I Challenged Him to Decide...

[Trixi]

I now realize that he is looking for the emotional connection with these other people- and I am not providing that.

Hey Opt, I've been following your thread, but didn't really have occassion to post before.
But I *just* read that a man wants a "connection" just as much as a woman does; but when we take the "male energy" role of doing, giving, thinking, the man feels like something is missing. (Take with grain of salt, highly generalized.) The man actually *wants* to be the one that gives. They want the woman to be the 'feeling' creature, to openly receive what they give us. When we take on the role of doing WAY more than our fair share, we take away some of their joy. When we intellectualize everything, they feel confused because our words don't seem to be connected to our feelings.

Anyway, 'nuff said.
I just thought it was WAY interesting to read that you are going the route of sharing emotions.

[optimistwife]

Thanks Trixi,

I have been following yours too... What you read is very interesting indeed. It made me think back to what our relationship was like back when we first met (besides trying to rip his clothes off all the time ) We used to talk about our feelings, what made us who we were, our hurts and disappointments, as well as how we made eachother feel... Somewhere along the way it just turned into talking about things and actions. What did you do today? Can you do this? When should we do that?

And then we turned to others- I turned to my family and friends, he turned to other women.

Wow. It really did hit me like a bomb, and one that keeps on expanding as it goes off.

I've been willing to share everything with him, but I did take the role of trying to provide 'too much'. And I missed the one important thing. This is what I need to build with him now.

That was basically the just of my confession to him on Sunday- and now I just need to keep it going and build on it. It seems to be positive so far...

[optimistwife]

Daily Journal...

so H called several times to chat yesterday- I was at work and he was off. Our conversations were very upbeat in general. I called him when I got home and once again he invited me over to his apt! As we went to bed he was the one to initiate contact- putting his leg and arm over my body. I did note that the alarm clock was set an hour before he had said he needed to be up. Usually I hate that, but now realize that it gives us an extra hour to... well anything!

Yup- I think he set it early to set aside time for us to ML! I can't tell you how relieved I am, because all I've been thinking for the past few days is that it could be someone else in his bed at this point. I really think it was devine intervention that made me do what I did... Another day may have been too late?

He is looking for intimacy- and he is looking to me! He even invited me to shower with him before I left this morning.

All I can say is that I feel incredibly lucky today. And tonight is the night I am bringing dinner over... our Thankgiving picnic. I hope to make it special, and make him feel special too.

Other things I noticed is that H had apt really clean and organized, and he was proud of going to get groceries and buy healthy food. And he made his own dinner, and packed lunch. These are huge changes for him, so I really think he is trying to improve his life. It is inspiring me to get the house organized...

Will update more later on...

[optimistwife]

Daily Journal...

so H called several times to chat yesterday- I was at work and he was off. Our conversations were very upbeat in general. I called him when I got home and once again he invited me over to his apt! As we went to bed he was the one to initiate contact- putting his leg and arm over my body. I did note that the alarm clock was set an hour before he had said he needed to be up. Usually I hate that, but now realize that it gives us an extra hour to... well anything!

Yup- I think he set it early to set aside time for us to ML! I can't tell you how relieved I am, because all I've been thinking for the past few days is that it could be someone else in his bed at this point. I really think it was devine intervention that made me do what I did... Another day may have been too late?

He is looking for intimacy- and he is looking to me! He even invited me to shower with him before I left this morning.

All I can say is that I feel incredibly lucky today. And tonight is the night I am bringing dinner over... our Thankgiving picnic. I hope to make it special, and make him feel special too.

Other things I noticed is that H had apt really clean and organized, and he was proud of going to get groceries and buy healthy food. And he made his own dinner, and packed lunch. These are huge changes for him, so I really think he is trying to improve his life. It is inspiring me to get the house organized...

Will update more later on...

[istherehope]

I am going to post later as I am actually busy here at the office, but all I can say for now is YAYYYYYYYYY!!!! :):):)

ITH

[istherehope]

Hi Opt,

It sounds like your gamble paid off. I do think sometimes it's those bold moves that really cause the biggest shifts. In my own sitch I am sure it was sending the email to H telling him I couldn't stop him from moving out. I actually expected he would move out immediately, and was willing to take that chance even though it made me sick and broke my heart. Even thinking about it now causes me great pain. My point is you did something that could have caused your H to move in either direction. It sounds to me like he realized what he could be giving up if he moved closer to that girl. Everything that you've said now is so positive, the physical affection, the ML, the shower...

