Life in the Rough - A Liar's Game?

[TwinDad]

Hope,

Long time, no speak.

I want to start off by saying, I think you are doing an amazing job and have shown quite a bit of grace in the face of all this (well except for the experimental gun re-sighting)!

I see you have had some interesting events as of late, most noticeable is your H admitting the full extent of his actions

The good news is he had the strength to own up to this. I think it also helps explain a lot of his erratic alien type behavior over the last year. The guilt can be pretty oppressive even if it comes across as him blaming you for feeling guilty….afterall if you were not there, there would be nothing to feel guilty about…sounds messed up, but so is the whole situation.

I also think he has been doing a very good job of communicating with you since admitting this. Realize he will make mistakes in his communication or may overlook things that may really get to you. He is making an effort, it took a lot to admit this, he has probably feared it for quite some time. The good news is he has lifted this burden from himself and should probably be more like his old self. If you had re-sighted his gun a few months ago instead of last week, I imagine the reaction would have been significantly different.

The bad news is you have now accepted the burden. You now have to deal with this. It is probably always been something you suspected or feared but never had definitive proof. So now you have the devil you know instead of the one you don’t. Whether it is an EA or PA it really doesn’t matter, they all pretty much bite. Like you said he has had a year to dwell on this moment, you are dealing with it all at once. This is not easy, but it should not be completely unexpected either.

The only advice I can give is to look at it from a couple different perspectives:

Your H has strayed but through the year MLC alien sightings he has decided to stay with you. It could have gone the other way and your strength is to be credited with keeping him in the home. Now you have to decided, knowing what you do, do you still want him. I suspect that the fact that you are still here would make me think that you do. So now how do you deal with the betrayal, the hurt and the pain……Your H feels better, Your H’s OW probably feels better….you have the burden.

This might sound a bit off the wall, but probably the best approach (once you get rid of your initial anger) is simply compassion and forgiveness…anything else is just going to make you feel worse over time and lead to resentment or shame. Realize that everyone involved is human and therefore have needs and have weaknesses. We would like our spouses to not have these, particularly when we need them the most….but at the end of the day they are human just like you and me.

Accept that everyone had a play in this horrible situation. It is easy to lay the blame at the OW, but the fact remains that your H had a play in this as well, as did her H and to a lesser extent yourself (due to your treatment). I don’t believe people go out looking for affairs. They typically happen because some basic need is not being met by the one they love the most. Someone is found that meets that need and they become like a drug. Please understand I am by no means blaming you, you were more likely than not unable to meet his need due to your treatment or perhaps the C showed him your mortality and that “scared” him into a genuine MLC. It is not hard to see how your H looked attractive to the OW, after all he was fulfilling the “father” need to her children when her H was not around. It could be this man was a great H in every other way but this need was at the top of her list. We would all like our spouses to rise above these trials….some are better at it than others.

This by no means excuses the behavior, but I feel it does show the humanity of it. So find the strength to forgive those involved. You will feel better. Also continue with the good communication, this will be key to keeping the two of you from going down this path again. Now is the time where you show true unconditional love……it will be work and it won’t be easy…..but you have what it takes.

I probably won’t post in quite a while, but I wanted to wish you a Happy Holiday season and you seemed like you really needed a friend. It may seem rough right now, but I truly feel this will be a better year for than last year was.

Take Care,

TD

PS: Things are going pretty good in my life. We have been doing a lot of renovation to the house, looking at invitro again after the first of the year and just renewed our vows in Vegas.