Aussie Girl - Patience might finally be paying off

[Essie]

You guys are the best.

So agreed that maybe asking H to do something specific with a time and date might have worked better (but it might not too, if he really is just stringing me along). I think my goal was to let him know that I was free and wanted to see him, if he wanted to come up with an idea and make a date with me. OK it didnt work.

In a flash of brilliance I've realised
That I dont necessarily want to be with him. But I definitely dont want to be rejected by him again.

To be honest the thought that he will reject me again makes me feel that awful, anxious, panicky feeling, like when he first left.

Anyone have any great resources to help me deal with this fear of rejection?

I have no idea what my plan is next..... wait and see I guess. I think I'm warming up for a relationship talk, but I'm determined it will be different from ones that we had pre-separation and that I wont be needy or clingy. And seeing its been well over a year since we had one, there is no need to rush into a R talk!

I looked at myself in the mirror this morning and thought "I'm never going to be able to break up with him, I'm always going to have some sort of hope. Love never gives up.... UNLESS I meet someone new, and then it would be easy to get over rotten lovable H'. I dont know if I could actually divorce him, I dont know....

[stella_k]

(((Essie))),

hi and thank you for checking on me and for your suggestion. Still working on it (telling D17).

I wish I had a sound advice for you. At the moment I'm at my wit's end with my H initiating contact and... nothing. I so understand your fear of rejection! After many hints from H that he's not happy with OW, I'm still afraid to ask him out or even simply call him for no reason.

The plan to wait and see sounds good to me...

(((Hugs)))

[transformer]

Dearest Essie,

You are doing such a good job of searching your own heart. Hooray!!!

I was really struck by what you posted, and didn't post right away because I wanted to think it over.

That I dont necessarily want to be with him. But I definitely dont want to be rejected by him again.

I wonder if this is EXACTLY what your H might be feeling?? Perhaps that would explain his caution also?

To be honest the thought that he will reject me again makes me feel that awful, anxious, panicky feeling, like when he first left.

Same thing here... OMG I am so familiar with this feeling... it is really weird what can activate it (like the beard photo)

I looked at myself in the mirror this morning and thought "I'm never going to be able to break up with him, I'm always going to have some sort of hope. Love never gives up.... UNLESS I meet someone new, and then it would be easy to get over rotten lovable H'. I dont know if I could actually divorce him, I dont know....

This kind of sounds like a "Two Choice Dilemma" as described in Passionate Marriage, no? You are afraid to move forward with him...(because then you might be rejected). You also don't want to give up on him either!!

Which would you rather do... give up on him, or move forward with him, even though you might be rejected by him?

They are both terrifying to me, to think about!!!

(((ESSIE)))

I am so proud of your introspection...

love,
T

[AliSuddenly]

Hi Essie,

I have been reading and the conclusion I came to, is the same as T.. your ambivalence toward him is palpable in your posts, and maybe men, like dogs, can smell fear !? It just jumps out all the time that you are 'playing it cool'...and maybe that could be misinterpreted by him as lack of interest/passion.. or maybe it was before, when he first came back, took you to the opera and told you he loved you (?).. and I seem to remember that you didnt exactly fall into his arms, but kept up the cool, kind of "men love bitches" independent dbing strategy.

To be honest, I wondered at the time if that wouldnt backfire a little. And then you went and booked a big holiday over Christamas (is that right?) without asking him, again, very cool and independent actions... but mauybe he needed to feel you were glad and relieved and thrilled that he wanted you back? I donbt know as he is doing a pretty good job of being ambivalent himself!

So yes.. I thikn you should shake things up. I dont seem to be giving good advice lately in some sitches.. but it seems to me, if you arent sure you still want him and are vaguely considering D, mayne you should take some risks with him, what have you got to lose? Maybe try being less careful, follow less rules, speak from your heart...?

Hows things with you now anyway?

Al xxx

[One Day]

((((Future Girl)))))

To be honest the thought that he will reject me again makes me feel that awful, anxious, panicky feeling, like when he first left.

Anyone have any great resources to help me deal with this fear of rejection?

I don't think I have a good answer, but what I do is to try and remember that it's not ME being rejected, it's H dealing with something within himself and rejecting that, rather than anything to do with who I am. It's a little shift in perspective that I think makes a big difference (for me, anyway!)

