Hi nw626! Thanks for the support. You're very right in that I do know what I need to work on; of course, the hardest thing is always finding ways to do those things and actually figuring out how to demonstrate change. I feel like it is going to be a very long road, but I keep trying to tell myself that it's worth it in the end.
I spent 11 years in a relationship that I never really worked on, so it seems fitting that I'm the one having to struggle now. Ah, karma.....
I honestly don't know if the OW is in his life still. His siters seem to think that she's not really an issue. He's very close with them, and he's said it was only a friendship that could have been more. They are telling me that he's more confused about himself right now and feeling a bit scared. Their assessment pretty much matches what I'm seeing and hearing from him, and I honestly feel like it matches at least what I believe to know about him.
I've had an EA and a PA myself (he doesn't know about the PA, which was really a brief fling), and so I know that it's at least possible that he truly is just talking to this person. Many of my friends think I'm being naive - and perhaps I am just avoiding an uncomfortable truth - but in my heart I feel like I believe him.
I don't know much about what he's doing right now. He says he's living at his office (the Drug Unit has a trailer with couches, bathroom, etc) because he was miserable staying at his dad's house. Otherwise, I have no clue. I haven't asked since the night he told me, and in a way the OW and affair feel almost irrelevant - more symptoms of a greater problem.
I remember that when I've had my affairs or been restless that the issues I was going through tended to have less to do with him and more to do with my own confusion/insecurity/etc. I never stopped loving him during those times, so in a way I can believe that this isn't completely about me or his feelings for me.
We got together at a very young age, and neither of us had much experience dating (I had none, he had very, very little) or "being free" like other young people. In some ways, he may need to still work a little bit of that out. I know that I had to.
I wish I knew if I was being stupid in not focusing on the affair. I'd hate to be naive about the whole thing, and I know that until I figure out who he really is versus my assumptions about him that I'll never really make progress, but I feel that if i focus on the OW I'll start doing all the wrong things - comparing myself, feeling down on myself, feeling jealous and angry.
I don't know what to think. It's all very confusing. For what it's worth, I have a feelign that the woman he is talking to is the woman he had the EA with before we got married. About two months ago or so, we'd gotten into an argument about family - about how I never visit his family on the weekends. We hadn't spoken for a day, and though we'd made up the next day and he'd been very affectionate, I'd found on his computer where he'd done a myspace search for the girl he'd had the EA with before we got married. The search hadn't turned up any results. I'd confronted him about it, and he'd said that he'd just been curious. I'd let it go because I still was checking my old EA's website from time to time.
I know the OW from before was similar to him. She was Marine and had been in the police academy with him, but she'd dropped out of the academy when he'd told her to go back to her husband (they were separated). My H seemed to think she may have moved to Iowa, but perhaps she's still in the area. Unfortunately, I don't know. I don't have access to his phone records or work email, but I do have access to his personal email and haven't seen anything suspicious.
I know that people tend to admit to about one level less than what they've actually done in affairs, so it's possible that they did kiss, etc. I believe him when he says there were no sexual relations. I did notice he was kissing a bit better recently, so that's probably a sign.
Thanks so much for the advice. I'm going to keep on going. My hope is that if this does work out I can actually start treating him as another human being instead of an archetype or a pucnhing bag. I never really saw his as a normal man with normal male weaknesses, so perhaps that's part of the journey.