Best of luck at your picnic tonight. I think you have hit on some cheese...actually my guess now is that you know you are on the right path and your H can lead for awhile.

Please keep us posted!!!

ITH

[optimistwife]

Journal Updates...

While I was out getting food for our dinner, H called to chat. He was wondering what dinner was... If I was picking it up near him, or bringing it from home, cooking it or take out... He wondered if I'd like to go out to eat. I told him that I had dinner tonight, and he can take care of it another night.

We chatted a few more times over the phone before he had to go and I had to rush home to get ready.

When I got to his apt he had to let me in and had an 'oh geez' look on his face when he saw the picnic basket. I am sure he was a little apprehensive wondering what was up... I went up to the apt and got it all set up while he was out walking the dogs. When he came in it was a moment of wondering how this would go over. His initial words were that the candlesticks were going to get knocked over by the dogs (they didn't). We put the dogs away, and when we sat down I said what I was thankful for- health, him being done with his tests, and most of all for sitting across from my best friend. He was really touched and gave me a great big hug.

He complimented me on the dinner many times, that night, and this morning. I spent the night over again, and he was the one who kept on saying for me to get closer to him in bed so we could cuddle! After I went home this morning, be called again to say how nice it was.

I think I really created something special and he felt it.

You guys are right. Big risks have to potential to have big rewards.

I think I should go out with my girlfriends tonight and see if we can set up a date for friday to keep things fresh... And him wanting me...

[istherehope]

Hi Opt,

Wow it seems like things are really looking up for you!

Do you have weekend plans together? Has he ever mentioned the phone conversation? I really like the way that you are now sharing your feelings, I liked the line about being thankful for sitting across from your best friend. The fact that he hugged you afterwards shows me that you are really onto something.

Maybe a bit early still, but have there been discussions of Christmas plans?

It seems like you were at a crossroads and that you managed to stack the deck in your favor. This really makes me smile.

Hope you're having a good day (well, when you get up!).

ITH

[optimistwife]

Hi ITH,

went over to drop some things off at H's yesterday evening. Was able to keep it brief since I made plans to go to the movies with my work friends. This is one of my changes- trying to get out more with friends. He texted me after I left and told me to have fun- that I deserve it!

We have plans for him to come over to the house on Friday and spend the night.

And the biggest news of all (forget the whole x-mas thing...) is that my H wondered if I wanted to go on his internship interviews with him in January! This would be spending 2 weeks on the road driving around the country to various places... Places we could end up living! Together! I had offered well over a month ago to help him drive- only to get the we'll see answer.

We are going to sit down this weekend and plan out the trip! OMG!
Our first plans! I almost exploded. I need to be careful with my emotions, because it is almost too good to be true. I will definitely need to keep on track and calm and cool, and talk to Jody next week as well.

This is unchartered territory (future talk)... Goodbye 2, hello 3, could that be stage 4 ahead?!!!

[istherehope]

Hi Opt,

I still cannot believe what a massive turnaround you've seen! I am a firm believer in the whole "it's darkest just before the dawn" bit. By no means do I mean to suggest that everything is peachy and perfect in your sitch now, but at least you can see the clear hope. Just think back to where you were and how you felt even a few days ago! Sorry to insinuate my own sitch in here again, but I cannot help seeing the similarities. After I made a bold move, and before what was going to be a massive negative turning point (H moving out), things suddenly turned around. For you, you were likely at the crossroads of a PA. Seriously the way that you have turned things around brings tears to my eyes. I am so happy for you.

The internship interviews trip sounds amazing. That will truly be an opportunity for you to start bonding more again, and hopefully to have more serious future talk...Yes I do think things have shifted and are good for you now. I know you know this already, but do try to keep your emotions in check around your H like you said. I think it's still easy to freak out the WAS if we react too eagerly. I saw this in my own sitch when I responded to an email with "ILY" and was told to slow it down. You know what works best in your sitch, but my guess is that cautious interest is good.

So you'll be spending tonight with your H then? Good luck! I think you will have a great weekend :).

ITH