It's terribly difficult for me to be patient - definitely not a strength of mine - so I know that's going to be the biggest battle. My family is going to be another huge battle, because they're going to be pushing me to move on - file for the D, move out of the house, figure out finances, etc. I do have a limited time frame in the sense that I'm not sure I can afford the house by myself, and so I need to figure out some sort of plan. I'm not sure that I can carry the cost while waiting to sell, and my H has mentioned bankrupting and allowing it to foreclose. My family tends to think we should bankrupt and that I should move back in with them, save money for a year, and then get on to grad school. The problem is, at 26 I don't feel like it's necessarily a step in the right direction to move back in with them, and I know that I am not happy about ruining my credit for the next 7-10 years.
I don't even have a plan yet, and I'm not even sure how to "plan to wait" as money is an issue and the only real way I can see to move ahead is to roll things up and get the D.
He's got to be feeling the same rush as well. He's living in his office, and he's going to have to think about getting a place, etc.
So what really sucks is that I don't actually know how long I can wait. It's all very frustrating.
I'm sure he will think the changes are temporary. I would if I were him. I've been very solidly "who I am" for the entire 11 years he's known me, so I know that time will be key here. Right now, I know that he's expressed to his sisters that he's scared of the changes in me and that he doesn't want me to do anything I don't really want to do (religion, kids, being traditional etc). He said he didn't think he wanted those things with me, but he also said that I was making him doubt himself.
I'm just so afraid that even if he does want to try again that his pride will get in the way.
Thanks for the advice about the OW. I haven't really focused on it/thought about it at all except in terms of forgiveness for his being human. I tend to relate whatever he's doing to what I've done, but I'm not sure if that's a good thing.
I'm a bit afraid if I do focus on the affair and the OW that I'll give up because of my own pride.
Perhaps I do need to prepare myself for the worst by giving it more thought. For all I know, he could be crazy in love with her. He could be staying with her. Who knows....
If it is the same girl from before we got married then he's definitely working through unfinished business and could feel that she's the right thing. I have a feeling I'll never know the truth.
Right now, here's how our contact has broken down: 11/12: Husband brings up kids while out to eat. Wants to start a family. 11/14: Conversation about the problems in our marriage; H is afraid we are too different. 11/15: H moves out to his dad's house at my suggestion. Comes home briefly to switch out our phone chargers. Talk to him that evening as I thought heard noises in the house. 11/16: No contact. 11/17: Email H expressing my fears about his leaving. H emails me asking to meet to talk on our anniversary. I do not respond to his email. 11/18: Text message him to meet to discuss the relationship two days earlier than he suggested. After some push-back and adjustment on his end, we meet. I demand a "verdict" and he asks for a divorce. I call him crying and he comes home, citing that maybe he does need to open up more and perhaps he needs counseling. 11/19: He's at home. I cook dinner but avoid work and mope. 11/20: Our 4th anniversary. After much pushing on my part, he saying it's not going to work and that there's an OW. Husband leaves and moves into his office. 11/21: No contact. 11/22: H emails stating that I can have the house, car, etc but that he cannot help with bills, etc. I respond with a warm email requesting more time to think and restating my hopes that we can be friends. 11/24: I text him saying that I understand things are the way they are but that I am here if he needs me. He responds by text that he wants to remain close as well. He calls me after I message him that I would feel better if we could talk. I tell him that I forgive him, that I understand his feelings, and that I hope we can stay friends. We are both teary, and he agrees that he wants to be friends. 11/25: Text back and forth to figure out a time for him to come pick up some things. Inform him I might be pregnant. He offers support though he says it's just a lot much to process. 11/26: Inform him I am not pregnant but that my sadness is surprising. We have friendly conversation about family gossip. I email asking him to pray with me. He responds saying he cannot come over to pick up his stuff, that he wants to but is too confused and needs time. Says I am "weirding him out" with my reaction to everything, and he apologizes for the 100th time. 11/27: I leave town for Chicago. I pack some things in his suitcase and separate his bills. He comes over after I've left to check on the house and grab his things. 11/28: He texts me Happy Thanksgiving. I respond with a funny story about my friend. 11/29: We exchange Thanksgiving story via text. Very friendly exchanges. 11/30: I return from my trip. Find his letter to me at the house. I call him to come over, and when I see him we hug and are friendly. I explain my changes of heart and desire to try. He seems frustrated and confused though he states the divorce is definite. We pray together. I try to push him to stay, but he decides to leave in the end. Says I need to let go and that I'm making things hard for him. 11/31: I write him a long "goodbye" type email where I validate his feelings, apologize for pushing, and reminisce. He does not respond. My mother also emails him unbeknownst to me (dammit). 12/1: He texts to ask how I am. I do not respond. He calls to ask about meeting to cash a check to pay our house payment for December. I do not answer the phone but respond to his voicemail via text. We agree to meet this Saturday. 12/2: No contact. 12/3: No contact so far.
So basically, I've seen him a handful of times since he left on 11/15, but we've had a lot of contact. At Cheryl's advice, I'm going semi-dark and am stopping pursuing.
Thanks so much for letting me go on and on and on. It really helps to have someone listening!
