I believe he was trying hard to engage me in conversation, and I didn't go there. The weird thing was that I didn't realize that's what he was trying to do at the time. It's almost like I've detached myself so much, that I don't even notice the things I used to look so hard for.

Last night he forgot football practice. I was relieved...but S7 asked about him...I just said you'll have to ask Dad. So, H calls when we are on the way home from buying the tree and the snowman. He talks to the boys and then I get back on the phone...

He confirms the game time for Saturday, and I tell him about the pizza party for the team after (it's his weekend with the boys). Then he says that he'll have to take them to work with him after that. I said, "To work?" He said, "I can't seem to work enough to keep up." I just said, "Okay." I think he might have wanted me to offer to keep the boys for the afternoon, but I didn't.

Then, he asks me if they've seen Madagascar yet. I say no...and he says, "Well, I thought I would take them on Saturday afternoon. I don't have any friends at my place for them to play with. You have all the friends." I just said, okay.

Then, and in hindsight this was where I think he was really trying to get me to visit with him...he says, "I've got your stuff from the warehouse that I'll bring to the house on Wednesday. I'll put it in the back. Do the boys need anything special?" I said, "I'll pack their bag like I always do, and except for lunch for S7, there's nothing they'll need." He says, "So, S7 needs lunch? When did he start eating?" I said, "What? Haven't you been packing his lunch for school?" He said, "Of course, I was trying to make a joke." I said, "Okay...well, I don't know what you meant by anything special, but they should have everything they need with them except for the lunch. I have to go...we're home and I need to get this stuff unloaded." He just said, "Okay. I'll talk to you tomorrow."

His attempt to "joke" was an attempt to engage me. I didn't even notice it then. We used to play a lot...back and forth. He'd make a smart comment, I'd make one back, etc., etc., etc. Even since he moved we've had occasions of that. And, that's what he was looking for last night. And, I didn't even notice.

As I think back on the convo, he sounded sad last night. As I think back on the sitch, I'm not sure he left me for OW. I think, he left me for his business. And, since she was part of that, he thought it was better to be with her than with me. Because I expected him to be more dedicated to the family than to the business.

And, I'd guess, if they are working as much as he claims, she's going to get really tired of that. He's a workaholic...self declared actually. We've read some great books on that...but, he's not been interested in addressing it ever. So, here we are! If she's not, he won't be interested in her very long. When she was living 2 states away, she could claim to work more than she did without him knowing, etc. Now, he'll know if she wants to leave on time and wants to spend her Saturday doing something other than work!

But, and I don't know if it's good or bad yet, I honestly don't care!!!! That's a strange place to be. My friend at work said that she's guessing it's very strange for him too because from his perspective, it likely happened overnight...one day, I was telling him that I wanted him back, the next I was too busy to talk to him. I don't think it was that sudden, but, if he wasn't paying attention, he might be thinking that now.

So, I'm good. He may not be...and I feel sad for that. My boys are okay most of the time...they have their moments, but all in all, they are doing extremely well!

We did have a cute convo last night about the bathroom at Lowe's...S7 asked if he would have to go in with me. I told him yes he would. He said, "Well, how old do I have to be before you'll let me go in the men's room by myself." I said, "I don't know...it will depend on the circumstances, I guess." So, my little guy pipes in..."When we are with Daddy we go in the boys bathroom but with Mommy we have to go in the girls." I said, "Yea, that's right." And, then, S7 says, "What if you get a boyfriend. Can he go in the mens' room with me?" I said, "Well, I guess so, but I'm not getting a boyfriend." S7 says, "Why not?" I reply, "Because, I'm actually still married to your dad." S7 says, "Wow. Getting unmarried takes a long time." So, I said, "Yea. It's not easy and it shouldn't be. Your mom thinks that people shouldn't get unmarried at all."

We ended it there and talked about what kind of inflatable we needed. But, I think it's interesting that S7 has already started to think about the positive aspects of me having another person in my life. I know in his class that they all have boyfriends and girlfriends (I overheard that at the spend the night party), so I guess he just figures it's the natural thing to do. I certainly don't feel that way right now!!!

Anyway, that's all. Just some thoughts and sharing.

I hope everyone has a great day!!!

Hugs!1
Amy