I looked at myself in the mirror this morning and thought "I'm never going to be able to break up with him, I'm always going to have some sort of hope. Love never gives up.... UNLESS I meet someone new, and then it would be easy to get over rotten lovable H'. I dont know if I could actually divorce him, I dont know....

OMG- I so totally identify with this! I've always thought that I'd have the box of 'H's love' open until someone new came along to float my boat, at which point a new box would open, and the lid would shut on H's box (except th box would still be there). This is a silly analagy, I realise as I type, but what I'm trying to say is that I understand! Are you still dating? or have you stopped while you and H are dating?

I hope your day is going beautifully! I wish you could come to London and CEO could take us out to his club and we'd get chatted up by all sorts of delicious and rich hot men! Mwahahahaha to our H's!!

L. xx

[ba065]

Essie:

I agree with Lisa! It's hard to remember it's not about us...I know the rejection thing is hard to not take that way...but Lisa is right...it's something they are dealing with inside themselves. They state..."it's not you...it's me"...and they are right... even though it's hard to not think that it is you being rejected.

My H said something the other day....something about when he thinks of me being with someone else, it drives him crazy...he doesn't understand why...he wants me to be happy...just not with someone else...??? But he knows he is making me very unhappy right now....so go figure?!

Love never fails...but that doesn't mean you can't move on if that's what you decide to do. Only you can decide what's best for you...:)

Hugs!
BA

[Essie]

Thanks everyone. I wont bore you with my internal thoughts.

This week H rang me after I sent him an email question. Was a good conversation, he ended the it with "hope to see you soon', to which I said "I'd really like that".

But then no more phone calls and no contact this weekend. Stupid stupid.

I did go out dancing Friday night (have got the blisters to prove it!), had a surfing lesson Saturday and hang out at the beach. Saturday night I went out for dinner and the movies with a friend. Today I've done 4 hours volunteering at the children's hospital and went to church this evening. I estimate that I still think about H every hour.

All my RL friends and family are saying I should file for divorce. I've never really shared the DB-ing thing with any RL friends, but even those that I could tell hoped that we would reconcile are now telling me that I should make the decision and take control of the situation. Hmm not sure. I still love him damn it!

Highly doubtful that H wants to see me on our wedding anniversary - I expect he would have made a plan by now and called me if he was going to....

I think that I'm ready to have the conversation where I try and get a sense of where he see this heading.

I'm thinking of telling H that I feel really confused about him and our relationship, and then ask him if he feels confused too? (and validate and affirm and all that crap after wards!)

What do you think?

Other option is to ask him if he'd be prepared to see me at least once a week, so that we can do some more fun things together. If he doesn't want to, or if he doesn't follow through, then tell him that I'm sorry his life is so busy, but only seeing each other once every 3 weeks is not what I want, and he should call me only if he can clear enough room in his life to see me more often.

The third option is one where I yell and tell him to man up!. The fourth option is to tell him I've met someone else. The fifth option is to tell him a part of me will always love him, and I want him but I dont need him anymore and I have to move on for my own sake. I'm pretty sure there is a sixth option too - one that involves lots of swearing.

Am I losing my mind?

xxxxxx

[transformer]

Dearest Essie,

Oh... it sounds so confusing!!! You are so honest to tell us that you are busy having lots of fun and still think of H about every hour. You do have a lot of options that you have laid out at the end of your last post! The one that appeals to me the most is telling him you feel confused and asking him what he thinks/feels. For some reason I feel the best thing in your situation is just go to him with an open heart and open mind.

For whatever reason the vibe I'm getting from your H is that he needs encouragement. Not an ultimatum ("once a week or it's over, buddy") or even specific requirements ("once a week or it's over, buddy"). Maybe he is looking for an opening from you to tell you how he feels. maybe he is really confused. Maybe he is depressed and he doesn't want you to see him in that state. Maybe he is trying to mirror your behavior of being really cool and busy!

What do you think passionate marriage would say about your situation?

I know I need to do this in my own situation, but could you go back and make a list of what you've done for the past few months and how H has responded? Maybe there is more of a pattern than we realize.

Ok, I just re-read your post and two things popped out at me:

Was a good conversation, he ended the it with "hope to see you soon', to which I said "I'd really like that".

