dealing with infidelity after R

[garyjlost]

Well, last night, before I got home, my wife placed an 11 minute phone call to the OM. This is what my life has come to--checking the phone records each day. I really hate this. I gave her all the trust in the world before our marital problems. Now, the trust is destroyed and I'm reduced to checking on her actions.

So now I have to confront her about what's going on with the OM, right? I have to find out if anything is still going on? Why is she still in contact with him?

Opinions? I'm starting to freak out a little.

Our reconciliation has been going well, at least that was my perception. She seemed happy to. So why is she still calling this guy?

I need an answer from her, right?

Please let me know what you think.

[Scotsman]

Hi Gary,

Sorry to hear of your situation and your wife's ongoing contact with OM.

Given you have cast iron proof of your wife's 11 minute phone call, I would raise this with her in a calm and non confrontational way. This is a time for you to to firmly state your boundaries and consequences for violating. Don't do this in a controlling way though...concentrate on how your behaviour will change if she continues to have contact rather than trying to make her change her behaviour.

I think you need to state to your wife that you prepared to work on your marriage, bringing all issues to the table, but this is not possible with a 3rd party involved.

I would ask that you and your wife draw up a no contact letter for the OM. The wording would be approved by you and it would be sent to the OM and received in a verifiable manner. Your wife would block his numbers from her phone(s) and his email addresses from her email. You would have access to her accounts and phone to verify no contact is taking place. If they work together, it would be best if she could find another place of employment. At very least, make sure she is not working anywhere near him of the organizaton is big enough. If the OM is married, I would also inform his wife.

These are your boundaries Gary, if she won't agree to all of them then you firmly and calmly tell her you cannot work on your marriage under these circumstances. After that, you work on yourself and be the best man and dad you can be and leave her to her little fantasy. If she is contacting the guy from your home and in front of you, I would tell her that she is being disrespectful and she must leave the house to do that.

This is a very difficult time for you Gary but I think if you make good boundaries and stick to them it will help you greatly, with your self respect if nothing else. Hopefully it will also knock your wife from the cake eating fence.

You need to show her that whilst you want her back, you are not prepared to totally compromise yourself to do it.

Best of luck to you.....Scotsman

[garyjlost]

Thanks, Scotsman, for the advice.

Yes, I'm making a complete change in my life to be with my wife, and if she is still contacting the OM ... I've got to bring this out in the open. We have to have a written agreement, as you suggested.

I've drawn up a list of goals for the reconciliation, but my wife has delayed working with me to finalize the list. It's time that list gets finalized.

We've already made great progress on many of the goals, but we also have to come to agreement on a goal regarding my wife's partying with friends. I think I must be involved in these outings. However, these outings seem to happen on the spur of the moment. Hard to plan for or get a babysitter. I've got my hands full here. My wife's a party girl who now seems to be going through a mid-life crisis.

She likes most of the changes she has seen in me (less critical, less controlling, more positive, more involved in family activities, etc.), but this whole thing has caused by anxiety level to skyrocket. I'm now taking medication to get the anxiety under control. The drugs seem to be working. I've settled down. My wife seems more comfortable with me now and we've had a couple of really excellent dates.

But if the OM is still hanging around ... waiting ... everything is undermined.

Well, I had to deal with this sooner or later. Sounds like now is the time.

Thanks for the advice.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Hi Gary,

Sorry to hear of your situation and your wife's ongoing contact with OM.

Given you have cast iron proof of your wife's 11 minute phone call, I would raise this with her in a calm and non confrontational way. This is a time for you to to firmly state your boundaries and consequences for violating. Don't do this in a controlling way though...concentrate on how your behaviour will change if she continues to have contact rather than trying to make her change her behaviour.

I think you need to state to your wife that you prepared to work on your marriage, bringing all issues to the table, but this is not possible with a 3rd party involved.

I would ask that you and your wife draw up a no contact letter for the OM. The wording would be approved by you and it would be sent to the OM and received in a verifiable manner. Your wife would block his numbers from her phone(s) and his email addresses from her email. You would have access to her accounts and phone to verify no contact is taking place. If they work together, it would be best if she could find another place of employment. At very least, make sure she is not working anywhere near him of the organizaton is big enough. If the OM is married, I would also inform his wife.

These are your boundaries Gary, if she won't agree to all of them then you firmly and calmly tell her you cannot work on your marriage under these circumstances. After that, you work on yourself and be the best man and dad you can be and leave her to her little fantasy. If she is contacting the guy from your home and in front of you, I would tell her that she is being disrespectful and she must leave the house to do that.

