...a person has to take ownership of their own feelings. If I resent something my wife isn't doing for me (ie snuggling, whatever) I need to ask myself, "is that really her issue, or is it mine?"
Just had to chime in on this cause it was so close to something I read this monring in the first chapter of "An Uncommon Life":
"the moment you take ownership of the pain is the moment you begin to heal"
I think in my sitch what happened was that my W worked three days a week and was home the rest of the time with the kids. I worked two jobs plus did side jobs to make ends meet. She felt unappriciated for what she did around the house and I felt unappriciated for all the work I was doing to allow her to be home with the kids.
Its all about perspective and the fact that we stopped communicating with each other. She held all of it in and I just thought all was fine after we argued because she did not show any emotions. It built up over time until she just disconnect totaly from me.
So getting back to the original question. No, I don't hold grudges and it would be hard for me to come up with 10 things my W did to me in the past that I would like her to change or appologize for. JMHO.
I must be messed up (more than I thought) because the two posts I agreed with most above were almost opposites in what they said... Like the old Miller Lite ads: "I feel strongly both ways" as I thought what Puppy said about how the past is used to justify the present behavior rings true as does what NewMe said about his contribution to the situation. I need a drink... Great topic, though!
-AlexEN
New: What a Weekend
H-48 WAW-49 M-22 S-14,9 D-11 EA disc.-11/07 PA disc.-3/08 EA2?-6/08 to ?
Typically...I can be a grudge holder, but honestly don't think I ever have with my wife. I could probably come up with a few things she has done in the past that were "grudge worthy"...but it would be a short list.
Given our past, and the way I treated her, the things that I would come up with would most likely be in response to something that I had done to her. It had got to a point, and she has admitted it, where she would do things just to set me off.
She may not be a grudge holder, but has surprised me over the last several months by remembering so many of the things that I did over the years...right down to specifics....exact words, time and place..etc. Then again, I have to take her word on that, because I sure don't remember doing, or saying it to her..lol.
Her list goes right back to when we were dating and other women I may have been seeing at the time, and how at one time or another, I chose one of them over her for a date, or night out...crazy. That was 20 years ago.
I read on a lot of the threads of wives with WAHs how the H has all this "pain" that they need to work through. It got me wondering whether I'm different or if these women have the wrong impression based upon how they perceive things
I believe these women have the wrong impression based on how they perceive things... I have been, and also know numerous males that are having or have had affairs. I can't recall any of them being "in this pain" that women on here talk about so much.
In fact,I see it as quite the opposite... Most of them feel FREE.. They have not ONE, but TWO women vying for their attention and doing most anything to "win" him from the other woman. They are actually LOVING it. The woman who falls for the "pain" theory is in denial. He isn't in pain.. He feels OUT OF PAIN...... (until of course, one of the women wise up and take back their dignity...)(hint, hint, read Kalni's thread and see when her WS suddenly woke up)
I must admit that as a man, that I am almost ALWAYS the "pain maker" in my marriage. It is easy for me to not remember the past pain my wife put me through because she rarely does..... I can say without a doubt that I have caused her far, far, more pain than she has caused me over time. It is no wonder she would remember the pain more..Since I am the "pain maker."
However... I most certainly DO remember when she has....... and I can hold a grudge with the best of them........(silent treatment, passive aggressive, know it all, and many other male traits that I am not proud of that I know I have done over the years that prove to me that I do not let go of things as easy as I think I do.........(actions speak loudly)
I must admit that as a man, that I am almost ALWAYS the "pain maker" in my marriage. It is easy for me to not remember the past pain my wife put me through because she rarely does..... I can say without a doubt that I have caused her far, far, more pain than she has caused me over time. It is no wonder she would remember the pain more..Since I am the "pain maker."
Now that you mention it...that's probably true of me as well. Although you must admit that many "slights" or "insensitive" things aren't done with malice, but out of ignorance of the woman's needs.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
I must admit that as a man, that I am almost ALWAYS the "pain maker" in my marriage. It is easy for me to not remember the past pain my wife put me through because she rarely does..... I can say without a doubt that I have caused her far, far, more pain than she has caused me over time. It is no wonder she would remember the pain more..Since I am the "pain maker."
However... I most certainly DO remember when she has....... and I can hold a grudge with the best of them........(silent treatment, passive aggressive, know it all, and many other male traits that I am not proud of that I know I have done over the years that prove to me that I do not let go of things as easy as I think I do.........(actions speak loudly)
Even though I said I was not a grudge holder, in regard to my wife, I read that and it describes me exactly.
I was thinking of things that she may have purposely done to wrong me and that I may have taken offense at and held a grudge.
Guess my issue was(is??)more what I "perceived" her to be doing wrong and how I reacted and treated her response....that's when the "pain maker" would come out....(silent treatment, passive aggressive, know it all, and many other male traits that I am not proud of that I know I have done over the years that prove to me that I do not let go of things as easy as I think I do.........(actions speak loudly)
Each day I find something on here that reminds me of what a freaking a$$hole I was.