OK, if *I* was your H, I might have been hinting that I wanted you to ask me to do something, but I was afraid to ask because you might reject me. Why don't you just ask him to do something with you? Something he would like to do? I know you want him to chase you, but what if he isn't going to do that, because he isn't comfortable doing it, or because you've played it so cool he feels discouraged? Did he ever chase you before?

Highly doubtful that H wants to see me on our wedding anniversary - I expect he would have made a plan by now and called me if he was going to....

What if he is thinking the exact same thoughts about you? Why don't you just ask him to do something fun with you? The worst thing that could happen is that you.... see your husband and have a slightly awkward time with him!!!

In the past, did he chase you, or did you arrange all your hangouts, or did you take turns? Maybe he is waiting for you to take your turn here!!

Essie!! I see a pattern!! You are so frustrated because you want H to initiate H&Essie hangouts. I think it is time for you to try something different and ask him to spend time with you. When was the last time you tried this--with a specific plan--and what was his response?

I hope you are having a gorgeous week already, friend!! And thank you for your encouragement yesterday
love,
T

[Essie]

Thanks T

I've also come to the same conclusion that it's not going to work to give H an ultimatum... that my plan still has to be trying to be an attractive option - someone that he wants to see. And maybe sharing how I'm confused will be helpful....

I'm going to wait a while before contacting him though... maybe ask him to do something with my brothers and sister just before Xmas - I think it will not be so couply and more reaching out as a friend....

I think he really is confused. I honestly think he doesnt want to be married to me - he enjoys being single and having the attention of multiple girls. But he doesnt want to not have me either, and he wants me to give him attention too. So he doesnt want to divorce me either. How long am I prepared to go in limbo without pushing him in one direction or another is the question..

The pattern is that if I ask him to do something specific he will say yes. But he doesnt always jump at it, and sometimes I see him it feels good, sometimes it feels awkward. Calling on the phone also works well - if I send a text he will mostly call back (but not always). So its fine if I 'initiate' or make it smooth for him.

But that's not what I want - always me making it OK for him to come to me.

The reason that it really bugs me is cause I read that book "He's just not that into you", and because I've seen when H wants a girl he does go after her (I'm thinking of the one-night stand girl, and also the girl that he really liked just before we separated and I found their emails). And in the past I was the relationship carer, relationship fixer, and it meant that he could take a back seat, and it didnt work in the end because he wasnt nearly as invested in it as me. It also really bugs me because when I meet new men they are so keen and make such an effot and are SO persistent.
I dont think I'm prepared to go back into a R with H if he's not investing...

And I came to the conclusion that me asking H out, and me calling H was fine - we did more things together, but it wasnt satisfying for me, because I'm slipping back into the role of being relationship carer.

And the last interaction we had was when H replied to my text message. And the second last interatcion we had was when I asked H if he wanted to do something fun, and he preferred to do his washing. That sucks. If he did want to see me that was a pretty good / safe opening... He knows that I'm not busy all the time. I know that when I show him I want to see him more often he 'caves' even more. So nothing I do seems to work!!

OK so my plan is wait until the 21st of December, ask him if he wants to go and see some christmas fireworks with my brothers and sisters. And then wait and see what happens after that. If we talk on the phone I might bring up the "i'm confused" conversation and see where it leads.

And then after that maybe I have to accept that we are moving in increasingly different directions, and that's OK.

Thanks so much for helping T. You're the best!

[AliSuddenly]

Hi essie..
Hmm. I'm sorry your H seems to have blown cold again.. did I have any point in my last post, or not.. )like Kalnis H.. did yuou read that just now?).. do you think he got discouraged by your original muted response when he wanted you back. could that have made him lose confidence in your R? make him feel like it was too much trouble to put it back together? That he might fail? Like too much damage had been done?

I agree you should talk to him, but not over the phone.. you need to do it face to face and be able to see his eyes and facial expression IMHO. Can you get him to meet with you?

Also, is there a chance he could be seeing someone, could you find out?

Seems like in your post you are weighing up a lot of possibles but you just dont know.. and seeing as you two have been dating (?) and sleeping togetehr again (??).. perhaps you are in a posotion to have an R talk with him and then you dont have to guess or assume what he is thinking...

You sound like you are coping with it, but you did say in an earlier post that maybe you were holding back (?) becuase of fear of being rejected by him again??

Al xxx