Makes sense. I think you could be right when you said a number of posts ago that when we were on vacation, W forgot about all that stuff and let herself FEEL. But when she went back to work, all those things came flooding back. And also why she's so different on the weekends vs. the work week. Maybe I'm fooling myself, but maybe, just maybe, she's not in contact with OM, but everything else that triggers her is the road block. Would make sense in that she's talking about our future, etc, but there's something holding her back.
H4U, sometimes I worry that you have way too much emotionally invested in this theory. You have posted some version of this over and over and over again, and I'm concerned that if it should turn out as anything other than this, that your head and heart will not be prepared for it.
Have you thought about what your response would be, say, if she WERE still in contact with him (even inappropriate contact), but was simultaneously in love with you and trying in her own way to work herself back toward your marriage?
I see what puppy's saying, but I DO think she is coming out of the fog. She has shown in many ways this very thing. YOu know what these things are, I won't list them.
She hasn't done work with communication, she hasn't gotten rid of some things you asked her to, she is working on the bed thing. SO there are the things you need to talk about. I think you can talk to a half fogged out spouse.
She's stubborn. It's part of her personality. I don't think she will just come to true remorse without learning about what was happening to her. THese forums helped me enormously. She doesn't have this. You can't make her, but you can ask her. You have said things in letters to her and she responded well. That's one type of communication and it worked.
When I say communication it will include personal boundaries because you are talking about what you need. But, true communication will require you to hear what she needs as well and work it out together.
Oh yes. IF I find out there's been contact and IF she's truthful with me about it, she's got one strike to make it right. If she lies about it or agrees to stop and it happens again, I'm done.
I've told her this on a number of occasions. It's the ONE thing that is non-negotiable.
I worry that I have too much emotionally invested in her PERIOD. But I'm getting there. Some days I almost HOPE she doesn't want to move. Not dealing with her when I'm out of town for work or when she's not in the house, is NICE.
I also wonder sometimes if I'm staying and trying because I truly want to make it work or if it's because I HATE divorce and what it does to families/kids, etc. I wonder if I'm staying because I made a commitment and to me, my word is everything.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
Nothing wrong with staying because of your vows. Any person you are with will have issues, every marriage is hard work, in the end you have to decide if you want to keep to that commitment or be the type to change whenever you please. If you choose the latter, you could do that every other year. THere are some really great women out there and that beginning stage is wonderful. YOu know what I mean.
And I probably shouldn't have said that. It's not what I truly think, but I have to admit that the thoughts go through my head. Maybe I just like the breaks from the drama.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
Nothing wrong with staying because of your vows. Any person you are with will have issues, every marriage is hard work, in the end you have to decide if you want to keep to that commitment or be the type to change whenever you please. If you choose the latter, you could do that every other year. THere are some really great women out there and that beginning stage is wonderful. YOu know what I mean.
That's what I don't think W GETS.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
Thoughts are just that....thoughts. You are sifting through them. Yep, your wife needs to start doing some sifting, too.
Again, I don't think W will start doing that until push comes to shove. Of course, it's what I think is going on in her head and who knows what she's thinking.
I saw her looking at men's watches on the internet last night. I NEVER wear a watch. I know she's talked about getting S20 a watch, but he NEVER wears one either.
So of course I'm thinking she's going to send a gift to OM or maybe a new OM she's interested in.
Who the F knows?
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
As some others have said, you've invested a lot in different theories, etc. It seems as if this consumes your every thought. I know you're doing a lot of good DBing stuff, but what about the GAL part? Stop analyzing W for a minute, an hour, a day.
You say you're giving her all this space and not pushing her, but if you really are thinking about all of this all of the time and monitoring her moods and words and behavior incessantly...than she has got to feel that. Maybe not consciously...but it's got to be there under the surface.
Maybe you should "drop the rope" in your head a little bit. I challenge you to write three posts today that have nothing to do with your wife. Who's your favorite football team? What was the first rock concert you ever went to? Ummm...if you could be any tree, what would you be? Just kidding on that one ;P
As some others have said, you've invested a lot in different theories, etc. It seems as if this consumes your every thought. I know you're doing a lot of good DBing stuff, but what about the GAL part? Stop analyzing W for a minute, an hour, a day.
You say you're giving her all this space and not pushing her, but if you really are thinking about all of this all of the time and monitoring her moods and words and behavior incessantly...than she has got to feel that. Maybe not consciously...but it's got to be there under the surface.
Maybe you should "drop the rope" in your head a little bit. I challenge you to write three posts today that have nothing to do with your wife. Who's your favorite football team? What was the first rock concert you ever went to? Ummm...if you could be any tree, what would you be? Just kidding on that one ;P
