dealing with infidelity after R

[Scotsman]

Hi Gary,

Sorry to hear your wife still isn't telling you the truth about her affair. Unfortunately cheaters lie and your wife is in la la land at the moment. Treat everything she says with absolute caution. You don't have to tell her all the time you are sceptical of her words. Maybe "trust but verify" is the way to go.

In my opinion, face to face or telephone "goodbyes" are not necessary. If your wife is genuine about R with you, then letting him down softly or saying "goodbye properly" should not be a consideration.

I hear what you are saying about things being fragile and you feeling you have little bargaining power. The only thing I would say to you is that you may hamper your R efforts by appearing "weak" in her eyes by letting her carry on things with the OM or allowing her to contact him to say goodbye.

I think for your own piece of mind and for your R efforts she (with your approval and input) must send him a no contact letter. It shouldn't be emotional or mushy in anyway but be along the lines of "I made a terrible mistake, this was an awful and selfish move as far as my husband (whom I love very much) and my daughter are concerned. I will be blocking all your phone numbers and emails and do not contact me ever again."

I'm sure there are lots of examples of great no contact letters out there you can use, let me know if you would like help in drafting a version or if you want me to go over one you come up with. You didn't say if the OM is married or if he and your wife work together?

I would call your wife at her word. If she "believes" in R with you, she will do all she can to satisfy your needs in formally and completely ending her affair.

Also, I think in terms of "diminshed bargaining position", I think you tolerating a cake eating and untruthful wife will undermine you much more than setting out firm and fair boundaries and follwing through on the consequences if she does not cease all contact with the OM. I think total no contact with the OM has to be your ultimate line in the sand and R with you is not possible as long as she still has any contact with him at all.

Keep posting and all the best!

Scotsman