Hi, Tormented! Thank you so much for responding! NJ must be a much more exciting place than GA. I'm down in Savannah but I'm orginally from Cleveland/Chicago, so I know how different the north can be.
I'm so sorry to hear that you're having similar problems. Do you have a thread about your sitch? I'll go look for it - just got into work a few mintues ago. I really appreciate your book recommendation,a nd I will totally check it out. I am definitely open to new perspectives, and I've been doing a lot of reading about roles in marriage, demonstrating respect, etc. It's a long, difficult road for me as I am very indepedent and I have alot of baggage surrounding traditional roles. It takes alot for me to admit that it takes alot of strength to defer to someone else sometimes and to be more of a Giver.
My mom and dad have a very traditional relationship, and it's affected my negatively in many ways. As an only child, I always was involved in all of their arguments (I was literally made to sit down, listen to their sides, and function as a pseudo-counselor froma very young age). My mom is a stay-at-home mom that sacrificed many dreams to take care of me, and she has very low self-esteem. My dad is a successful business man and Ph.d, but deep down he's very bitter and insecure in ways I don't think he even realizes (he's from a large Sri Lankan family, and he's had to support all of his brothers, etc). He takes out his frustration on my mother by putting her down, and she in turn nags and cries and nags and cries. They are both miserable and have been for a very long time. My mom is Hungarian and came from a very tradional 1950's midwestern family, so her family never really accepted my dad which resulted in tons of arguments about families, etc. When my parents would argue, I would get so angry at my mother for constantly crying (it was too painful to be sad for her) and would silently hate my father as I had to listen to his cold logic and try to debate with him.
I love both of my parents very much, and they are very loving and supportive, but they have definitely affected me greatly. Even looking at my love languages, it makes sense that I take my H's primary love language (Acts of Service) an secondary love language (Gift Giving) so lightly. I always was taken care of by my parents (never had chores, etc), and I got whatever I wanted. What I really long for is Quality Time and physical affection. My H, on the other hand, comes from a family that is much more tradional. 3 kids, so the siblings are separated from the arguments, etc. He had to work at a young age and had many responsibilities, so it makes sense that AOS and Gift Giving is so important to him. Both his parents always seemed cold to me - not really demonstrative or apt to talk about feelings - so he's always run after their affection. He used to do that with me until I became more clingy and available.
In any case, as far as the parent thing goes, there's a large part of me that's always felt that if I don't victimize someone that I will become the victim myself. I'm terrified of becoming my mother even though I love her very deeply. When I was little, I was bullied alot, so I definitely have a need to assert myself now. One of the reasons I barely wrote my H (then my boyfriend) when he was at war was because I felt that if I did, it would make me somehow the "little woman at home" or that his buddies would sit around laughing about me.
Yeah, I have problems. My H knows abotu my problems as well. Throughout the years, I thought or him as a saint in some ways, so any little normal thing he does makes me crazy. When we were younger and I foudn out he'd gone to a strip club, I went crazy. When I found out he was looking at porn (and to be real, so do I) a couple of years ago, I went crazy even though I knew it was healthy and normal.
So yeah, issues, issues.....
Sorry to talk your ear off again. I'm going to go look for your thread now.