This is a very difficult time for you Gary but I think if you make good boundaries and stick to them it will help you greatly, with your self respect if nothing else. Hopefully it will also knock your wife from the cake eating fence.

You need to show her that whilst you want her back, you are not prepared to totally compromise yourself to do it.

Best of luck to you.....Scotsman

PHENOMENAL post, Scotsman. Gary, you'd be exceedingly wise to read and heed. Everything you need to know and do is here ... the tough part is the "doing," for sure, but here's your roadmap.

Puppy

[garyjlost]

Thanks for confirming the wisdom of Scotsman's roadmap.

I'm not looking forward to this evening.

I've worked so hard to make this reconciliation work. I need to be very careful. But the reconciliation ultimately won't work unless I take the steps that Scotsman described.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Gary,

Confrontation is never fun. I SUKK at it, personally, but I made it a learned skill, and it CAN be learned.

We have a saying around here -- "Strength and honor."

You can do this.

Puppy

[Scotsman]

All the best for tonight Gary, I'll be rooting for you. Let us know how you make out.

As hard as it will be, I think you will feel much better bringing it out in the open with her and laying down your boundaries. Just make sure you keep your cool, keep calm and don't get sucked down the path of emotion led behaviours.

This is the time for your class and strength to shine through Gary, you can do it!

Puppy...thanks...see I've learned something afterall in my time on this board with you and many others!

Bye, Scotsman

[garyjlost]

Thanks, guys.

[garyjlost]

Okay, so I didn't do as well as I had hoped with the confrontation.

The catch is my wife has been a Walk-Away Wife, and that has sort of stolen my bargaining position. We're working to restore the marriage, but she's slow to accept my changes.

Here's what I learned last night:

So while my wife notified the OM that I was moving back home and that she and I would be working on the marriage, she didn't exactly drive a stake in the affair. I think he has been waiting on a back burner for word regarding whether the reconciliation was going to work.

Now the reconciliation looks strong. She says she believe in it. This is what she wants.

So my wife fully intends to tell him that the affair is over. But here's the catch: she clearly has strong feelings for this guy. If I wasn't working with her to make the marriage work, if I wasn't displaying a considerable number of changes, she'd be with the OM, possibly pursuing a long term relationship.

She meant to tell him on the phone the other night that their affair is over, but according to her, the circumstances weren't right. He was driving in his car ... yadda, yadda, yadda ... (fact is, though, I know she called his home number, not his cell phone, so she's lying about his driving). She says she'll contact him soon and end it. (I need to get her to do this as soon as possible. I'll follow up about this. Maybe I should be there for the call? Maybe it even needs a face-to-face meeting, in which case I suspect I should be waiting nearby, with a time limit in place.)

If he doesn't respect her decision and attempts to continue contacting her, then I'll get involved; my wife and I will then craft a No-Contact letter that we'll send to him.

She seems very happy with the reconciliation. This seems like what she wants. An intact family.

Considering my wife is a WAW, I don't know if I could have got more out of this situation. Maybe so, but this is all so fragile right now ...

[Scotsman]

Hi Gary,

Sorry to hear your wife still isn't telling you the truth about her affair. Unfortunately cheaters lie and your wife is in la la land at the moment. Treat everything she says with absolute caution. You don't have to tell her all the time you are sceptical of her words. Maybe "trust but verify" is the way to go.

In my opinion, face to face or telephone "goodbyes" are not necessary. If your wife is genuine about R with you, then letting him down softly or saying "goodbye properly" should not be a consideration.

I hear what you are saying about things being fragile and you feeling you have little bargaining power. The only thing I would say to you is that you may hamper your R efforts by appearing "weak" in her eyes by letting her carry on things with the OM or allowing her to contact him to say goodbye.

I think for your own piece of mind and for your R efforts she (with your approval and input) must send him a no contact letter. It shouldn't be emotional or mushy in anyway but be along the lines of "I made a terrible mistake, this was an awful and selfish move as far as my husband (whom I love very much) and my daughter are concerned. I will be blocking all your phone numbers and emails and do not contact me ever again."

I'm sure there are lots of examples of great no contact letters out there you can use, let me know if you would like help in drafting a version or if you want me to go over one you come up with. You didn't say if the OM is married or if he and your wife work together?

I would call your wife at her word. If she "believes" in R with you, she will do all she can to satisfy your needs in formally and completely ending her affair.

Also, I think in terms of "diminshed bargaining position", I think you tolerating a cake eating and untruthful wife will undermine you much more than setting out firm and fair boundaries and follwing through on the consequences if she does not cease all contact with the OM. I think total no contact with the OM has to be your ultimate line in the sand and R with you is not possible as long as she still has any contact with him at all.

Keep posting and all the best!

Scotsman